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Keep getting A- in essays. Can anyone give me some feedback? - February 7th 2010, 10:59 PM

Hey,

So I keep getting an A- in all my essays that I do for college. I was wondering if someone wouldn't mind looking at one for me and telling me where they think I'm going wrong, what I need to make it an A/A* etc. I asked my teacher and she said "I'm not entirely sure what" basically.

This is my most recent one, its just over 300 words. Got an A- and feedback was that she liked how concise it was and that she did not like "The nature of love is echoed" bit (can see it was a bit weird, didn't read it through properly, I meant to say something like the simplistic, raw, nature of love as structure is simple etc). Any feedback would be great. No idea where I'm going wrong

Oh and before you say it's too short, we were given a very short amount of time to do it in, so it's not too short.


Presentation of love in Sonnet 18

William Shakespeare’s eighteenth sonnet immortalises the subject of his poem and therefore their love. The sonnet’s structure, language and rhyme scheme work to emphasise Shakespeare’s hyperbolic description of their love

The nature of love is echoed in the basic fourteen line structure and alternative rhyme scheme of the sonnet, whilst the iambic pentameter represents the rhythm of a heart beat.

The personification of “Summer” and use of nature imagery is introduced in Shakespeare’s opening rhetorical question. Writing in first person and the direct address of the subject – “thee” and “thou” – creates a more intimate tone.

Throughout the octave, conventional imagery is employed, “Summer” and “heaven”, with the poet identifying the flaws of these comparisons – “Summer’s leave hath all too short a date”, and sometimes the “eye of heaven” shines “too hot”, emphasised by alliteration. The repetition of the pre-modifier “more” highlights the hyperbole the poet uses to describe how these powerful romantic associations do not fully represent the strength of his feelings of the subject of the poem, whom interestingly is identified as neither female or male. The transience of nature is suggested throughout the octave, initially “darling buds of May” suggest youthfulness, moving towards “decline”. This is emphasised through the use of alliteration – “fair from fair”.

The central message of the poem compares the transience of nature to the “eternal” love depicted in the sestest, highlighted by the use of alliteration – “thy eternal Summer shall not fade” and sibilance in “possession”. Death is personified as the poet describes how Death shall not “brag thou wanderest in his shade” – the subject of the poem will not die, and therefore their love will live forever as a poem illustrating the strength of their love has been written. The concluding rhyming couplet emphasise this message, with the syntactic parallelism of “So long” stressing the length of time that the subject of the poem, and therefore their love, will live for.
   
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Re: Keep getting A- in essays. Can anyone give me some feedback? - February 8th 2010, 04:15 PM

The essay reads really well, and at the end of the day and A- is still an A remember :]

The only things I could really pick out are that you were making points and giving evidence (quotes) for those points, but not explaining why Shakespeare did what he did. For example;

Quote:
The personification of “Summer” and use of nature imagery is introduced in Shakespeare’s opening rhetorical question. Writing in first person and the direct address of the subject – “thee” and “thou” – creates a more intimate tone
You have made the point here ''Personification'' and evidenced it ''Summer''. You have also started to go into a bit of detail - but maybe you could try saying what effect these language devices have on the reader?

Always remember to PEE - Point Evidence Explain.

Also, feel free to give your opinion in an essay, say what you feel works in the sonnet (ie. the use of alliteration) but also say what doesn't work (ie. Was there a volta at the end that could have added to the effect?).

These are just a few things I thought of, if your teacher isn't much help - make sure you get the mark scheme for this type of work, and see what the different grades break down into.

Claire


I'm still alive.
Must have been a miracle
It's been one hell of a ride
Destination still unkown
It's a fact of life: If you make one wrong move with a gun to your head
You better walk the line or you'll be left for dead.


I'm a runaway train on a broken track
I'm the ticker on the bomb that you can't turn back
Thats right.
I got away with it all and I'm still alive.
Let the end of the world come tumbling down.
I'll be the last man standing on the ground
As long as hot blood runs through my veins
I'm still alive.
   
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Re: Keep getting A- in essays. Can anyone give me some feedback? - February 11th 2010, 08:33 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by her_beautiful_mistake View Post
William Shakespeare’s eighteenth sonnet immortalises the subject of his poem and therefore their love. The sonnet’s structure, language and rhyme scheme work to emphasise Shakespeare’s hyperbolic description of their love

The nature of love is echoed in the basic fourteen line structure and alternative rhyme scheme of the sonnet, whilst the iambic pentameter represents the rhythm of a heart beat.

The personification of “Summer” and use of nature imagery is introduced in Shakespeare’s opening rhetorical question. Writing in first person and the direct address of the subject – “thee” and “thou” – creates a more intimate tone.

Throughout the octave, conventional imagery is employed, “Summer” and “heaven”, with the poet identifying the flaws of these comparisons – “Summer’s leave hath all too short a date”, and sometimes the “eye of heaven” shines “too hot”, emphasised by alliteration. The repetition of the pre-modifier “more” highlights the hyperbole the poet uses to describe how these powerful romantic associations do not fully represent the strength of his feelings of the subject of the poem, whom interestingly is identified as neither female or male. The transience of nature is suggested throughout the octave, initially “darling buds of May” suggest youthfulness, moving towards “decline”. This is emphasised through the use of alliteration – “fair from fair”.

The central message of the poem compares the transience of nature to the “eternal” love depicted in the sestest, highlighted by the use of alliteration – “thy eternal Summer shall not fade” and sibilance in “possession”. Death is personified as the poet describes how Death shall not “brag thou wanderest in his shade” – the subject of the poem will not die, and therefore their love will live forever as a poem illustrating the strength of their love has been written. The concluding rhyming couplet emphasise this message, with the syntactic parallelism of “So long” stressing the length of time that the subject of the poem, and therefore their love, will live for.
It's written very well but I think the issue is second and third paragraphs. They're pretty much tossed in there and there's no flow between either of them as though it's tracking your thought process in that you were thinking various things and the second paragraph was just blotted down. It's informative but it has no place, it makes the essay very confusing to follow and having one sentence as sometimes being a paragraph in the way you used it makes it confusing. The transition from the third paragraph to the rest is decent so there's not as big of a jump. It seems as though the transition is equivalent to saying "also..." because you give one explanation, suddenly end it then pick it back up with alternate views.

Your last two paragraphs are very good, they have nice quotes, explanations and integrations from one to another.
   
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Re: Keep getting A- in essays. Can anyone give me some feedback? - February 11th 2010, 07:19 PM

Thank you for the feedback, great advice, I get what you're both saying and can see where I've gone wrong now. I'll try and bare what you've both said in mind when I write my next essay
   
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