Triggering: What happens when you become like them..

[BrokenSmilesAwaitt]

Ok so this has been on my mind for about 5 months...I have been bullied for 7 years and through that 7 years I started to show resistance, I then began letting my fist do my problem solving. Everytime a new bully would try and start in on me or a previous bully would try and regain his control I would just start fighting...I get angry alot now when I think of the monster I have become and how I am acting like them all the people that made my life a living hell who beat me up threw gum in my hair who beat me with my scooter or tied me to a tree and chucked rocks at me calling me a satan child... but whats bugging me is now I dont fight at all but I still get angry and I have trouble holding on and not getting up to hit them I carry a knife on me at all times due too some incidents on the street and nothing is stopping me from walking up to them and stabbing them or walking into the guys washroom and ending all the hate..I just..I just dont know what to do anymore I feel like I became one of them...or something worse...
Please help me..

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

There are different types of bullies and they all have 1 thing in common: they seek to control someone for a while for gratification or other purposes. Furthermore, they repeatedly inflict some sort of damage to the person with the intent to hurt or humiliate. You're not that because you react either by fighting or by carrying around a knife, either of which are used in retaliation. I would instead label you as someone who is still scarred by the bullying.

The most important thing that you should first do is stop carrying around a knife. I understand you're fearful because of what's happened to you but you can defend yourself by using items that are legal, concealable and do inflict damage. If you're very fearful, take some street self-defense lessons or study any martial art. If you then pull a knife on someone who is untrained, they're going to fear for their life so they'll do anything. If you pull a knife on someone who is well trained, they may stay calmer and it'll be brutal and possibly humiliating for you (I'm assuming you have no idea how to properly fight with a knife, it's not just stab or slash).
I study 3 martial arts (judo and 2 styles of karate) as well as teach street self-defense from time-to-time, both the basics as well as disarming people, using their weapon against them, knife-fighting, multiple attackers, using certain legal everyday items to inflict a great deal of damage, etc... . For example, you can break someone's collarbone (or hand, rib, facial bones, give a concussion, or any other small bone) using a single sheet of paper, ideally one from a magazine. One of the students actually carries this sheet made in that particular way around with them because they got bullied at school, so they used it and knocked the guy out.

Anger isn't necessarily bad, it can be quite good and useful. What I use when I'm pissed off is a punching bag. I imagine the person(s) and hit and kick as hard as I can until I'm relaxed for the time being. In your case, you can try using a punching bag, study a martial art or whatever else, with the goal of getting control over your anger. Everyone gets pissed off from time to time, so you don't need to eliminate your anger, just lower it and control it.

That sort of anger can be harmful for you in a fight. If you're fighting someone who is in such a blind rage of anger, best thing to do is avoid them by thinking strategy and having them run into something, trip them, give a quick strike when their guard is down, etc... . I've been in several fights with people who were so angry and I took almost no damage by simply dodging them, which made them angrier and angrier, making it easier to strike/throw or put them into standing joint-locks. You'll find that anger doesn't really help you in fights, it just makes it into a bar brawl.

Learning a martial art isn't quick and easy but one of the key effects is it reduces your temper and you gain better control of your anger.

[BrokenSmilesAwaitt]

I was only trained to fight with a sword...I am not allowed to carry one around school

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Originally Posted by BrokenSmilesAwaitt

I was only trained to fight with a sword...I am not allowed to carry one around school

That still is no justification to carry around a knife at school. As I said, you can carry around other legal items that serve as effective weapons but if you feel unable to defend yourself without a sword, then perhaps self-defense classes would be helpful. In addition, try to avoid a fight, although it's not always possible especially in the streets but on school grounds it is easier to avoid. Point is, you're not a bully, you're a person who fears for their safety and wants some revenge. Both are normal.

[BrokenSmilesAwaitt]

I never used it for "justification", I carry that knife so I wont let my friends and loved ones around me die because of me I carry it around because frankly I am sick and tired of getting stabbed, I have been avoiding fights for some time now.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Originally Posted by BrokenSmilesAwaitt

I carry that knife so I wont let my friends and loved ones around me die because of me

I don't understand this. Fearing for their safety is one thing but if you're at school and a loved one at home is assaulted, it does you no good having that knife with you. If someone attacks your friend and you come to the rescue in time, you admitted you trained by using a sword but to me, you wouldn't handle the two the same.

Originally Posted by BrokenSmilesAwaitt

I carry it around because frankly I am sick and tired of getting stabbed, I have been avoiding fights for some time now.

This seems to be a more honest and understandable answer, you don't want to be harmed. Why not get something, such as pepper spray, stun-gun, etc...? You can defend yourself using those but if the person still attacks, then you have your knife with you for a last-resort.

If I were shopping in a store and I saw a knife somewhat concealed on you, I'd be weary of coming close to you and would think you're perhaps planning to rob the store, attack someone, etc... . At the time, I wouldn't think you have the knife on you for self-defense purposes, however, if the knife is kept where it is, it's not a threat to me. Chances are you do have it well concealed.

[Cosmo]

If your knife is found, you'll be locked up.
Can you protect yourself or your loved ones from prison?

Think on that.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

joshie, i understand how it feels but is being locked up worth the satisfaction of showing those people how much it hurts to be, well, hurt. this issue is something you need to talk to an authority figure about. you're not becoming like them, you're becoming better than them in my opinion. you're defending yourself, but carrying a knife to school is not the best way of doing this.