TeenHelp - Is it Anxiety ?

Hello,

My name is Matthew.

I needed a place to share what's going on inside of me, I started working at a company where my father works and after two weeks I started to get really nervous and then one day I felt really dizzy and weak, I started to panic my legs where turning into pasta so I told my supervisors that I do not know what is happening but I am not feeling to well and went back home.

After this incident I went to my doctor had a bunch of blood tests done and all shown that I'm perfectly healthy even better than average results. Prior to this when I was 11 I moved to United Kingdom and was bullied for couple of years so I started to marijuana up until I was 16 because I started to get really paranoid and one day I was sitting on my PC and got full blown panic attack my mind turned into dread I felt like I was dying inside and the world had no meaning for me any more and was filled with fear for death of myself and those close to me the upcoming day I felt odd at least that's what I thought at that time then I found the more sophisticated and professional name for it, I was depersonalised and de realized and with time it got better or so I thought after the experience at my first job in my life when I got scared so badly I never wanted to take another job, since I was afraid of the same experience I had at my fathers company.

I went along with my life sitting in front of my computer like I always did isolating myself from everything from people never going out because I do not have many friends and never did here in UK, majority of time spending playing video games with lack of exercise and bad diet along with smoking cigarettes like a train (I've quit now :) ) I'm still derealized/depersonalised all the time but not as much any more like I used to be but it's taking a toll on my life, it just seems so fake but it was worse when I looked at my beloved mothers face I felt like I do not know her it terrified me that I do not recognize with my feelings the most precious person in my life so I decided to try to tackle the problem I started to meditate and eat healthier and it has gotten better, my doctor has put me on citalopram which I took for 2 days and then I decided not to use any medication since it made me feel awful, it has struck me that a general medicine doctor can prescribe such medications as antidepressants in UK without any diagnosis from psychologist or psychiatrist which I tried to get in touch with and was told that the phone operator has talked with the psychologist reviewing my case said that "It's probably due to the marijuana" and that there is no strong case to proceed with a psychotherapy along with a laugh from the operator telling me that I'm young so I'm probably making it up on how I'm feeling just to get rid of me.

I'm lost right now sitting between four walls in front of my PC everyday with nothing to do, I always thought that I hate UK but now as I think about it is it that I do not like it here or would I feel the same else where, I seem to think a lot getting myself depressed, thinking about past experiences and strip them and analyse them trying to make myself feel happy and doesn't matter how hard I try I am not, I'm afraid of tomorrow, I'm afraid of what I'm going to do when I finish college and I'll have to go to work again while studying at University.