Being buried alive, then rising from the ashes

[ThePunkAlien]

BEING BURIED ALIVE, THEN RISING FROM THE ASHES

Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied. Truth is, I had a beginning like most children do, but where this story begins is where my life starts to fall apart around me, plunging me into the darkest depths possible and how I managed to rise from the ashes into the man I am today. It's the kind of story that goes to show you, that no matter how hard things get - there's always a light at the end of the tunnel if you just open yourself up to it...

Flash back to middle school, 8th grade, that's when my life started going out of control. I was knocked down. Beaten down. Seen as a freak. This one girl was having a house party, as a joke one of the guys faked to invite me – I was excited, I felt like I was finally accepted – then she yanks it out of my hands and says, “I don’t want him to come” – further confirming how people looked at me.

I was always made fun of because I had a speech impediment. I tried to hide that I was seeing a speech therapist, because I was really ashamed of myself. When somebody brought it up on a bus - so that everyone could hear - I went coastal and started to fight, mainly because also on that bus was a girl that I liked and I felt like my whole world had been thrown out the window. I overheard someone saying that I came off as constipated. From that moment on I rode in the front of the bus, hiding out of sight.

In class, there was this group that constantly made my life a living hell. I decided that it was best to scare them rather than live up to their harassment. Keep in mind that this was 2001 and "kids snapping" was still fresh in people's heads. I made them believe I had this psychotic split personality; it got to them so much that I was sent down to the office. My parents got the call, but didn't make much of it.

Also that year I was at the movie theaters with my father and little sister. I wore this yellow shirt, just a regular yellow shirt... a couple of row backs a couple of kids my age thought it was hilarious though and decided to make me a target. They yelled out insults and called me names. I couldn’t do anything, but sit there, I felt like going up and beating the hell out of them though – but was restrained because my father was there. It was around that time that I completely shut down.

I figured that it would be better if I just left that school district once I graduated. But, my problems followed me. There were a couple of cool guys and my best friend Nick at the new school, but the rest knocked me down. They kept tormenting me, to get a rise out of me and it worked. Also – note that it was also hell in that it was a private all guy’s school.

In class they’d kick my chair, throw things at me when the teacher wasn’t looking and constantly poke me. Whenever I would react the teachers would act as though I had something wrong with me, rather than seeing the root of it – over time I did nothing. The lockers were too small, but I was shoved up against them at times. They’d call me names, as well as steal things when I wasn’t looking. I would go to the guidance councilors, they said they’d handle it – it never did any good. I was also harassed just as badly by one of the teachers who said that he picks a student to harass every year because he thought they could handle it… I couldn’t, but I couldn’t do anything because his brother ran the school! I didn’t want to go to my parents because then my classmates would find out and things would get worse. There was literally no one I could turn to, besides a couple of teachers who were cool and the janitor (it was like kinda like Brian in ‘Breakfast Club’). I also started to hide in places where no one would find me, further isolating myself from everything and everyone. It was around that point that I started to see all people as evil, a world I could never understand and would never accept me.

On the bus it was worse, there was no escape. I was a screenwriter, which was of course “weird” to most of my classmates – small town, god I wish I grew up in Los Angeles! A couple of teens, actually a year younger – though stronger – would rip it out of my hands and start reading it as though it was a gay porn and everyone on the bus laughed. Thankfully Nick was there, my best friend since we were children who has stood up for me since we knew each other.

In my first year of high school, I was left alone with my sister at a friend of the family’s house whose son was heavily medicated and didn’t take his medication that day. That night he took a knife and ran after my sister. I got her to safety and told her that I was going, to lock the door behind me. There was no way out. I got a knife and faced him. He called a friend over; I once again acted psychotic *having seen it work in 8th grade* and scared his friend away. Then I charged at him, afraid that he’d go after my sister… but, she left the bathroom. If she hadn’t had come out, he would be dead – I was that close to killing him. Needless to say, if my life wasn’t bad enough, I started to question my own sanity which didn’t help matters… my kindergarten teacher once said I’d either be the next Lex Luthor or Steven Spielberg, thus the attack and everything that came before and after scared me because I was afraid that both of her prophecies were coming true. I felt like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. I knew that if I wanted to, I could kill someone. On top of that my distrust for people was on the rise.

The next year, one of my friends attempted to commit suicide. The way my parents started the story, I thought he actually did it before finding out that he was still alive. I had saw some of the signs, but didn’t think much of it and started to blame myself for not coming forward with the information that I only understood after the fact.

Around Christmas time of that year, I heard that my grandmother had a terminal illness. I was heartbroken. She was the one person that truly understood me and was always there for me. I lost my faith in God. Although she lived on, I didn’t see it as a “fair test.” My whole life seemed to be these “tests” to see what would make me finally break down.

In school things had gotten worse. I was a complete outcast. The dark depressed loner that people hear about on the news. I remember having these fantasies about killing and thinking about making a bomb. Just ending my misery and taking out those who harassed me. Sometimes these memories were vivid, like standing up, taking out a gun and shooting one of my tormentors through the head to have their blood squirt onto the black board. Anyone who tested me, I started to push back.

My Math teacher who for some reason, I forget how it got started, threatened me with “mafia contacts.” I said out in class that I had contacts of my own, and that he could kill his guy and kill him when he least expected it. Blurting that out kinda scared me, but interestingly Nick thought it was cool…

My tormentors had seemed to be able to track me down now. When one came after me next, I charged at him, ready to fight. Needless to say, I lost.

Over the months that followed I threatened somebody that I’d kill them. And I took the next step by going to a city kid who was tough and grew up in the wrong parts and bribed him to kill somebody. Eventually, however, I pulled out of the deal (the tormentor lived) afraid that it would all leak back to me and I’d get caught – not that I would feel guilty for what happened to them at the time.

The fantasies and lust for revenge however continued. By this point I was really depressed and saw myself as something not human. I was seen and noted as being a freak for so long that I had began to believe them. I became the very thing they said I was. I’m just lucky that my parents didn’t have a gun in the house and that I didn’t know how to get one or make a bomb without getting caught. Nor was there a 'partner' to help push me further in that direction.

In Senior Year things started to even out, thus my fuse was put on stand by. But, if there was one more push – that would have been my breaking point. My religion teacher that year reached out a helping hand when I was truly losing sight of God, by telling me a way to look at it… if I believed in good in the world (which I told him I didn’t, and he said at least some good, no matter how small – which I couldn’t argue against) that I believed in God, because God represents good; ironically the teacher to bring back my faith was actually Jewish teaching religion at a Jesuit Christian school.

Thus, I came close to being the next Columbine kid or aspired to be the next Columbine kid. There were a couple of things that held me back. I didn’t hate everybody, there were a couple of cool guys – although in the minority in comparison that were good and made me feel like I belonged. Nick also included me in playing sports with him and the guys from time to time, which also neutralized some of the negativity I had; however after I while, I stopped going (which is explained later). I also didn’t know how to go about it. I survived high school – barely, but I’m still haunted by the alternate reality of what could have been; though not as much as I used to be.

I moved away and ran as far as I could. I blocked those memories from my mind, selective amnesia went into play. But, I still didn’t trust anyone and my roommate and I were polar opposites – thus we never got along. It wasn’t constant fights, but he’d annoy me and I’d fight him right back. I even went up to study to get away from him. But, I never got out much and I didn’t trust anyone.

I went to the film club in the beginning of the first semester, but soon dropped out because I was afraid that I wouldn’t fit in anywhere. Thus, it was going to school then coming back to my room all the time. Living life alone as an island. My roommate even brought this up, because I guess my lone wolf behavior weirded him out. That’s another thing – I started seeing myself as a lone wolf and that that’s how I was meant to be. I would never fit in anywhere, no one fit in with me… that way of thinking overran my life and consumed everything I did. I think people sensed that in me and some gave up. I later found this out, that part of me was self-sabotaging and it was recently confirmed by Nick who told me he hadn't invited me back to be with the guys since I started moving away out of fear of getting too close to a good thing.

There was however one good moment in my Freshman year. I was lost in New York City after a field trip, I found my way back to the train station and found that three other guys also got lost. We all took the train ride together. One of the passengers accounted us as being the “four brothers” – after the Mark Wahlburg movie. After we got back to the last train stop, they had some of their friends meet them there with a car. They asked me if I had a ride, I told them I could call a Taxi – not wanting to bother them anymore. But, then they said that they didn’t want to leave me out there alone and invited me to come with them. This really made my day and I think this one moment was when I started slowly seeing people as good again.

That winter my cat died. Who was always there for me at the worst of times and at the best of times. I got back to school and had no energy to do anything, nearing the end I fell into a depression and was able to come home from time to time due to home sickness.

That summer I started losing contacts with one of my childhood friends, Andy, and started hanging with a neighbor (also went to high school together in the final years) – let’s call him Brendan.

In Sophomore year. The first semester I went back to the film club, with a very tragic and dark – almost emo – screenplay I had written. I was extremely nervous because of being made fun of all throughout high school for writing screenplays. I was told by Sean that it “sucked,” the others laughed – that was the last time I went there during the first semester. I think this event was what kicked me into my next depression.

Over Christmas break it descended further as memories of high school began to flood my mind. I would later find out that I was schizoid, but at the time I had no idea what was going on. This was the first stage of ‘recovery’ – reliving the past to acknowledge that it was not my choice to become the lone wolf I was and is noted as being deeply painful – I had started recovery unconsciously. All of the memories I had ran away from and blocked from my mind came back… It got so bad that I thought I was seventeen again, in Junior year, when I was that depressed loner with guns and death on his mind. I was afraid that when I got back to high school, I wouldn’t hesitate… I had to keep reminding myself that I was in college now and that it was all just in my head. I started seeing myself as a monster and was afraid of what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I wrote that into a screenplay about a werewolf who was in college; a typical guy gets bitten, starts psychologically breaking down and is afraid that he might kill someone and in the end commits suicide. I brought this to the film club; I was really hesitant because it would be revealing an aspect of myself to others. But everyone universally loved it, I felt like crying that’s how intense it was for me. Because it seemed that all my life writing was one thing that got me knocked down and finally, when I found my “writing voice,” I was accepted. But, it would still take some time before it would all sink in. I even did a film with the four brothers (from the train station) for class and we had a great time, I also continued to feel like everything was going right. I was later invited to participate in a senior film project, this was the first time I was ever invited to do something by people I hadn’t known since I was five. Sean was there, but he seemed to be a cooler guy than I originally thought – but I didn’t really know.

The werewolf film was set to go into production soon and I was led to David (my age) who knew special effects at the school, we started communicating online. (The werewolf film didn’t go into production). He lives/d in Los Angeles. When I found out that I’d be heading to USC for the summer, I contacted him to see if we could hang out when I was down there, I was really hesitant that he’d say, “hell no!” But, he said yes.

Down in Los Angeles, my life continued to rise from the ashes. I hung out with David and had the time of my life. I got into some troubles with a taxi and was left outside of a theater in the middle of nowhere, but these random strangers staid with me to make sure I got back safely (this was at night). This action truly made me see that people are inherently good by nature, going against everything that I had believed previously – this was when that way of thinking stopped. I also started interacting with a cool guy at USC, but soon after isolated myself away because I was afraid of something going wrong.

Enter the first semester of this year. I started slowly making something of my life. I was invited to a house party for the first time! Since middle school house parties have always been seen as something I’d never get invited to, because it was for cool and normal people and I was a freak – thus, this was another huge moment in my life. I reestablished contact with a ‘acquaintance’ I had at the college from years before and made it something a bit more. I also went to Frightfest with the group, where I was more “out there” than I was in the past.

I met and started interacting with a couple of girls over the semester, one at a speed-friend thing (people were there to purposefully socialize, forgot to ask for number) and a girl approached me in the library (didn't make my move because at that point I still had low self-esteem). But college has really been high school in that department, made some beginner mistakes… for this reason alone, I seriously regret going private rather than public. David and I started hanging out more and we became friends as well as colleagues, he’s the first friend I’ve really made by my own since I was five (the other being Brendan which was more due to being neighbors and our parents than anything else)

On a forty-eight hour film shoot, Sean and I headed our team up. We got into some trespassing trouble, but over the course of the semester I really found out that he’s a cool guy. Going against my initial reaction. In fact, my film that’s in production with David – Sean may work on it and help out… talk about full circle. Also as for the four brothers, I and one of the brothers may work on a project together as well coming up… But, have to confess nearing the end, I skipped some meetings and it became a habit to skip.

Over break Nick and I went around, he caught me up to speed on the whole dating thing… which I’m still embarrassed about, but as said before – I’ve had chances last semester, just never seized the opportunity, one girl practically came up to me – but my esteem in that department was still low, this was before all of the good and life-changing things that happened later in the semester. I’m still mad about not acting on that. But, I see it as – I attracted some girls and had my chance, this semester I’ll most likely get ahead.

I won’t say this year wasn’t marked by bad things so far, though, because it was. I broke off with the Brendan, but in the process re-established links with the childhood friend I had lost contact with (Andy); so in the end I think it’s for the best. My cousin died this break, who was the same age as I was – only being weeks younger, and I felt as though I lost a twin because we were brought up together practically. But, in a sense I feel like she finally broke those final chains. I had to face that I wasn’t immortal, that life was fleeting, and that I had to make the most of it. I wasn’t the black sheep in my personal family, but I was in my extended family. She was the good one. But, I felt like I had to break out of that as well and found that I had to do many things differently, that I couldn’t hide in the shadows any more anywhere. ”I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is you.”

Now I’m preparing to go back for the second semester of my Junior Year of College. I have my first college friend and life-long friend, since we’ll be living in the same city after graduation and have plans to try to work on a couple of official projects together. But, in the mean time we’re working on this kick ass film that we’re going to enter into student festivals across the nation that I feel really proud of because it’s my best work and has a lot to it. I feel confident in the girl department as well because of my raised self-esteem and finally participating in everything around me. I was that shy kid sitting off to the side, but when I enter this time I’m going to thrust myself out there and talk to the people around me and even go to specific events to try to meet people. I went from depressed loner to someone who’s not afraid of taking the next step, well I’m still afraid – but now I know that I will be afraid and I’m going to fight that, which will be my last test.

As I said earlier, I’m a schizoid or developed into one over the years from various moments. As I got closer in, you might notice that I would always run. I’d run because I was afraid that things would get too good to be true and I’d get hurt. But, now I know why I feel like that. That’s a symptom. But, now that I know that – I know how ridiculous it is as well, thus in a sense knowing your enemy allows you to defeat your enemy.

I should also note that David is strongly connected into the film industry, as it turns out, having even helped a family member out on a HIT blockbuster film coming out this summer! I didn’t know this upon first becoming friends, but also find it odd and cool that he was the first person I trusted and it is going to be a strong working relationship as well since we see eye on eye in everything. (In Hollywood there’s “families” – here I’m “the writer guy.”) Upcoming this summer I’ll be going to an internship affiliated with UCLA, I’ll once again hang out with Mike in LA and be shown around various studios and brought in further.

I was the depressed loner, the kid that’s looked at and inside some know may come to high school one day with a gun if he could because he hated everything around him. Today, I’m nothing like who I was. I’m affiliated, I’m in the league, I’m a brother, I’m on the express train of life and for the first time in my life I’m not scared – rather I’m embracing the future, because I see nothing more than an expansion of this new person I have become. My past still serves as my writing voice, that fear of being a monster, but I know that I’ve defeated the dark prophecy. I’m the next Steven Speilberg, not Lex Luthor. I have chosen my lot in life and I couldn’t be happier. My name on here even changed, used to be troubled, now I’m not.

When the door shuts
Don’t worry about me
Its not attention that I want from you
I need you to trust who I’m gonna be
And in everything I’m going to do

Cause I’m not afraid
Of what I don’t know
For understanding is all that I earn
What is for sure is I’m gonna to go
I’m gonna to live and I’m going to learn

And I know there will be mistakes that I will make
But I know none are worse than chances I don’t take,
Right before your eyes I am changing,
New life on the inside I am changing,

When the door shuts
Its shuts in front of me
A new person that I have become
I follow my heart to my destiny
But living in fear and sorrow is done

There will be no more feeling that I’m all alone
I will surround myself with things that help me grow,
Right before your eyes I am changing,
New life on the inside I am changing,

I could go on, but all I'm saying is, I'm standing on top of the world.

[aloharocker]

Wow. I guess you could say I'm speechless. Your story is so, sad and beautiful and inspiring.

[razors_and_rosary]

i'm so glad i read this. its the kind of thing everyone has to understand. it presents such an amazing message and i look avidly forward to this summer blockbuster.
congratulations and hugs.
r&r xxx

[ThePunkAlien]

Thought I'd respond here by telling you, those who related or liked 'the story of my life' - there's a sequel of sorts. I'm starting a blog here... I'm going to put myself to the test every single day. Partly because I know people will be reading and I need to entertain them. If it means getting shot down by some people, then I'll get shot down. But, the more I throw myself out there - the more chances I have at life. It's time I stopped being the lone wolf in the shadows and fully join the world of the living.

I think the more people I have reading this, or the more people I think read the blog, the more I'll have to throw myself out there. Because a guy locked in a cage, has nothing to report on and I can't disappoint an audience. Think of it as a documentary, some portions may even be filmed, of one story ending and another beginning.

CLICK HERE TO READ BLOG: RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES I AM CHANGING

[moyshi239]

Hey Josh, I moved this to the recovery stories forum, if you've got questions about it feel free to pm me.

Wow. I read this whole thread through, and it's intense, but inspiring. To know that someone who had to go through all of this is terrible, and it's sad to know that some people are cruel beyond words. It's inspiring because you were knocked down so many times,and yet you still managed to get back up. I hope all goes well with your writing :]

[Fieryfxcker]

this is amazing. I mean truly amazing.
You got out of that vicious circle. You made something of yourself.
I'm really happy for you, and I'm glad you have managed to get out of the darkness.
Hopefully one day, that person will be me too.

[romantaholic]

Wow.

I'm sure you've heard that dozens of times before and you're probably getting sick of it but...wow. I don't know you personally but...I feel like I do. And maybe this is going to sound completely wild and crazy but I'm proud of you. And extremely jealous -- scriptwriting? Really! That's fantastic (and has me hoping for my own future). You sound like an amazing person. You've overcome so much and grown into such a wonderful human being, aware of all the good fortunes around you. You're eyes are open to them now because of what you went through, and I understand that completely. It was the same for me. My story is no where near as impressive as yours, but still. I feel like I know you.

Wow. Just wow.

[Hyde n Seek]

I'm speechless.

That is the most beautiful thing I have heard.

I'm inspired.

[flyingpancake]

You are amazing. Purely amazing to get through all that, and you're someone I really look up to. Thank you for sharing your story.