Triggering: What happened to make me feel this way?

[Vsp]

First, I'm going to say that I put triggering, because I find that my life is extremely depressing, and I'm going to try and lay everything I ever have, and am thinking about right now.

I'm also posting in general, because it's just a whole bunch of problems, where I thought it may have something to do with some mental disability, but then that makes me feel as though I were seeking pity that I'm not even sure were true, then I thought anxiety, but then I wasn't really sure whether I was afraid or if I had strong ties and didn't want to lose my lazy lifestyle right now.

I feel as though this requires a life story, because I have no idea where something went wrong.
No one has to read that part, but if you want to try and get a better understanding of what i might be thinking you're free to have a look...
_

Spoiler:

Ever since I could remember, I'd been picked on, there are even a few memories around when I was 3-5 years old.
Our neighbors had a daughter and son, named Whitney and Brendan, Whitney was my age, where Brendan was a lot older, not an adult, but not a pre-teen.
I always wanted to be going outside, and somehow I always ended up playing or being around Whitney, she was the only person around so I guess that's how it happened, and every time no matter what, she'd pick on me, I don't remember any specific words, but I remember that they hurt, somehow back then I just got back up and did whatever without a care.
I remember more in detail with things involving her older brother, he'd dare and pressure me into doing things such as standing in front of a hole, where a stream of bees kept coming out off, or daring/telling me that if I ate the other neighbor's dog's crap, she'd give me another one with candy in it, thankfully I wasn't so stupid as to believe him, and went back inside then.
Anyways
This went on ever since I was able to walk, up until first grade, Whitney's family moved away after I went to kindergarten, but then obviously, the bullying and pressuring continued, but not with just one person, at least 5-10 more people, all whose names I don't remember from back then, would pick on me, and pressure me, all details which I can't remember, where I can only remember that I was basically alone.
Kindergarten through 7th grade, I'd always had one friend, his name was Randy.
Every month or so, we'd hang out, going to each other's houses, playing games and stuff.
Sometimes we/he became friends with other kids, one who got a kick out of making fun of me and having Randy over to his house, and then denying he was there when I called, I wasn't a crazy person who'd never leave him alone or anything like that.
Through the years, we'd hang out at less frequent intervals, every 2 months, 3,4,6,10, a year, we stopped being friends, I was basically alone left with all the bullies in the school with no one to turn to, and the way my parents raised me, I didn't believe they'd actually listen to my problems, seeing as how my dad would jump at any opportunity he could, to yell at me, things such as me breathing heavily (Just breathing out of my mouth rather than my nose), my mom was always there for me, not emotionally, as a parent who babied me, bathed me about once or twice a week, fed me and tucked me in at night. She never actually talked to me about anything, so I figured I wouldn't talk to her about anything.
Back to my life, I'd lost my only friend, and was submerged in a world of bullies, the only salvation I ever heard, to forget about all of my troubles, was to play video games, my introduced me to a SNES when I was only a year old, and I'd played non-stop, whichever chance I got.
I'd gotten used to them.
They never picked on me, they never changed, I knew exactly what to expect whenever I'd play one, nothing new, nothing hurtful, nothing real.
Every time I came home from school, it was straight to the games, I could focus on them, and forget about my day, every single day. THAT'S what I was raised by mentally.
In 8th grade, in an Art class this kid named Denny, was talking about my mom and how she was a bitch towards him, it's kind of hard not to be, when you have an asshole for a customer, pardon my language, but that word pretty much sums up Denny.
When he made the comment, and then directed some question towards me that I don't remember exactly, I broke, I didn't cry or anything, I just got up, and stormed out of the classroom, sat in the principal's office without telling anyone anything, mentioned what he said to my mom when she got there, eventually I was pulled out and then sent to some other school, a charter school, kids make their own projects and learn about what they want, I did one introductory project, and then I'd just sit their at my desk, with my computer, doing nothing productive, I didn't feel like I needed to do anything, I didn't then, and I still think I don't know, though I'm more educated to know that's not true, I need to live my own life, but I'm stuck.
For 6 months nothing much happened except for the usual bullying, not so often because I wasn't forced into close quarters with most of the bullies and we're required to stay in our assigned advisories, but it still happened, during lunch time.
Eventually my advisor, who was in no way a person I'd ever find myself talking to about my problems, starts talking to me and asking me about why I haven't been working or why I've been on some non-productive website. I shrugged and then he set up a meeting with my parents, only my mom came, and then he mentioned sticking me in some behavioral establishment, a treatment center, I don't know any of the details of what kind of place it was specifically, all I remember is what town it was in, my mom was against it, I continued my laziness, and instead of asking me if anything was troubling me, or why I didn't feel like doing work, he made accusations about why I wasn't doing anything, he thought I was hateful, but I don't think I was.
Around here is kind of a blur, I can't remember if I was sent back to my first school for a little bit because I was anti-productive at this school, wait, I'm pretty sure that's how it went, I went back to my first school after my single year at the charter school ended. I at no point had the credits to continue on with the class I was with before, but the principal felt pity for me, said this himself; due to all I've been through with the bullying, and stuck me with my original class, or the one I should of been on if I'd never left/passed my grades.
I was prescribed anti-depressants for a short while somewhere around here, life was okay I guess, still got picked on.
Life, wasn't okay, I hated school, I hated going there having to deal with everyone there, eventually I started waking up with migraines, every time I'd wake up in the morning to go to school, I had one, it was such a degree level of pain, I wasn't able to get up and out of bed because I couldn't stop clenching my head, my dad tried dragging me out, once, and I wasn't even able to stand up right, he left me right there because he couldn't drag me or move me, and I blacked out right there, and like every other time, I wake up and feel perfectly fine, every time it was conveniently where there was no more going to school. these migraines continued on for about a year, and I never went to school through that time because I'd always wake up with them.
To this day, I'm almost positive everyone thought I was faking, I really wish I was, I wish that there was some way I could of allowed them to feel my pain, not to make them suffer but to allow them to know what it felt like.
Over a year went by, causing suspicions with the county and my school of course, it's obvious they would of acted on truancy laws, well, people kept mentioning it anyway.
They eventually sent me to another, "special" school, one for kids with problems, be they mental or some other kind, there were bullies there too! I went there for 3 days, and then the migraines came back, eventually, my parents just gave up, migraines continued, then eventually, I just started taking pills, random amounts from random bottles at random times, yet my behavior or thoughts never changed, I wasn't trying to kill myself, and I wasn't getting any special feeling from taking them, I just took them, nothing changed when I did so, I was convinced that something was wrong with me, then one time, something did happen.
One morning, on a weekend, I'd woken up w/o a migraine, at some point, I took an entire, untouched bottle, of my own anti-depressants, (Later finding out they had large amounts of hallucinogens in them.) Nothing happened for quite some time. I remember feeling very, very lonely that night, when I was on the computer, it seemed people weren't talking, and I was alone in the world. I eventually just went to bed, woke up, it was a monday, I felt fine, GREAT even. I went to school like this, when I got there I was immediately set in one of their time-out rooms with this gigantic stack of paper, "Homework."
I didn't do any of it, I started on one, then I got side tracked, I started hearing voices, I thought my fingers were extending, I felt it all. I started to feel sick too and asked that they take my temperature, it was over 100 Degrees, and apparently found out they're obligated to take me home if I have a temperature over 100, they sent me home with some old guy who I could of swore was going to pull over and kick me out, I kept hearing him calling me stupid, or other vulgar words that I won't mention. This next part I don't remember, but my mom told me it happened, so yeah. When the guy pulled up to the front of my house, I supposedly collapsed the second I got out of the car, right there on the front lawn, and woke up to my mom playing guitar hero on the big screen tv, she asked me if I wanted to play, I did, tells me I got perfect every time. Blah Blah.
I go upstairs, swear I'm shrinking, go under stuff, get back up to go downstairs, swear the house is shaking, rump slide down the stairs, lay on the couch, feel as though I'm falling onto spikes repeatedly, over and over, fingers feel like they're going to explode, eventually my mom notices/says something and then I end up being taken to the ER.
Once there all I remember is staring up at the light, hearing static, that ring you hear when everything's silent, spinning; empty patient rooms and so one, I keep hearing this louder ring, that one when people flat-line.
I throw up a few of those anti-depressants I took the day before and then they start asking me about it right then and there, asking me why I tried to kill myself, I wasn't TRYING to kill myself, it just sort of happened, but they weren't going to comply with that, so I just said idk, I was dropped up at a psyche ward after about 3 days, because that's how long the pills took to wear off apparently, first day, I felt as though I was being held captive, and was held down and given shots and restraints, later find out 7 guys were holding me down and it took 3 shots of muscle relaxers to calm me down... so I was in that bed, no shower, don't remember eating anything, all I remember is laying there in restraints while every once in a while I wake up, and some person comes in, and holds some plastic jug down yonder so I can pee...
I was moved to a psyche ward, and was there for about 2 weeks, it was a great place, I loved it there,the people were nice, every morning we talked about something, the other patients that were there were all great, we all talked and stuff, sometimes I let a bad word slip and was sent to my room for 10 minutes, but they did it in a way that I was okay with it, no "high and mighty" voice levels, no "I'm the boss, you'll listen to what I say" stuff. I saw some therapist guy twice, he came to the conclusion that I had a very severe form of depression, I was prescribed more anti-depressants, first it was 100mg, 150, 200, I was up to 400 when eventually I just decided to stop taking them, then eventually, when my parents were going to to their friend's house, they wanted me to go with me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid, this is about 6 months later mind you, SO instead of going to their friends house, they stay at home, 30 minutes later, dad snaps and removes ALL electronics from my room, so I just sneak up into my own personal shell and do absolutely nothing every single day. Eventually get called my the county, I'm in a meeting, make a suggestion that I get sent to a treatment center and give me a choice to go to 1 of the 2 they've selected, I'm positive that if I didn't make a decision, they'd of sent me to one or the other regardless of my decision.
The treatment center, was horrible. The staff members were complete jerks, they were paranoid and suspicious of everything and anyone, and would jump at the slightest opportunity to put on a time out, or a "Consequence."

One, completely unfair, notable time, was once in the morning, when everyone was doing their laundry, everyone's assigned a day, and there a certain amount of people for each day, I was the last in the people to stick their laundry in the washer/dryer, and everyone else before me took their freakin' time. I eventually got it all done, and then it was time to take a shower, THING IS, the people that were assigned to take showers in my assigned bathroom, were all doing their business, so I couldn't shower while I waited for the laundry room to open up, and then when I finally get my laundry clean and back in my room, we have 5 minutes until we walk over to the lunch room for breakfast, I hadn't taken a shower yet. I tell one of the staff members, and she yells in my face that i should of thought of taking a shower before hand or something like that, but I couldn't of, I tell her this and she says yeah right, followed with more ranting, eventually telling me if I'm not clean and showered by the time I'll be on a consequence, low and behold, I actually get it done in under 5 minutes, I may not be as clean as if I were to wait for lather to set in, but I swear that soap had touched everything, I come out, she yells there's no way you could of taken a shower in that time!!! and tells me to take another shower after breakfast, I didn't get on a consequence, but today I still think about what I'd say to her about the whole thing, like:
"So you sent me into the bathroom, 'fully knowing' that I wouldn't be able to get it done in time, so instead you put me through the pressure of actually having a chance from staying off of consequence, rather than just putting me on the consequence?!"
Anyways, that place was horrible, it was like jail, with a little more freedom, and guards with a lot more attitude.
So, eventually I'm released, which doesn't happen unless I'm cured or fixed of whatever reason I went in there for, which today I'm not even sure what.
I went back to the charter school, and did one project all year, without doing time logs or keeping track of anything, so I got no credits for it, so for about 2-3 years I didn't much of anything, eventually my parents put me into online schooling, I don't do much of anything there either, and then eventually drop out, for 2 more years here I am doing absolutely nothing.

I'm afraid to go out and do anything that involves people, such as asking for an application, I've done this twice for the same place, a longgg time ago,around the beginning of my first year old laziness, I never got a call, and I've just been playing video games here, doing absolutely nothing for my life.
I WANT to go out and get a job, but I'm stopped by... something, Idk what, I don't want to go out there.
I'm self-conscious and can't stop thinking about what other people are thinking about me, because I always catch people with a disgusted glance whenever they're looking at me.
I can't help but think about people and what they think of me and I just can't start doing anything, I don't know, but do know what to do.
I can't do anything.
I can, but I can't, because I feel like I'm prevented by something.

and just about an hour ago, my dad told me that we're going to lose the house if he continues to support me, I just feel like crap right now, and I don't want to be homeless, and I've thought about suicide and what it would bring, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, and don't see it as an option.
I don't know what to do.

[MrsV]

Hello I am MrsV just finish reading your story and I want to tell you that you are a valuable person. You must see what you like to do and have it grow. I would like to help you if that is ok to explore with you that special something you are good in. I am happy that you have not committed suicide that is not the way. Believe me there is a plan with you and if it is ok we can explore together. I am here if you would like to conversate. Just remember you are loved by many people.

MrsV

[California]

I agree with everything MrsV is telling you, sometimes it just take people longer then others to find their correct path to take in life. Don't worry my friend your path will come clear to you soon enough don't loose faith in yourself. Life is to precious to waste I hope you know that, stay strong and keep pushing ahead