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Anxiety This forum is for seeking advice on anxiety and stress related issues.

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PorcelainDollAmethystEyes .
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Fear, and PTSD. - March 31st 2015, 11:39 PM

I not sure if I should post this or not.

But over the months I've been here...I've come to notice that certain pre-existing fears has gotten a lot worse. Its making it very difficult to function a good chunk of the time.

Ever since I was a child, I've had an extreme fear of the dark. My Mother is completely fine with it, but I am the opposite. I cant stand dark rooms or the night itself unless the full moon is out. When I go to bed, its still bad even though I know I'm in a house with those who I am always safe with.

Second, ever since middle school its difficult to want to be around an overwhelming amount of people. It was worse in high school. A certain few friends would have to help me through potential panic attacks or take me elsewhere to calm down. The library always worked. I hated the massive high ceilinged highways or the cafeteria. I very well nearly lost my mind at a pep rally my brother and foster sister abandoned me to, and a different friend and her boyfriend helped me through it that day. I just should have left.

I didn't like leaving the house, going to public places because I felt so uncomfortable, usually scared and I'd start to tense up and feel the need to fight or flee. Being with my family kept me out of trouble...its become so bad that its difficult to walk out the front door without having the intense need to hide out somewhere familiar.

Thirdly, people. Just people. More often than not bigger, older men. I am a rather short person standing around five one, I think. I first started to realize it back in high school. I was with my foster sister, she went to talk with a teacher as I went to speak with another about school related business. Halfway into our talk I came to a start and realized he had a similar stature as my step father. He is one of the kindest people I know, I knew that. But I quickly ended the conversation and half fled from the room and tracked down by sister. I was practically in tears when I found her, feeling so guilty at my reaction and yet I couldn't help it. I was so SCARED because all I could see was the monster who made my life hell for decades. We hid out in a classroom with a female teacher until I calmed down and regained my strength.

Presently, not too long ago two delivery men came to deliver a brand new washer and dryer with only me and Mom here. I stayed clear of them. I was so uncomfortable, that all I wanted to do was hide out until they were gone. I feel so guilty and upset that I react like this. Its so fustrating!


I am sorry...but I don't really know what to do at this point. None of us have the money to spare for counselling. But I need to become stronger...I'm so tired of being afraid when I know I'm in a safe house, filled with wonderful complicated family.

I don't know what to do.
   
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Re: Fear, and PTSD. - April 1st 2015, 08:04 AM

When I originally read this, I was actually relieved because it looked like you have found some of the remedies yourself. This is how most things get somewhat better when you talk about them and this is also how the concept of counselling actually works as well. I mean think about it. When you talked about your fear of being around large amounts of people, you mentioned how it got better when you had friends around you to rush in and help you out, and how the library was a sanctuary for you.

When you were talking about your interaction with your teacher and how his stature made you feel, you were talking about the problem and that enticed you to think about the solution. You mentioned how everything calmed down when you reunited with your sister and had the perceived protection of both her and a female teacher.

You were answering your own questions, because you had the courage to ask them and that's absolutely phenomenal to see, mainly because it makes my job a helluva lot easier .

I do want to add a couple of things though. As for the teacher and the problems you have with the memory triggered by your interactions with him, you need to consider talking to your unit coordinator or year advisor about changing teachers. That connection with your stepfather is going to directly impact on your education and you cannot give the abuse you copped, that much power in your life.

Most of the time, they will not ask questions, but if they do, then just tell them it's a confidential matter. If they insist on a reason, duel them to the death . Yeah, I don't think they have a right to demand a reason if they know it's confidential, and they won't.

Secondly, continue using your friends for support. I mean it seems like your friends are your personal superheroes, racing in to help out when you think you're in trouble, and that is a huge asset. I mean I once had my snare stolen in the park and in the fucking pouring rain, I had to go back to the city and raise the alarm. I arrived at a café and burst into tears. The guys took me in, gave me some free food, which if you know me, you would know that would turn tears of frustration into tears of joy LOL, and they called police. I then called my very good friend Rachel, and she rushed over in her tiny hatchback LOL, to give me some support and a lift home.

That was a serious emergency at the time, life sucked for that moment, but obviously the generosity of the café staff, but also the support of my friend, helped DRAMATICALLY. It would have been something different without her being there. Continue talking to and confiding in your friends, because they are going to help you out so much when it comes down to the crunch.

Thirdly, make sure you understand that the connection you make between people of size and your stepfather is extremely natural. The connection has been played on in movies for years, when the main character or the person feels weak, they make everything else look bigger with a low camera angle, where the camera is looking up.

...

Now earlier I made an assumption that the reason why you have a consternation towards your stepfather is because of some form of abuse and without detail (which to make it clear, you are certainly not obliged to give), I am going to have to make that assumption again. Apologies.

...

Anyways, when someone is abused or they are put down, that's what you notice about the perpetrator. They look huge, and they feel huge, in that you feel weak. Why wouldn't you have that connection? You just feel vulnerable. It's just that sometimes people question whether these feelings are rational.

In reality they are.

And finally, when you said that you weren't sure you whether you should have written this or not, I am glad you did. I hope you continue to do so in the future as well, because that's exactly what we're here for. We're responding to people who have directly come to us for help. It's a job we take very seriously and one we take great pleasure, pride and words in doing LOL.

You're awesome .

H.

P.S. If you curious, the fear of the dark is know as Nyctophobia, the fear of crowds of people is known as Agoraphobia and the fear of helping people known as VoicelessAmethyst with whatever problems she has, and making her laugh, that's called non-existant .


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Last edited by RadioSerenade; April 1st 2015 at 08:56 PM.
   
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PorcelainDollAmethystEyes .
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Re: Fear, and PTSD. - April 2nd 2015, 01:40 AM

Thank you for the answer...Actually, the stuff at school happened years ago before I had to leave for medical reasons. Then several months ago, I moved to a different state entirely.

I've posted about this before...the symptoms have gotten a lot worse, so my family is working with me. Trying to get used to being here, and help getting the living situation stable is not easy. There is a lot of chaos especially with the shortage of money and that our home needs constant repairs. Yet we're safe, and trying to get used with the new familial situation.

Again, thank you with the reply. And sorry if I confused anyone!
   
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Re: Fear, and PTSD. - April 2nd 2015, 01:57 AM

One of my friends once said that every single one of us are control freaks LOL, and we need to be. Control is what makes life bearable at times, and I hope you can get some control over your conditions, your living conditions and your health some time soon. .


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