I'm still in denial after all these years...

[LastRedAppleStanding]

I've been picked on really bad all my life. And now it's starting all over again because the school found out that i self harm. I mean, no-one really thinks about it. I'm still Erin to them, but my ex friends are the ones who are making my life hell. I'm suprised that i haven't actually resorted to SH again over it.

Thing is, i can't remember anything from my little school. I can obviously remember a couple things after hours of therapy but i can't even remember being bullied anymore, so if people ask me about it and they say 'Was it ever physical' i'll never be able to give them a proper answer BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW!
I've been living with this blockage for years now and it's soo frustrating. But because i'm so used to being treated like shit, i don't even class it as bullying. My friends are all like 'you should report that because it's bullying and it's wrong' but i just don't care anymore.

Being bullied ruined my life. It's the reason i am what i am today. A depressed self harmer who nearly died and got admitted in hospital.
It ruined my confidence and i used to be so disgusted with myself, last year i stopped eating and lost a little weight. I thought so little of myself and i was just made up of so much anger.

Sorry this is so long, i've never posted in the bullying threads before so this is new
I just wish i could remember, but i'm afraid of the truth.

[CanadaCraig]

Hi Erin!!

I am proud of you.

Whether you realize it or not - it took a great deal of courage to post your message. And what a wonderful message it is. Not only is it beautifully written but it is also open and honest. I LOVE THAT!

I appreciate how you feel. I was bullied too. And - like you - I survived [As in 'made it through all of that'] by blanking it out. It was the only way I could cope. The problem is - we can't pick and choose what it is we blank out. IF - for whatever reason - we need to blank out the memory of something [And all of the thoughts and feelings that go along with that memory] we also end up blanking out much of everything else. In other words - if we blank out the bad stuff - most [If not all] of the good stuff gets blanked out too. This is why people who blank things out to survive usually end up feeling numb about everything. And this is why they more often than not will fail to come to their defense if abused in one why or another. Quite a few times in my life - even as a adult - someone would say something really mean to me - and I just wouldn't hear it. A friend who I was with would have to tell me what was said. They would usually ask, "Hey Craig! Didn't you hear what that guy just said to you?!" And I'd have to say, "NO!" My ability to blank that sort of thing out was so fast acting that I shut it out AS it was happening!! I was so used to doing that - that it happened automatically.

That said....

I think it's very possible that the 'truth' you fear isn't about what someone else did TO you - but about what YOU did to YOU. If you think about it - WHO has been the biggest bully in your life? IF are you anything like me [And practically every other bully victim that I have met in my life] the biggest bully in YOUR life - is YOU. So it's quite possible that what you fear most is the realization that YOU owe YOU an apology. You haven't been a very good friend to yourself. But that was then - and this is now. The time has come for YOU to be nice to YOU! You are a lovable person - a person who is worthy of kindness, compassion and respect. And THAT is the truth!

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!

[♥ Choir. ♥]

Hey Erin,

I know where you're coming from with blocking out the bullying. I do that too. I've been bullied since I was really little, like four. It's just became such a part of my life that I hardly realize that it's happening at times. I can't really block out things that are more recent, but anything said or done to me in elementary school or sixth grade, it's a blur to me. I don't remember anything of it.

The bullies may have made you who you are today, but by no means do they have any control over who you should become in the future. YOU have control over how their words and actions affect you. It's hard, oh dear God do I know that it's hard. But it's something that has to be done.

PM or VM me if you need to talk,

Eclipse

[BullyPreventionScheme]

Hrmm... Its funny that, Bullies did ruin my life, but i'm glad they did, because while bullies had a negative affect on me. I repaired myself, grew stronger and more confident than ever before. Bullies made me who i am.... Its funny how i repayed them... by psychologically kicking their arses.

Anyway, To do the same as me, I experimented with them, tried different stratedgies in order to shut them up. but you have to keep pushing yourself OuT of your comfort zone in order to get stronger and more confident.

The two stratedgies which work best are:
Keeping a straight back, eye contact and a stern voice. and then laughing at their attempts to bully you.
And this: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f20-p...new-discovery/