Triggering: Don't believe People

[Ashleyhateslife]

I'm not sure where this would go. I was just wondering if this is normal or not. When people say they aren't happy, suicidal or upset I don't believe them, I am though and I expect people to believe me. When people say they were rape, molested, or abused I don't believe them on that either, but I was and I expect people to believe me. I feel like no one believes me or they try to say they are worse off. I do have major trust problems, is this what is causing me to feel this way, is it normal? I feel bad that I don't believe others but I expect them to believe me but deep down inside no matter how hard i try I can't believe them. I feel bad and I want to help them, but I can't if I don't think it's the truth... Make sense?

[Fairy Poppins]

As you mentioned, believing people means trusting that they are telling the truth.

Trusting someone requires a big leap of faith and if you have been let down by people in the past, it's understandable that you feel like this.

I guess you have to learn not to "tar everyone with the same brush". This means that just because people have lied to you in the past, you can't assume that new people will do the same.

It will always hurt when you find out that someone hasn't been truthful and situations like this do happen on TeenHelp. But for the most part, users are truthful and do want genuine help.

You should therefore give them the benefit of the doubt.

This doesn't mean getting so close that you will feel hurt if they are lying, but simply offering solutions to their problems and then moving on to someone elses.

[Ashleyhateslife]

I believe people and try to help them on TH just not in person...

[Fairy Poppins]

Well the same advice applies.

If you don't want to get hurt, try to give them advice without getting close to them.

But go with the theory that they are telling the truth, even if it's difficult for you.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Some people do lie for whatever motives, so I agree that trusting people on face-value isn't always a great idea. However, for me if I don't get some feeling they are lying or skeptical, I decide to believe them. I'll admit I'm probably a bit different from others because when I think someone is lying to me, I'd get "hurt" to not continue to talk with them to get further inside their head.

Why do you find it easier to trust and help people on TH rather than in-person? Is it the facial emotional expressions or something else in-person?

If you were willing you could try to talk to people from TH online via camera and microphone so it's more like in-person interaction.

[Ashleyhateslife]

When I look someone in the eyes, I feel betrayal... I think that's why I believe people over the Internet.... I don't know most if you, so most likely you guys haven't hurt me or lied to me. Most people I talk face to face I catch them lying. And the facial expression do add to it, also, if they don't look me in the eyes I wonder if there is a reason why they won't look me in the eyes.... It's confusing.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Originally Posted by Ashleyhateslife

When I look someone in the eyes, I feel betrayal... I think that's why I believe people over the Internet.... I don't know most if you, so most likely you guys haven't hurt me or lied to me. Most people I talk face to face I catch them lying. And the facial expression do add to it, also, if they don't look me in the eyes I wonder if there is a reason why they won't look me in the eyes.... It's confusing.

Avoiding eye contact is actually something police use as part of their method of trying to determine if someone is lying. Granted there are different social conditions in-person versus a police station, however, eye contact is culture-based. Some cultures view direct eye contact as indicating hostility, rudeness and anger, so for them indirect contact means respect. For other cultures, indirect eye contact means uncertainty and nervousness, which of course leads people to think they're lying since there's few other reasons to explain perceived uncertainty and nervousness. If you stare at someone, they may look away even in cultures that promote direct eye contact because staring can be socially awkward and makes people feel they are being seen through, so they want to break away. When I talk to some people, I sometimes stare right into their eyes and they eventually tell me that they don't like it as it's scary, invasive and can be hollow. This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy because your behaviour may make them uncomfortable, so they look away, which in turn makes you uncomfortable. They may sense you're uncomfortable, which makes them confused and perhaps even more uncomfortable, and round and round it goes until the conversation ends. I'm not sure if you do stare into their eyes when you talk but even if you don't, people can sense whether you're uncomfortable and uncertain, which makes them uncertain because they cant figure out why you're uncertain.

Facial expressions can be used to tell if someone is lying, however, it's not universal and always context-bound.

We all lie throughout our lives. Technically, we lie when we remember something because we rarely preserve the memory in complete integrity, however, this type of lying isn't conscious or voluntary.

I talk to many strangers of all ages, social classes, cliques, and whatever other categories. It's not that I have 100% trust they're always being truthful, in fact it's not something I'm terribly concerned about. By talking to strangers, you improve your social communication skills. I've lied to many strangers for the sake of improving my lying abilities and detecting any awkwardness in them, although the latter I'm no where near fool-proof at. By talking to strangers, you get to practice and don't worry if you screw up and they think you're too weird for even a psych ward, it's practice and there are billions to practice on. Try to be more open to trusting them, although you can go in increments, you don't need to dive straight into the water from 100 meters up, you can go meter by meter or even centimeter by centimeter (or inch by inch).

Ask various people on TH if they're willing to Skype with you. Choose people you know and don't know, so the unfamiliar people are strangers while the familiar people can add some degree of comfort. It's particularly useful on TH because many people have social shyness, so you won't be out in the open all alone. For the record, I don't fit in the category of shy people online and in-person as you've probably noticed.

[Ashleyhateslife]

Thanks, I may try that.

[TheBabyEater]

I get what you mean. For me it all depends on the person, and quite often how they say whatever they're saying. Even if someone is joking around and slips that they're depressed or suicidal or something, I can often tell if you're being sincere or if they're just looking for a bit of attention. That's the sad, honest truth is that these days there are way too many kids (and adults!) that crave constant attention. I have honest to god met people, friends even, who have flat out lied to me about plans to kill them self, cutting them self, even being raped. Needless to say, I don't talk to any of them once I find out they're lying. If I have suspicions, I usually don't just quit talking to them, I just don't bring it up.

Even over the internet, even on TH sometimes I just can't believe someone's story. Generally on here people seem to tell the truth. But I can't say that for 100% everyone sadly.