lonely genius becomes whole person through suicide attempt

[rory26]

This is the story of how I became a whole person.

I grew up in an odd family. We weren't allowed to have "fun" books in the house, or any books that weren't about science. My dad would make me read Algebra the Easy Way and the Science Encyclopedia in the car on the way to kindergarten. My earliest memories are of my three-year-old self sitting at an orange Little Tikes table doing four-digit multiplication. If we didn't work, my mom had a ruler she'd bring down on our wrists. Any time not spent working was time we should have spent working. We didn't have friends. But as my dad told the newspaper reporters, "books can be their friends."

By the time I was five, I was ready for algebra. Which meant while everyone else in my class was learning how to add, a teacher took me to the back room and had me factor quadratics out of a workbook. Of course this made me the strange girl nobody wanted to play with. I was badly-behaved, terribly lonely, and deeply conscious of the fact that nobody seemed to like me. It didn't help that I thought I was brilliant and "normal" people were worthless.

My parents knew. They knew I came home crying every day. They knew I never brought anyone home to play with. But they never brought friends home either, so they figured it was more important to teach me physics and Algebra II.

Eventually, the school got sick of me, and I transferred to another school. They got sick of me even faster and forced me to see a therapist under penalty of expulsion. The therapist said I was "highly gifted." Him and my parents sent me to another school and put me in eighth-grade classes. I was eight years old. The only way they could do that was by labeling me a "research project," so now I was a bred experiment in addition to being a genius. If they made me any less human I'd be a robot. Eventually they got sick of me too, and I ended up at a Montessori school only one grade above my age level.

Fast-forward to high school. My classmates' scorn turned to respect and awe as they saw how much I accomplished academically. They even voted me homecoming princess. Apparently, something in me registered as "cool." A lot of people said hi to me in the halls, but nobody talked to me about personal stuff or hung out with me outside of school.

I was lonely. I'd cry every time I saw a movie depicting high school friendships or went to the beach and saw people my age having fun. I thought a lot about killing myself, especially when I started wondering if the academics were worth it. It didn't help that I was abusing my body and getting four hours of sleep a night so I could read my textbooks. I had to - if I got any 4s on my AP exams, I'd have to kill myself too.

I dropped out of high school junior year. I won a bunch of national awards and published a paper on malaria. I went to a top 10 school on a full scholarship. They didn't even wait for me to graduate high school. I was the best. Ever.

- - -

When I actually started living with people - boy, was that a shock. I went through all of adolescence in one year. For the first time I was noticing which people were popular, trying to maneuver myself into the "cool" cliques and avoid the bitter ones. I started noticing what my friends did and wondering if they really liked me or not. One moment my friend would be all I had, the next moment an evil shell of a human being. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork because I was too preoccupied with other people. I couldn't sleep at night because I had to stay up to finish my schoolwork. Eventually I yearned to die just so I could rest.

After the first suicide attempt, they put me on antidepressants. They made me happy, to the point where I went around hugging people I disliked and putting sticky notes on people's doors saying how awesome they were. They didn't change the fact that survival was hard, that I'd lost whatever it was inside me that made me do my laundry and turn in my homework on time. But they did help me feel at peace with the idea that I wasn't suited for the world anymore. So I tried to leave. When the deans found out I tried to kill myself again, they sent me home on medical leave and told me not to come back until I was better.

For the first two months I did nothing but lie on my bed wondering if I was crazy and if I should kill myself. Then I went for a psychological evaluation. It said I was normal. Huh?

Once I didn't have to worry about being crazy, my mood improved steadily. I found internet friends who talked to me and kept me sane. I started valuing myself for things other than intelligence - things like compassion, integrity, and willingness to learn. Best of all, I started understanding people better. I've never been able to see inside other people's lives. But my internet friends talked to me about boys and colleges and what they were afraid of, and now I have a better understanding of emotions and how they affect who we are. Every day I get wiser and happier. I am stronger and stronger. I love life more and more.

I'm going back to school next month. I'm not scared of my emotions anymore, because I have friends who go through the same thing. Having feelings doesn't make me crazy, just human. And even if I'm human, I can love myself anyway.

[Giddy Ian]

I really liked reading that , thanks for sharing!

[rory26]

glad you liked it

[moyshi239]

I can imagine you had a tough time when you were younger, but it's amazing how strong you are today. It always feels a bit better when you realize you're not alone in the way you feel, and that others feel and think some of the same things you do. Finding people you can relate with really help. Good luck with school next month, and thank you for posting your story :]

[rory26]

thanks for the encouragement =]