Is this normal?

[NinjaChick]

Is it normal for someone to feel bullied and threatened by their own family? To not feel safe in their own home? I am having problems with this recently and don't know if it's normal or if I should tell someone that I feel threatened at home.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

It's not normal and not healthy. Others may disagree but at first, don't talk to others for help. Try to resolve it as best as you can and express your feelings. If there is physical abuse/sexual abuse or related issues, then that's a different ball-game and you do tell someone. Why do you not feel safe and feel threatened?

[NinjaChick]

I feel unsafe and threatened because every time that I say or do anything it is always go to your room or shut up I'm busy or your an idiot go do something else. I never get praise or support. My stepbrother always gets everything exactly his way. If I need food its figure it out yourself if he needs food then its oh let me help you. I'm always 2nd best and everyone in my family is mean to me.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

I have several questions for you and I don't want to seem interrogative but I ask such questions to get more information (providing you're willing to answer and share the details, you don't have to answer if you don't want to). It's hard to give meaningful advice without knowing more of the situation.

Is your step-brother younger than you are? Do you help your step-brother if he needs something or do you not help? It's one thing to not get praise, which is hard but not terrible overall; it's another thing if your family isn't willing to provide you with food. Do they buy food for you, cook it but not put it on your plate, do they buy it but not cook it or do they not buy food for you at all? When you're told to go to your room and other comments, do you stand up and refuse? If so, is there any physical abuse or yelling that ensues?

To me, if your family don't give you praise and treat you in such a way, part of it may be because they do it and you don't put up any resistance. Often though, all parties have some blame in various ways, so I wonder, did you do anything that pissed the parents off? Alternatively, did they treat you differently before you were introduced to your step-brother? I don't know any details of your family but perhaps your step-brother experienced quite rough, abusive/neglectful conditions so your parents provide as much attention and love to him, whereas they know you didn't suffer such conditions so they don't give you such attention. That isn't a right idea on their part because both kids should get equal attention and love.

Lastly, does your step-brother out-perform you academically and in other ways? Or, if you out-perform him, is it by an extreme degree?

[NinjaChick]

My stepbrother is 4 months older than me. I do help him if he needs help or asks for help provided that its something I can help with. They buy food and then refuse to give it to me until everything is done perfectly. Even then I have to make and serve it to myself even if I don't know how. I will usually go to my room, etc. but if I know it's for an unfair reason I will argue. Then all hell in a battle breaks loose. Usually parents will just randomly get mad or will have a bad day and come home and I'm the one who the anger is turned on. I haven't been hit since I was 8 though. I was treated much more fairly and better before I ever met my stepbrother. My stepbrother had a much better childhood than I did yet he gets treated better now. I don't understand why. I hope that these answeres will be helpful in you helping me (if that sentence made any sense.)

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Originally Posted by NinjaChick

My stepbrother is 4 months older than me. I do help him if he needs help or asks for help provided that its something I can help with. They buy food and then refuse to give it to me until everything is done perfectly. Even then I have to make and serve it to myself even if I don't know how. I will usually go to my room, etc. but if I know it's for an unfair reason I will argue. Then all hell in a battle breaks loose. Usually parents will just randomly get mad or will have a bad day and come home and I'm the one who the anger is turned on. I haven't been hit since I was 8 though. I was treated much more fairly and better before I ever met my stepbrother. My stepbrother had a much better childhood than I did yet he gets treated better now. I don't understand why. I hope that these answeres will be helpful in you helping me (if that sentence made any sense.)

Your step-brother probably is viewed as needing more affection than you because your parents may feel they are being compared to his parents. They may feel they've raised you to be independent enough to cook for yourself. I'm not sure why they project such anger toward you because it seems as though they're shunning you but they love you to still provide care. You mentioned providing help for your step-brother but have you also done chores and other things for your parents without them asking? For example, if they're out, have you cleaned up the place in a very noticable way?

When your parents come home and are angry for whatever reason, do you try to ask what's wrong, how their day went, and so forth? The fact they openly disclose it to you does indicate they may trust you more or even want you to engage with them but see that you're not (and may not understand why you're leaving to your room). Over time, they probably got frustrated because they cannot vent to someone they trust enough to be able to handle it.

Again, I don't think they hate you because they do provide care, don't abuse you and haven't booted you out. They probably don't vent to your step-brother, so they may vent to each other or avoid doing so to prevent strain.

I'm a bit confused on one last thing. If you don't know how to make the food, do they not see that? That also begs the question, do you eat the food they buy for you and is it of the same quality? Since you do at least try to cook, your parents may think you're able to so why not let you cook? Some parents are proud that their children early on can cook (well). I'm not suggesting you don't eat or purposely screw up the food so it's inedible because that leads nowhere beneficial.

What you can try, although it's a lot of pressure, is to learn to cook very well, possibly even making meals that are better than what your parents make for themselves and the step-brother. This is easier if their cooking is pretty poor and basic. What may happen then is, they see what you've made, like it but of course, only you eat it. They don't hate you so they won't stop buying food for you. Lowest thing they may do is buy lower quality food but again, if you can make something amazing, they see it, want it but only you eat it. You could even go as far as asking for specific ingredients.

As I said, that's difficult for anyone, especially someone who has little cooking skills. Reason I suggest it is around 10-12 years old, I began learning how to cook and helping in cooking from my grandmother, who refused to buy stuff pre-made, so everything was freshly made, except basic condiments and sauces. She even refused to use some pre-packaged spices so before 10 years old, I was helping her make spice combinations, put various spices outside covered to have them dry or just freshly use them. It was common for her to make noodles fresh, use tomatoes from the garden along with other garden-fresh herbs to make wonderful tomato sauces (sometimes still do that).

Years later, I began cooking by myself (years after she moved and died), to the point where I was 15-17 years old and baking cakes, making 4-course meals at home, then later got jobs at restaurants as a cook. It's very difficult to do and you can use pre-made things to have the cooking go easier. It can also take a while to cook things and attend to multiple things at once.

You could try to use this as a way for the whole family to come together and cook.

I think the overall issue isn't that your parents dislike you, rather, it's an issue of them not expressing appreciation, happiness and congrats to you.

[NinjaChick]

When I don't have alot of homework to do I will do chores. I always try to ask how days went and that is what starts the yelling and anger. I try to make the food and I eat it because I need the food but the only stuff I know how to make is because my biological dad taught me. He taught me how to make french fries mac and cheese pizza and spaghetti. However, I get in trouble if I make the same food every night. it's difficult to say if it's the same quality because I have to have all gluten free food. Which they constantly complain about having to spend so much money to buy. I also don't get care for injuries unless I complain about them for about 2 months then I get told fine apparently somethings wrong you won't stop complaining.