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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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Clarent Offline
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Name: L.
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Location: Poland, EU

Posts: 432
Join Date: December 27th 2013

Howl loudly, my resentment. - November 12th 2017, 01:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

TW : might be some harsh words or something. I'm a cynical asshole by nature.




I can't have a single bloody day where my mind isn't trying to destroy itself. No matter how calm, the anxiety's always there, and something to trigger it always comes up.

Haven't paid this month's installment of my loan. Why? Not a bloody clue. It's supposed to automatically deduct a sum when it's time, but for some reason this month it didn't do it. The one for December seems scheduled correctly, but this month's isn't even present in payment history...

I'll go and explain this crap tomorrow. Doubt they'll chew my ass for one day of delay. Not that it was my fault, money was present on my accout two days before the scheduled payment, so yeah.

Even reasonably knowing I'll propably be able to easily solve it, my brain goes into complete panic. And it's like this EVERY TIME even a slightest deviation from norm happens, no matter what it's related to.

Money's shit, family situation is shit, I might lose my job soon (been searching for a new one for a while now, but with my education level it's a bit tough - I'm propably not in the worst possible situation but I'm hardly the best candidate).

Said loan is draining me heavily. Shouldn't have bought a car I won't be able to reasonably afford, but on the other hand, at least it doesn't require super heavy extensive repairs, aside from regular maintenance (might have to replace a turbocharger, but that'll have to wait). Dude I bought it from promised he'll throw in free winter tires as well, but so far it doesn't look like that's happening. He offered me almost brand new ones, but I'd have to pay for them (granted, the price was quite reasonable, but it was a solid drain on my finances nonetheless), and fuck me raw if I'm gonna do that. Free shit was promised, so free shit will be expected.

Family situation is as crap as it's always been. My parents are completely useless as parental figures at this point and just don't work as role models. I've known this for a while now, but I weep for my little brother's future. Doesn't seem like either of them has learned anything from their mistakes with me (thanks for the borderline personality disorder, mom, sure is helpful). It's a family of egos at this point. Nothing more than that. And nobody gives a shit anymore, and it's just... it's honestly sad at this point. We were never very tightly bonded as a family, but what's happened to us now is nothing short of pitiful.

And I can't move out right now. Simply can't afford it. And likely it'll stay that way for at the absolute least another year or two. And that's pretty fucking bad.



So I'm poor, pissed off, lonely, constantly stressed out, burned out at work, yet at the same time well aware of how unnecessary somebody like me is on the job market. My education years were wasted, cause my parents were worthless and the constant stress caused by their fights (yeah, physical fights included there, albeit not common, they were there) made me completely incapable of focusing on studying.

Shitty relationships at that time didn't help either.

And I've got no bloody idea what to do with my life. No plan, no real goal, nothing at all.

And I'm fucking horrified because of that.

Not really looking for any tips or suggestions, just throwing up small parts of the constantly stacking up pain.


-------------------------

Bonus points to whoever understands where the name of this thread comes from


The risk I took was calculated, but boy, am I bad at math.
   
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