I honestly donít know why I write this, for what, but I'm still trying to get this down, maybe just to write it ...
I do not know who I am, I feel shielded from the world around me. I'm the guy who is always smiling and joking, whatever the situation, the guy that is smart. He who can only write to if you needs help with something in school and no one likes to seem interesting enough to spend time with their free time. I've always been older mentally than I am, I have no problem socializing with people who are sometimes up to ten years older than I am, but when it comes to my peers, I'm the one considered strange. This whole situation is complicated for me by the fact that I am totally different person in school, when I walk around town and at home, but none of them is me. I'm no nerd, I'm not the one who never has anything to say, the one who is always happy, but that is still the one who gets to sit alone. Nobody knows who I am, I have built the one I am with lies, and lost my own idea of who I am on the road. Besides this, my situation is complicated by the fact that I am severely hearing-impaired and that I live in a completely hearing environment, I am always branded as "one who does not hear."
I have spent much of my childhood to hospital because of a variety of ailments that I have ever had. I never had felt completely healthy or comfortable with my body, is not the body covered by a rash, I feel too fat; this is one of the reasons that I avoid mirrors. I cannot stand to see myself; it's a stress I cannot handle.
In school, I have always been the outcast, the guy that nobody wants to hang out with. During a semester in the fourth grade, I became good friends with a guy who went to same school as me, but that was two years older, let's call him Tom. Tom and I were friends in this childishly naive way, by an unspoken pact, we were always together and were able during the time hardly be separated. Tom was also his very special, he was very violent when he became angry and would sometimes get hysterical outbreaks of things like, and for example, that someone borrowed a pencil eraser from him. In retrospect, I think I should have heard the warning signs he gave, but there was no one thought of there and then. I avoided the walk alone during the breaks.
Then came the summer holidays, and during a July day when Tom and I hung out so make up something that has shaped my life long after this event. One of the reasons that I choose to write just to TH rather than a similar page in my country is that I have never been able to formulate these words in my mother tongue, Tom raped me. Raped, that guy is something that goes against the norms that say that you have been exposed. It cannot really describe in words how I feel about this. I never told anyone, or I do not know, maybe I have screaming as loud as I could without shouting out straight.
I have over the years often injured myself on many different occasions, I have also on numerous occasions tried to kill myself, but I never succeed. It always ends with me sitting there and just cries. I cry and I cry more when I think of what I do. There's nothing like a guy should even consider doing?
Over the years passed, I went from having previously been the guy that nobody really saw that cease to exist for my classmates. I never had someone to hang out with, no one saw me, no one listened and I have stopped in that way, some form of trust towards other people in my environment. The fact that my classmates had meanwhile found out that I was easily frightened, and I always jump when it scared me in a certain way did not make my situation much better. The truth is that I'm not easily scared, every time someone touches me in that way it makes me suffer a flashback.
Today is my situation a little better, I have people I hang out with the breaks in school and I have a friend who I think I'm actually starting to rely on. But I find it really hard to relate to others, I always feel so stupid. No matter what I do, I think it is wrong. No one seems to want to hang out with me without looking them up. But the fact remains, who am I? I am not one of them I show myself as to others. I'm not the person sitting in the corner, something I, albeit on a small scale has begun to try to prove if I applied myself away from my home to various charitable organizations. And I do just to avoid having to keep the mask that is not me up there, not to push myself to meet to see so damn normal as I try to do me.
-- Only three things can make me sad, it's death, it's mirrors and everything else --
If you need help or want to talk, just send me a PM
Try and hang out with your classmates more. Have they ever told you that they don't want to hang out with you? if they did then just walk away and act like you don't have a care in the world. It must be in your mind thinking that they don't want to hang out with you. Be social to them like join in. It's natural to think and feel your a different person at school. You got to be sensible and your best behaviour at school so it is going to be different from home even i feel like a total different person at school like a different character. I'm shy, sensible, quite theres others that feel the same way. You have a friend you hang out with and you rely on so why say people don't want to hang out with you? Don't commit suicide suicide is never the answer to make your problems go away. You can be that person at school smart, smiling, joking. Why you not jokey, smiling at school? is it because your shy around teachers/students? If your not comfortable with your body it's always good to eat healthy and excercise allot. Your friend tom raped you? He doesn't sound like a nice person. Tell an adult about this and keep away from him as possbile. If you injured yourself or try anything that would harm you you will waste your life. People do want to hang out with you you just think they don't. I'll say be yourself at school as you can focus your exams join in the group and avoid tom by the way you might wanna tell a teacher/parents about this. There's nothing wrong in talking to people way older then you if you get along with these people then that's okay. First step join in with these boys or girls talk to them if your not ready to talk to them allot then just make one or two conversations if they ever talk to you answer back.