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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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I can't do this - December 9th 2017, 04:47 PM

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I've just been a total wreck lately and I know I haven't posted here in ages but honestly, I have no one else to vent to. Everyone just treats it as a joke or like I'm some freak because yes, I am in love with a girl and believe it or not it's exactly the same as loving a guy. Crazy, isn't it? But now she's moved away, she's gone. She's overseas on vacation right now and then straight into the Navy. I haven't even been able to text her for almost a week. And yeah, it doesn't sound like a big deal but guess what? That's four years that she'll be four hours, two states away from me. And God knows where she'll be after that. She's supposed to be living at the naval base but who's to say she won't be shipped off to some war-torn country, it's not like her life means anything to them anyway. I just don't understand why she had to do it. And damn it, she kept saying that she misses me and that she wishes she could see me and I say it's okay and we'll work something out but I'm talking bullshit. I'm saying that but I have no idea about the future, I just don't want her to worry, I want her to think someone has control over the situation. And what really fucking hurts is the last message I sent her, asking her if we could be official…if it could just be me and her exclusively instead of us being more than friends but not quite lovers because at least then I could get the slightest piece of mind. But like I said, our internet connection sucks so I don't even know if she got it. Maybe it sounds awful but I don't care at this point, part of me is scared of her going into in the Navy and meeting some guy because there's going to be so many guys and she'll just forget about me and what we had. I mean, how would I ever know if she cheated anyway? I won't. That's the thing.

But that's not all obviously. Nearly every night now, I lie in bed crying and it just fucking hurts so much. Do you know why? Because every night, when I'm lying in bed, all the memories of our time together runs through my head. I remember sneaking out of camp with her, blowing bubbles with a bubble wand so she could chase and pop them, giving her a drawing and watching her face light up, walking to class with her, making her laugh, her leaning on my shoulder at the cinema. And then I think of all the times I could've talked to her but I was just too damn nervous. I had three years with her and I blew so many chances. Maybe if I could've just turned back time, I don't know, maybe she would've even have to join the Navy. Maybe I could've just changed her mind. And I know it's going to be a long, long time before I see her smile or hear her voice or get to just hold her again. I'd kill for a text right now.

And I just can't do this anymore. I mean, I can't do anything. I can't do anything without thinking of her, I'm so scared of losing her that maybe I just don't want to forget for a second. But I'm just losing my mind. The first night she was gone, I had a panic attack, my first one in months. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like. Not only that, I just want to cut myself so badly. But I don't, mainly because I have an appointment with a dermatologist next Wednesday and I can't let her see that I'm cutting. But you just have no idea how badly I want it.

I just can't talk to anyone. My friends don't think she's any good for some reason. They never liked her. And that first night, when I was bawling my eyes out and on the verge of a panic attack, I messaged my so-called "best friend" because I thought she would support me. She said she'd always support me but honestly, she was just such a bitch about it. I don't even want to talk about it right now but I hate her. She's such a shitty friend, she was even before all this happened and the only reason I stick around is because I can't find anyone else. I literally don't even know how I'd find other friends. And yeah, I can't tell my mom because she doesn't like me talking about being gay. So I've canceled all plans to go out and that's it, I'm basically dedicated to being a recluse right now and I'm not even joking. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to do anything anymore. Seriously, it's been five fucking days since she left and I can't even function anymore. I thought I could handle this but I just don't think I can. how am I supposed to do this for four years?
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Re: I can't do this - December 10th 2017, 07:42 AM

I guess I'll be okay for now, I'm going to ask one of my friends to buy me some marijuana so I can forget about it and I'll be able to cut myself again soon
I just can't for now because I'm seeing a dermatologist on Wednesday and it'll look bad if she sees cuts on me
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Re: I can't do this - December 22nd 2017, 02:04 PM

Hey. I'm sorry about your girlfriend. That must really suck to go through. There's no easy way to cope with someone you love going into the military. You just have to trust that she'll come back. It's all we can do really, hope. I'm here if you need to talk about anything. Just hold on tight. I'm not gonna pretend it'll be easy, but you will get through this. For what it's worth, I hope she comes back to you.
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