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lonely.boy Offline
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College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 11th 2009, 10:50 PM

Hello.
So, I finished high school recently and after that comes the possibility of college. I talked about this here before because i had no clue on what to choose and i didn't really wanted to go, i don't feel ready and im bit of "mess" ( depression, not very high self-esteem because of my looks and social skills) and i thought of working this year and try to change myself and then maybe go to college, but my dad didn't like that idea(and although im already an adult and im over 18 they still want to have a say on this and i hate pressure because it always affect me)
So, by pressure of my dad and also some friends, i applied to college, but always thinking that probably i wouldn't get in, but guess what? I did. I should be happy like other people are, but im not. I don't feel ready, im scared, i don't feel good about myself and going to that environment, i feel that i won't be able to end college. I always thought of opening my own business( although im still not sure what that would be), and i know that the college degree is always helpfull to find a job but i don't feel good about his and i always thought until the last minute that i wouldn't get in and then this problem was solved, but i did get in and i feel worse.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 13th 2009, 08:56 PM

Hi,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. It's no wonder to me that you feel sad you got in, because it sounds like it wasn't really your choice but something you were pressured into. Even with things we want to do, if we feel like there's pressure to do them we can easily become resentful or stop enjoying that thing so much - when we aren't even sure we want to do them in the first place, that pressure can almost make that decision for us that we really don't want to do it.

College isn't for everyone, and there are other ways to live your life if that's want you want. Because that's what this is - your life. Would you feel able to talk to your dad and explain that you aren't sure about college, and that you want to try some other things first? For example, you could suggest a gap year, or get a job. Explain to him that you understand why he wants you to go to college but that it has to be your choice for you to get the most out of it. If you aren't happy to be there, motivating yourself to work might be difficult and that may make it harder for you to do well. Perhaps if it were completely your choice, you might want to go next year - or you might not. It's up to you. If you can explain to your dad what you want to do in the next couple of years, particularly if college is something you'd reconsider later but on your own terms, he may be more likely to listen.

On the other hand, college may help you do to some of the things you want to do. What are you studying? Could you study something that might help you to further that dream of opening your own business? It might also help you to build your self-esteem if you're doing okay with the work and working towards your dream. That said, you could find those benefits elsewhere and if you don't want to be in college, that may suit you better. You could do voluntary work to help you gain skills and to help you feel like you're doing something worthwhile, or a job to feel you're contributing and starting to be more independent.

It's your life. You have the right to do what feels right for you - and that doesn't have to be college. We all know the advantages of going to college, but that doesn't mean that there aren't other options or good reasons for choosing them. Perhaps as a compromise with your dad, you could suggest giving college a try, for say 6 months or a year, and see how you feel after that. If it doesn't feel right for you, you'll be able to move onto something else knowing that you've learned more about yourself and made another step towards finding what you want to do with your life and what's right for you.

Good luck and take care.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 14th 2009, 12:14 PM

Thank you for the reply, it was comforting to read because this is making me nervous everyday and all day, sometimes i even get irritated talking about going to college.

I know that college could help me get a better job, at least i would have a bit more security when searching for jobs, and I did thought of giving it at least a try, but sometimes i don't even know if i can do that, the thought of going to college is a bit scary for me, don't know why, but makes me nervous and sad. But i will have to give it a try ( want it or not...).

Talking to my parents about this and explaining is not easy, because they always talked about me going to college and they say if i will not go this year, i will be one year doing nothing and what would i do in that year and also that if i don't go now, i will not want to go in the future ( which i don't agree), so in a brief way, they don't understand me and my point of view.

In the next days will have to go to college to finished the paper work to start the classes on the other weak, but even thinking of going there is terrifying for me.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 14th 2009, 04:43 PM

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so scared and sad about going. I think giving it a try is very brave of you, and I hope that it will work out better than you're expecting. Try to take it a day or even a class at a time, and at the end of each day/class, remind yourself that you've gotten through it. You say you don't feel ready, and I think that's an understandable feeling that many people have before starting college, but you may find that you are more ready than you realise as you get through the first days and weeks. Reward yourself for your effort and for facing your fears and going anyway, no matter the reason for going. Hopefully that way you can get the most out of going, and it will get better in time as you settle in and hopefully some of those fears will fade.

If thinking of going there is terrifying, do you think you could visit maybe a day or two early (if you have time), take a friend or someone you trust, and just spend some time on the campus/in the area? That might help to reassure you and make going easier when you have to finish the paperwork etc.

It is so hard to talk to parents when they have expectations or plans for our lives that we don't share, but I hope that you are able to, at least a little. Perhaps you could just let them know that you are still not sure and that it is scary for you, that you will give it a try but that if it doesn't work out you would appreciate their support with some of the other things you want to do with your life? Hopefully that way they will still feel that you are listening to them and understanding their advice, but will also feel a bit more able to see things from your point of view as well.

I hope that some of those nerves will fade once you've started but I know that right now that doesn't help much! Do you have anything in particular that scares you about going, or do you notice some aspects of going that scare you more than others? Maybe you can directly challenge those by making plans for what you would do if they happened, how you would handle that and move on from it? It's worth balancing this by thinking about the best case scenario, too - things you'd like to happen, and also how you'd feel if those things that worry you didn't happen.

Are there things that you use to comfort yourself - reading, for example, or music, gaming, arts, anything that can take your mind off things for a bit and that you can focus on to help keep yourself calm? If so, try to make sure you have time to do those things over the next few days, through starting and until you're feeling a bit better.

I think you're being very brave and strong and I wish you the best of luck. Take care.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 15th 2009, 06:56 PM

Thank you so much for the reply's, you have been very helpful.
I have been very nervous for some months, because of college, my future, myself, and some other things in my life that start to "hunt" my thoughts and the mix of all this is making me more depressed and i was so nervous yesterday that i had a big headache and trouble breathing. But today im a bit better, i hope it continues this way, better.
What is scary for me is the change. Change of environment, of school, of classes and more difficult classes, new people that i don't know. Also thinking that i don't know if will be able to finish it and if would actually like it, because my area was a chosen under pressure because i didn't know what to choose in college.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 15th 2009, 10:08 PM

I'm sorry that you were so nervous yesterday but glad you are feeling a bit better today, I hope it continues this way. If you do have trouble breathing again, remind yourself that it's just because you're nervous and try to breathe more calmly and remember that it will pass.

I think change is scary for many of us, because it's this element of the unknown, and that is scary because we can plan for what we know and we can also find comfort in it because it's familiar to us - with change, we lose those things. Try to remember that probably a lot of the people who are going to your college and who will be in your classes are also feeling nervous and scared, because it's change for them as well. It might be worth thinking back on other changes in your life, particularly changes of school. How do you feel you coped with them? What did you do that helped you to cope, and what would you like to do differently this time around? That might help to reassure you that you can cope with change, because you have done it before.

I think what I suggested before about considering best and worst case scenarios could really help because it gives you a framework with which to reassure yourself. For example, you're worried that you won't be able to finish it. On the one hand, you might well finish it - and as you were accepted, it seems to me that the college think you are capable of finishing. On the other hand, what if you don't? Well, you'll know that particular course wasn't for you. You'll have one more set of experiences to use to remind yourself that you can cope with change. And maybe you'll have a better idea what you do want to do instead, perhaps what sort of business you'd like to open, or a better idea of your skills and what you're good at. And you'll also have the opportunity to go after a job and do the other things you want to do. You'll also know that you had the courage to face something you found difficult and give it your best - and not everyone can honestly say that.

If you can go something like this, hopefully those things that you're afraid of will seem less scary because you'll have a better idea how to handle them on the chance that they do happen.

It's worth remembering that very few of our choices and decisions have to be permanent. If you don't like the course, you may be able to switch, or defer for a year and come back to do something else later. Very few decisions are fixed in stone, because we can change our minds and make new, different decisions later, as they feel appropriate to us.

You are very welcome for the replies, I am glad that I can help at least a little
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 23rd 2009, 11:43 PM

Hello.
Once again, thank you for the support,it have been really helpful.
I haven't said anything in a while because i was waiting to start college, see first how it was before talk about it more.
It's my first week there, it hasn't been going bad, but not very good, just normal. But there is still something that doesn't make me feel secure about this decision, I don't know how to explain it, i feel like college isn't really for me, and that i won't like my classes and i wont be able to finish it ( i know it's too soon to be saying this, but i don't know why, i feel this way), which is not very good because although i wasn't sure about college and didn't want to go because i wasn't sure on what to choose and what to do and wanted to work, i know that a college degree will be helpful in the future and that's what im trying to think and concentrate, but it still is making me feel down...But i won't give up now, i will try and give it more time, see how it goes.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - September 26th 2009, 03:58 PM

I think giving it your best try and giving it a little longer sounds like a very sensible plan - and I think waiting to say more until you'd started was a good plan too. Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to reply, I haven't been online much.

I'm glad that college has been going ok, not bad at least, even if it has not been good either. Feeling that it is not for you is an okay way to feel, and it's good that you can acknowledge that and still give it your best shot - that shows a persistence and determination that will stand you in good stead whatever you end up doing. Once you're a bit more settled, if you still feel you won't be able to finish, that may be something you could talk to your tutor about, as they may be able to help reassure you and help you to make sure you're doing the best you can. If you aren't enjoying your classes, you may be able to switch. But obviously, these are just options and you don't have to stay if you continue to feel it's not for you - sometimes it's right to walk away, but it's also right to do what you're doing now, which is giving yourself the opportunity to have the most information you can, so that if you do decide to walk away, you'll know it's the best choice for you - and the same if you decide to stay.

It sounds like you are doing the right things to make the best decision for you, and I'm glad to hear that you are doing your best. It might be worth setting a time-point at which you'll come back to this decision, so that you know how long you're willing to spend trying it out; that way if you are unhappy, it will help you to stick with it because you'll know how long you've got left, and you'll also be able to say you've given it a good try so other people may be more likely to accept your decision, but you also know that you are giving yourself the best chance to settle in and start to enjoy it and feel more comfortable. I'd suggest letting your tutor know if you're still feeling this way in a week or two, and maybe setting a month-6 weeks as a goal, and saying you won't make any final decisions before then, but you can decide the best timescale for you.

I'm proud that you are giving this a good chance and really considering what you're doing - that suggests a very mature attitude
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 6th 2009, 11:14 AM

Thank you so much for the help
Im really decided to give college at least a try and im trying to get interested and find something that i like in my classes. Let's see how it goes...
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 6th 2009, 08:17 PM

You're welcome. That sounds like a positive and mature decisions, I wish you all the best and hope you can find some things to enjoy in your classes.

Take care.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 8th 2009, 09:05 AM

Keep sticking to it! My first month or so of college was terrible. My ex-girlfriend and I had just broken up, and I've always been a "home-body," so moving to college was a double whammy for me. I'll admit, there were a few nights I cried because I was having a tough time. After the first month or so, though, college was great and I loved it. I just finished my undergrad work in August and am in my first semester of graduate school now, so it hasn't been that bad for me!
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 18th 2009, 09:39 PM

Thanks.
I've been sticking to it, trying to keep positive about it and it actually has been better, I've meet more people and talked more. The problem is the major im taking, im not sure if it really is something i would like to do in my future, but im still giving it more time, at least im finding some of the classes interesting.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 18th 2009, 11:33 PM

You talked to more people? Aww, that's good.

I'd feel really accomplished if I were you.

From what I've heard, college is like heaven to those who aren't very social. Really! That's because you find people you can actually relate to, instead of those petty kids in highschool! I read all your posts, and judging from how positive you're being, I'd say your life is gradually gonna get better. I'm jealous. I wanna move out so badly...
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 19th 2009, 01:56 AM

Thank you It's always good to hear motivational words.
I always try to be as positive as i can about things, it doesn't stop the fears but it helps to get by them, as well as the problems. I hope,actually, i know you can do the same too Just take the best and positive part of the situations.
In the social part of college, i was afraid because in my college i only have one friend from before, and we don't have the same classes or schedules, so we never see each other. Luckily i found some cool people in my classes and it's easier to go throw something when you have someone that is going throw the same.
The part of college that made me, and still makes me, more nervous and got me sad when i got in, is that im not sure if what im majoring in is what i want to do in my life,because i went without being certain of what i wanted to do. I know that i can change my major, but it's money, time and work that is lost But like i said, i still want to give it more time, i liked some classes, maybe i will like more other classes.
   
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Re: College -I got in, but i feel sad about it - October 20th 2009, 08:55 PM

Oh, that's fine. My sister told me there's a lot of 'pointless' classes in college that will get in your way at first, but you still have to take them anyway. And then it's the next year and the year after that you take the classes that you want to take. What exactly does your college specialize in?

I also recommend doing Study Abroad. That's when you leave your home college for about five months(January-May) and attend a college in another country, like Australia for instance. That will help you with what you wanna do.

Also- I only had one friend I knew who was going to high school with me, and she contributed to the biggest screw-up of my life by talking to me about my back to the new friends she made. You don't need old friends to go anywhere in life; I pretty much got rid of all my old ones anyway. Not saying you should get rid of your current friend, though.
   
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