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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy hitting a low point... - November 21st 2016, 08:00 PM

I don't want to go into great detail about this, because there's just so much to say and it would take too long to write it all out. Basically, my first problem is that I'm just not motivated to do any schoolwork but I still feel super stressed about it and always procrastinate; my second problem is that I'm having a huge mixup with my school's administration and I feel like I'm not being treated fairly; and the third problem is that I often feel homesick, because I study in a city away from home and I basically live alone and only get to go home to my family on the weekends.

All of this translates into me feeling tense all the time; I'm either actively stressing and thinking about schoolwork or trying to do activities to block these thoughts (but I still feel this underlying tension in me which stops me from relaxing and enjoying myself). I have also been crying a lot lately, roughly once every day, and when I say "cry" I mean hour-long cries which leave me with a headache afterwards and leave my eyes feeling dry and teary the next morning. Also yesterday for the first time I attempted to self-harm by trying to make myself throw up (I'm not sure if this is really considered self-harm but I basically mean destructive behaviour), just because I wanted to feel that feeling of being light and cleansed after being sick, because I felt so awful. (Luckily I didn't manage to actually make myself throw up, but I just don't want to head down that road.)

Literally the only moment I feel truly happy and free of any stress is when I'm horseriding. Even if I'm with friends, or family, or having a bath, or playing guitar, or just grocery shopping I always have this underlying feeling of tension and anxiety and worry. Like I can't tell someone I'm happy and really mean it, because most of the time I'm not happy.

I will literally daydream about riding a horse and I'll get home and watch videos about horseriding for an hour after school because it's the only thing which brings me true happiness, but it isn't accessible and I only get to do it an hour on the weekend.

I don't know what the point of this is, I just need to get it off my chest and share this.


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Re: hitting a low point... - November 23rd 2016, 12:31 PM

I think procrastination and feeling stressed go hand in hand. If you procrastinate, you may find yourself feeling stressed that you have less time to do school work, which doesn't help when you already don't feel motivated. Is it possible to do a small amount of school work each night? It may help you to avoid procrastination, and if it's a manageable amount, you may not have to worry about motivation so much either. As for the mix up with school administration, that can be frustrating. However, they should be listening to you. Do you think it might help to take a friend with you when you talk to administration? I'm sorry to hear that you get homesick and don't get to see family that often.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. It sounds blunt, but to avoid stressing about schoolwork or doing activities to block out thoughts, it can be good to take your time with school work and reward yourself with activities. That way you may be able to enjoy them more knowing that you have done some school work.

Crying is a natural response, and it's good to cry, although do try to keep yourself hydrated as well. It seems like you are upset and crying a lot, and on the verge of wanting to harm yourself. Is it possible to talk to your school counsellor about this? You don't have to suffer in silence and they are there to help you.

Horse riding definitely sounds therapeutic to you! It sounds like you have built up a lot of emotions that are difficult to ignore when trying to relax. I think it might help to write these emotions down or talk to someone you trust about them. Bottling them up, will naturally make it harder to relax and doesn't help you in any way.

Is it possible to get your family more involved in your life since you are away for school? Perhaps they can check up on you mid-week, or send you reminders that even though there is distance, they are still there for you. I'm also wondering how you are living alone? Is this something the school or your family might be able to help with?

I hope that it helped being able to share your feelings


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