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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lion Heart Offline
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Name: Caite
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Cant help but be pissed that my ex is living our perfect life with his new gf - November 7th 2016, 09:18 AM

Hi,

I really really just need some where to rant this to, hopefully this is the right place. So I recognize that this isn't rational, but I cant help but feel a little disenfranchised. My ex and I were together for 4 1/2 years and I spent many of those years battling with his addiction and trying to get him to stay sober enough to focus on school and not get distracted. Doing this sucked up a huge amount of my emotional energy and I had to constantly deal with doubt and anxiety of whether or not he was lying to me (which he often was). I sacrificed a LOT of myself for him, I fell behind in school and likely missed a lot of opportunities because I truly, truly loved him. We shared so much in common and had wonderful times together. I really believed in us having a life together and didn't want to give up on that.

However eventually I couldn't wait any longer for him to get his act together and decided to move on. He refused to ever see a doctor despite having significant health problems and was getting wasted every night to the point of puking. Not only that but he had started doing cocaine which is extremely dangerous. Watching your significant other kill themselves lowly but surely is extremely difficult to do. Watching your significant other ignore your pleas to stop abusing drugs only to have them listen to the words of others who care not for their well being is extremely EXTREMELY frustrating.

At this point your probably thinking, wow, why in the world would you stay with him so long? Which to that I can only say that he was incredibly intelligent as well as incredibly kind and loving. I'd never been in a relationship were someone truly loved me before so this relationship was quite special. There was also the flip side which was that I was afraid he'd spiral down into a hard drug addiction if I did break up with him.

Anyways so we finally break up and he goes into some crazy drug stupor for three months and I'm finally able to really focus on myself and am able to achieve a couple of 4.0 quarters at university and finally have a gpa that I can feel solid about.

Anyways three months later he starts dating a new girl and she is innocent, kind, and intelligent. And I guess he decided to stop doing a crazy amount of drugs and damaging his body. She ends up moving away to university and he moves with her and now they are living together with a dog and have grand plans for the future. He is doing things with her that I had an extremely difficult time convincing him to do with me such as planning for the future, not doing drugs, saving money, and going back to school. Essentially, he is living my dream life that I worked so hard to achieve with him, with her instead. Anyways I'm just so of like... flabbergasted? Why is she magically worth it and I am not? After all of the effort and work I did to try to make a future work for us and try to help him with his addiction he is just magically perfect for this girl.

This isn't the only time this has happened to me, the guy I dated before him was extremely abusive emotionally and physically. I always argued with him to try to convince him that I didn't deserve it and that he shouldn't treat me that way until I finally broke up with him. After that he got a new girlfriend and guess what? He doesn't abuse her, they are still happily together.

I'm not really sure what is wrong with me, I battled these really difficult people to be in a relationship with and then they are ready to be mature and perfect in their next relationship.


"If you touch a spider web anywhere, you set the whole thing trembling. . . . As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference, or with hostility toward the people we meet, we too are setting the great spider web a-tremble. The life that I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place and time my touch will be felt. Our lives are linked. No person is an island."
   
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Re: Cant help but be pissed that my ex is living our perfect life with his new gf - November 9th 2016, 01:52 AM

Hi Caite,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I have been through the exact same situation so just know that you're not alone. It's always hard trying to take care of someone who is recovering from drugs or alcohol (self harm and eating disorders too) especially when you start putting yourself on the back burner. I have learned the hard way about putting yourself on the back burner when trying to help my ex recover. No matter how much you love them, you need to focus on yourself. You are more important and your health is the most important thing that you can take care of. I ran myself so far into the ground that when my ex and I had broken up I had to crawl slowly out of the hole. It took many years to get myself back together after that.

Cocaine is definitely a serious drug and it is very hard to stop. It is hard when the person doesn't listen to you when you're trying as hard as you can to help them stop. My friend once said a quote to me and I think it might be the perfect time to use it.

Quote:
You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink.
You had done everything you could to try and help him. I'm glad that you eventually realized that he wasn't willing to help himself and that you went to move on.

I'm never going to think why you stayed with him for so long. I completely understand that you had a vision of your future with him being sober etc. You wanted that dream to come true. Eventually you realized that your reality isn't a dream which is why you decided to leave him.

I'm glad that you've gotten your feet back on solid ground and are able to focus on yourself. You are more important than anything.

There is nothing wrong with you, some of us just get really bad luck. I've had my share of abusive relationships. Most of mine have been. Eventually you will find the right person, who loves you for you, who won't treat you bad.

I hope things can continue to get better. Let me know if you need anything else. You're always welcome to rant in the Why Me board!

Stay Strong
Brittany



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stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”


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Re: Cant help but be pissed that my ex is living our perfect life with his new gf - November 11th 2016, 08:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Brittany. View Post
Hi Caite,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I have been through the exact same situation so just know that you're not alone. It's always hard trying to take care of someone who is recovering from drugs or alcohol (self harm and eating disorders too) especially when you start putting yourself on the back burner. I have learned the hard way about putting yourself on the back burner when trying to help my ex recover. No matter how much you love them, you need to focus on yourself. You are more important and your health is the most important thing that you can take care of. I ran myself so far into the ground that when my ex and I had broken up I had to crawl slowly out of the hole. It took many years to get myself back together after that.

Cocaine is definitely a serious drug and it is very hard to stop. It is hard when the person doesn't listen to you when you're trying as hard as you can to help them stop. My friend once said a quote to me and I think it might be the perfect time to use it.



You had done everything you could to try and help him. I'm glad that you eventually realized that he wasn't willing to help himself and that you went to move on.

I'm never going to think why you stayed with him for so long. I completely understand that you had a vision of your future with him being sober etc. You wanted that dream to come true. Eventually you realized that your reality isn't a dream which is why you decided to leave him.

I'm glad that you've gotten your feet back on solid ground and are able to focus on yourself. You are more important than anything.

There is nothing wrong with you, some of us just get really bad luck. I've had my share of abusive relationships. Most of mine have been. Eventually you will find the right person, who loves you for you, who won't treat you bad.

I hope things can continue to get better. Let me know if you need anything else. You're always welcome to rant in the Why Me board!

Stay Strong
Brittany
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, hearing back from someone helps a lot.

I do sincerely hope he is really on a healthy productive path now and that he doesn't treat her the way he treated me. I know that it never would have worked out between us as there was no way I could have ever trusted him to not be lying to me and even if he had quit I'd be afraid of a relapse. I could have never had children with him for the fear that I would expose them to an alcoholic father. I know I made the right choice by leaving him and I am happy that he gets to start over with someone who isn't completely jaded by his past behaviors and who can actually trust him.

I think hearing that he found someone new and hearing that he is "happier than he has ever been" just made me realize that the one person who loved me more than anyone ever had before was no longer mine. Like after the break up there were months where I still felt that security blanket of being loved. I could tell that he still felt for me and really cared about me. I haven't had to face the idea of no longer being really loved by him despite that we weren't together until now. I've never had to question how he felt about me or if my memory had been tarnished.

It's really weird because I almost feel like this is part of the break up process, which is weird because the break up officially happened 2 years ago. The break up process started at least a year before the actual break up occurred, which means we've been actively interlocked in this process for the past 3 years. It's just crazy to think about how long it can take these things to run their course.


"If you touch a spider web anywhere, you set the whole thing trembling. . . . As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference, or with hostility toward the people we meet, we too are setting the great spider web a-tremble. The life that I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place and time my touch will be felt. Our lives are linked. No person is an island."
   
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.Brittany. Offline
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Re: Cant help but be pissed that my ex is living our perfect life with his new gf - November 12th 2016, 06:38 PM

Hi Caite,

The way I see it is that things sometimes doesn't turn out the way you want it to, and that's okay. Things happen for a reason. I know how hard it is to grow up with family who are alcoholics. It's tough and you always are concerned about if you will wake up one morning and they are really sick or need a liver transplant (like my friend's dad).

Maybe he is happier than he was with you. It might be because maybe she encourages his bad behaviours. However, you're going to be much happier now then you were with him because you can finally focus on yourself, your life, and your health. That's a huge thing. You don't need someone dragging you down.

It will be hard to move on as most relationships are. Try and focus on the positive things in your life.

I hope you're okay!
Brittany



“You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”


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