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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Violet. Offline
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Unhappy Don't know who am I really - July 14th 2013, 11:34 PM

I'm not sure who am I really.

When out with one friend, I'm this calm, collected, cool girl. You know, just sit there, chit chat, laugh a bit... But it's all cool.

With another friend, I'm crazy... Laugh, jump around, run through the streets, bounce off the walls.. Anything. Acting like a crazy child, immature, careless.

With yet another friend, I'm a bad girl. Cigarettes, alcohol, sex talks, etc. Simply, behaving like we're much older.. And stuff.

And so on.

Yes, I adjust to the person I'm with. However, none of that is predending. None of that is fake. All those three personas I listed, they're all me. I'm perfectly comfortable acting like any three of those, and it comes naturally with the person and the situation. It's not like I actually think "now I'll be crazy" or "now I'll be calm", it just depends on the person I'm with.

And with those "attitude" changes, everything else changes... The clothes I'll choose to wear, the music I'll listen to.. And again, it all comes naturally, and it's all me. None of it is pretending just to fit in. It's all who I, in a way, am.

And it confuses me. When alone, I'm a bit of all that, and much more that I can't even pinpoint. I'm lost. Lost in my own thoughts, in who I am. I really don't know who I am.

When I was once getting totally lost in my own emotions and thoughts, that I can't figure out, I decided to start Tumblr blogging to make it easier.
It helped.
I got three tumblr blogs..
One of them is filled with cigarettes, alcohol, sex pictures..
One of them is happy, hopeful, cheerful pictures..
One of them is beautiful, expensive stuff and outing pictures...

And all of that is stuff I like. All of it is something I somehow find myself in. It's all me.. And I don't know who that "me" is.

I have no idea how to describe myself. Because I have no idea who I am, what I am, and what I'm like.
I really need help.

I also have a problem with interests.. Just like I'm so confused about my personality, I'm also confused about my interests.
And liking celebrities.
One day, I feel like studying a religion. Then, I feel like collecting something. And then I want to draw. Then to make videos. Then to do photoshop. Then to run a tumblr, a fan one or whatever.
One day, I like, obsessively, Lana del Ray. Then, I like Little Boots. And so on. And sure, you can like more celebrities.. Of course. But it's a short time obsession. A few days, and then I don't care.
One day I feel like watching Vampire Diaries, I start.. Then I want to watch Game of Thrones.

And I just can't figure out what I want, what I like.

I'm a terrible mess.

I'm emotionally drained, and I guess all of this confusion kinda comes from being broken. But I have to pick myself up because it's hard.

I decided to fix myself this summer, before school starts.

I don't want to be this mess anymore, I know I can be alright, but I just need to somehow get a grip.

I know this may sound common and irrelevant, but it's running and ruining me. I can't keep track of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, wishes... And it gives me headaches, makes me restless, confused, just messed up..

I do not have any mental problems, or a trauma, or anything..
This is just me.

"Fear cuts deeper than swords."
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Everglow. Offline
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Re: Don't know who am I really - July 15th 2013, 12:39 AM

Hey there,

I think this is a fairly normal problem actually. In sociology I studied this model (I forget the name of it), and it explained how we can act like one person in one situation and another person in another situation, because they are the roles we take on in various different circumstances. For example, someone might be comfortable with people at home, and so sing and dance and joke and talk, but be shy and quiet at school, because different places have different meanings, resulting in different behaviours. Having a range of 'personalities' doesn't mean that you have to be 3 different people. They are all things that make you as an individual, it's just that some people share some characteristics, while others don't, and so you adapt around different types of people. For example, I have one friend who likes all the TV shows and movies I like, and so when we're together, we go on tumblr and look up fan art and gif sets, and we watch TV together and make jokes about the shows we watch, and we're loud and rude to each other, because we share it in common. However, with another group of friends, they're not really into that sort of stuff, so usually our conversations are about school, and I'm a lot more contained and quiet, because that's another side of me which comes to life around people I share that in common with. Make sense?

Having a lot of interests isn't a bad thing either. It gives you a lot to choose from and experiment with, which means that later in life you'll have a lot more experience with different things. If you feel like making a video, you can make one. If you don't carry it on, that's not a problem. I get like that myself too, I get impulses to be creative, and within hours they're gone again. Somethings though tend to be solid, so I'd try and find things that have been continuous over a few years. Is there any one interest you can think of that you've had an interest in for a while now? Maybe something you can research and find out more about? If so, look into making that a full on hobby. If not, try thinking of something and sticking to it. It can be difficult, but that way you might decide what you do and don't enjoy.

A good way to sort yourself out or 'fix' this is to try keeping a diary. Writing is a really good way of orginising your thoughts, so writing up what you do every day and how you feel about it can act as a good reference in the future when you feel tired from over thinking things. It also gets all of the thoughts out of your head and puts them somwehre you can physically lock away, so that they don't need to play on your mind so much. It's just a suggestion and it's something you can attempt.

I hope this has helped a bit. Don't worry too much! This is perfectly normal and I'm sure it wont last forever.
Take care,

A paradox:
The things you donít need to liveó
books, art, cinema, wine, and so onó
are the things you need to live

- Matt Haig

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
FairyPoppins Offline
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Re: Don't know who am I really - July 18th 2013, 09:55 PM

Being a different person depending on who you're with doesn't mean you're "broken". Nor does having lots of varied interests.

The teenage years are all about exploring who we are and so what you are going through is entirely natural. As you get older you will probably decide that you prefer hanging out with certain people and that some hobbies no longer interest you. That's all part of growing up.

I understand that you are feeling confused, but I've yet to meet a teenager who didn't feel this way!

I suggest you just go with it - do what you want to do, when you want to do it. You don't need to keep track of anything. In time you will feel more settled and sure of who you are.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Don't know who am I really - July 19th 2013, 12:56 AM

Hun you are not a mess. At least not from what you've described! Pretty much everyone goes though not knowing who they are. Hell, I don't know who I am. It's really common among teenagers because you're finally starting to think on your own and act with a bit more independence but after moving on from your childhood you might feel lost. What you're feeling is okay and natural. Liking a range of different things is okay too. You don't need to label yourself or try to fit yourself neatly into one category.

♥ PM me anytime, I'm here for you ♥

Out of the ashes I'm burning like a fire. You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar. I've got shame, I've got scars that I will never show. I'm a survivor in more ways than you know. 'Cause all the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound. So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised. Now I'm a warrior.
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