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Hdjdjdjduvieg Offline
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Don't quite know where to put this... - December 16th 2009, 05:01 AM

But I feel like I want to lead two, separate, entirely different lives and finding compromise is nearly impossible.

Part of me craves structure. I want a stable career in the military as an officer. I am filled with a sense of patriorism and ambition, my goal to make a difference in the world. I want to rescue prisoners, and gather intel necessary to save innocent lives. I also want to pursue a scientific field perhaps genetic engineering and pre-med, so i can have a basic understanding of stem-cell, as well as emergency surgery. It all sounds like the noble path, right? I try my best in school to achieve this, I exercise regularly, I strain my being to my very limits.

Then there's the other part of me. I have always been a rebel of sorts, and I want nothing more than to be a vagabond and travel without seatbelts on... I want to be a rake, free to do what I please whenever I please. I want nothing more than to pursue my love for my guitar, and live on stage at any gigs possible. That's wot I love more than anything. I love the people watching, admiring, I love the sex, the drugs, the money (cliche, I know). I want to go back on skag, and have the good life again. I can't stand all the pressure of everything else.

And there inlies my problem. There are two completely different lives I want to lead, and I'm dying trying to do both. My brain lies with the first, my heart with the second. I know who I'm trying to be VS who I am... yet I feel as if if I do not try to be the disciplined leader, I'll fail miserably in life and be someone I hate. UGH.


I love the name of honour more than I fear death.
   
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Re: Don't quite know where to put this... - December 16th 2009, 10:06 AM

You're 17 right? Why not be the rebel for a couple of years, then when you don't want to anymore or need some structure, go into the military. Even then, part of your rebel dream is to play guitar, so why not do both? When on tour, be the military officer that helps the world, then when you're home, enjoy your family and friends, and try and get gigs at local bars. It might not be sex money and drugs, but it's better than nothing.

Basically, be the rebel while you're young, then when you're ready to/ need to have structure, become a military officer. If you still miss the music, then play gigs when not on tour. That's all I can say that might work.

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Re: Don't quite know where to put this... - December 16th 2009, 10:09 AM

Thanks for the response.
I do still play my guitar now and again, but I feel like I'm too busy with everything else to find the time. Between civil air patrol, having a job that i work 6 nights a week, being an emt, leading community service projects, being editor-in-chief of the newspaper, playing sports, studying for sat/act, getting good grades, and sleeping, i haven't time for anything anymore. And I think that's wot conflicts me the most.


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Re: Don't quite know where to put this... - December 16th 2009, 10:16 AM

Well maybe you want to be a rebel so much because you're so busy with all this other stuff. You're giving a lot, which is great, but I think you need to cut back and have some 'me' time. If you don't just stop and relax then all the work can get too much.
   
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