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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rivière Offline
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Another whine thread - February 4th 2019, 10:10 AM

Yet another whine thread from me. Everyone is probably sick of these by now.

So a couple weeks ago, the guy I've been seeing messaged me saying that he loves me and blah blah, but he feels suicidal because his dissertation is making him have those thoughts and he needs to cut off emotion so he can focus on his dissertation. Although I responded with understanding, I also wanted to tell him how I've been feeling. He's neglected me so hard. Only ever messages when he wants something. Cuts the conversation when I try and start talking to him. Dumps all his problems on me, but when I tried to talk to him about mine, 'Poor u' and 'things will get better'. Like... thanks? I've supported him through so many things, even helped him with his work by giving him answers and all sorts.

When I tried to tell him about how I was feeling those 2 weeks ago, his only reply to me was, 'I don't need this right now'. He was quite happy to continue dumping his issues on me and cut off being together, but wasn't prepared to listen to me or be there when I needed him. It really hurt.

During the hour-long messaging conversation, 3/4 through he said to me that I was complicating things, despite the fact all I was doing way stating how I was feeling, and he was the one who would reply to messages I sent earlier on rather than letting things go. He kept justifying every little thing he did all the time. And even went as far as saying that we were wasting time by spending an hour having an 'argument'. I was so confused.

Ever since that day I've had a huge hole inside of me and I don't know how to fix it. I talked to a friend about everything that happened and she's angry with the guy for his behaviour and was surprised because he always seemed so nice.

Every night I struggle to sleep because I can't tell him how I feel. I can't rely on the one person I thought I could rely on the most. It hurts so much. Not only to be told that he wants to cut emotion, so basically not have feelings for me anymore, but also that I was apparently at fault for just trying to express how I felt. I feel so hurt and used.

I can't sleep, and when I do, he fills my dreams. Yesterday I would wake up and doze off so many times, but when I did, each time I dozed off he was in my dreams. Every single time. I feel like I can't get away. I can't escape him.

I can't talk to him because he just doesn't want to listen. It only pushes him further away because I'm not giving him what he wants.

I get that he's stressed, but pushing me away surely isn't the right way. I've given him what he wants. I've left him be. I don't even message him anymore except to say I'm leaving at X time for lectures as we would meet up. I barely talk to him during lectures. Spend time working through problems together. I get that he needs to work on his dissertation and it's something he has to do alone which is fine, but I felt so hurt when I was essentially blamed for just expressing how I was feeling, and he claimed I was 'trying to make him feel guilty'. I wasn't. I could have said a whole lot more if I did.

My friend suggested that I really need to get away from him, I mean, he's leaving after graduation anyway and said I may as well just go through the hurt now rather than later. Which I feel she's right about. However dealing with this pain has been so hard. My sleep is being stolen from me. I keep getting chest pains from the stress. I'm feeling so hurt by him but I can't say anything.


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Re: Another whine thread - February 4th 2019, 11:08 PM

Hey Sarah,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through right now. I agree that it would probably be better to get away from him, as it really sounds like this is taking a huge toll on your health and well-being. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and used after the way you've been treated - you definitely don't deserve that. It sounds like you've given him so much and he isn't reciprocating.

Is there someone who can help you get out from under this guy? I know your friend is supportive. Do you have other people who can help support you through this? If you do decide to cut ties with this guy, do you have a plan for how you would want to do it? The important thing is that you feel safe and supported in the process. I also want to say that this is absolutely not your fault, regardless of what he might be saying.

Where he doesn't seem to be open to listening, it might be best to just be upfront and tell him, firmly and clearly, that you are ending the relationship. You don't have to explain or go into detail, which it seems like he might not want anyway. Even if he does ask for an explanation, you don't have to explain it to him again seeing as you've already expressed your feelings to him before.

Please take care of yourself. It sounds like you're in such a difficult place right now and it's important not to sacrifice your health. I wish you the best of luck! Also, it is totally okay to vent here - don't ever worry about that!

I will be thinking of you!

Last edited by Recommencer; February 7th 2019 at 10:29 AM.
   
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Re: Another whine thread - February 6th 2019, 01:32 AM

Hello Sarah,
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this right now and hope that you will be on soon.

When someone is treating you like this, it is not okay and they should let you help them out when they are having a hard time with something. Would you be able to write down all that has been happening and then give it to him to read when he is home. Then at the end of the letter ask for you both to talk about this. You can put everything in this that you have been feeling and what's going on and why it makes you feel like this. If he does not let you talk about this then can you try and get away from him, so that you are not seeing him. Would you be able to call a friend or family member or neighbor that you like and trust to help you out for a while and let you stay with them so you are okay, also not feeling like this anymore.

You should be able to go to sleep every night no matter what and not have to worry about this or anything else that is happening. When you are having a hard time sleeping can you try to get some tea to help calm you down so that you can sleep, or take a bath to help relax you or can you try calling a friend, or reading or drawing or movie to help until you are sleeping.

Sometimes when we are trying to talk to someone and when they don't listen to us it is really hard and we get upset, when this happens try to stay calm if you can ans try to write down or if you can have someone else talk to him for you so that hopefully he will get it and then you will be okay and you will not have to be with him anymore. You want to be with someone who is always helping you out no matter what and is always going to treat you very kind and will never be hurtful. They are going to listen to you when you talk and you can both talk about anything else that is going on. I hope that you will be okay soon. Hugs.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Another whine thread - February 9th 2019, 10:31 AM

In the past I've tried to talk to him about his behaviour. Even during that hour-long conversation, I said right from the beginning that he often brushes things under the carpet or dashes off every time I try to talk first (over messages) and he said that he didn't realise and doesn't brush things under the carpet. But then continued to say how he 'didn't need this right now'. Perhaps my interpretations are poor, but it looks a lot like he didn't want to deal with the situation and thus, was brushing it under the carpet.

Every time I try to have a discussion with him about anything, it's like I'm talking to an angry child. He won't see reason and will think I'm attacking him. He's always on the defencive. During that conversation we'd had, instead of just letting me speak my feelings, he constantly had to justify his actions. It got to the point where his justifications were the very thing he said I was complicating things over. He was the one continuing the conversation where it didn't need to be. All he had to do was just acknowledge how I felt, but instead he just kept putting up a wall.

In the past I'd try and reflect on why he might be like this, but the only conclusion I can make, due to his background and history, (he has had a relatively stress-free life and comes from a family with a lot of money) he's used to getting everything he wants. So when I start saying something he doesn't like or isn't used to, he kicks up a fuss and starts blaming others.

It's not really possible for me to get a friend or a family member to talk to him because I'm living away at university. He and I both live in different parts of the city and we usually meet up to walk to lectures. It's currently at the point where we no longer spend time together beyond that of lectures, and/or walking to/from them.

I'm at a point where I feel it's best that I distance myself from him, and have done so. Lately he'll occasionally try to be affectionate, but it's always been on his terms. I'm tired of everything being on his terms. I feel as if I'm just a convenience item for him, and that he comes to try and be near me and talk to me when he needs a 'pick me up' mood boost.... but logically had he not sent any of those messages to begin with, and just listened to me and acknowledged how I was feeling, none of this would have happened between us.

I'm struggling to sort out how I really feel for him. I know I do still care for him, I do still have feelings for him because some thoughts like him being with someone else really hurt me, but at the same time, the majority of it is overshadowed by how hurt, angry and bitter I feel.

Last semester he would slack off from work. Ask me to call/text him to wake him up, push him to do his work and help motivate him. I didn't have to but I did so because I loved him. He would go off to volleyball training (for fun, not to compete) for two hours at a time, 2-3 days a week, and then would complain about how he's behind with work, how he's going to fail X module and blah blah. Me being me I took time out of my schedule to help him. But now again, he's decided to cut me out because he's behind with his dissertation. If he hadn't slacked off last semester and put effort into his work, he would have been ok... but what annoys me most about the situation is that he's quite happy to put effort into his work now. Why couldn't he have before? Or in second year? Or first year? Why suddenly decide to put effort into work? It was like he knew I'd give him the work and do a lot of it for him so why bother doing it himself. I feel so used.

I've distanced myself from him a lot more now because of everything that's happened. The more that I do, the more I realise my friend was right. He really is narcissistic and self-centred. I loved him so much I never saw it but now I do. I'm looking forward to university being over soon, then I will never have to see him again.


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Re: Another whine thread - February 9th 2019, 04:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivière View Post
In the past I've tried to talk to him about his behaviour. Even during that hour-long conversation, I said right from the beginning that he often brushes things under the carpet or dashes off every time I try to talk first (over messages) and he said that he didn't realise and doesn't brush things under the carpet. But then continued to say how he 'didn't need this right now'. Perhaps my interpretations are poor, but it looks a lot like he didn't want to deal with the situation and thus, was brushing it under the carpet.

Every time I try to have a discussion with him about anything, it's like I'm talking to an angry child. He won't see reason and will think I'm attacking him. He's always on the defencive. During that conversation we'd had, instead of just letting me speak my feelings, he constantly had to justify his actions. It got to the point where his justifications were the very thing he said I was complicating things over. He was the one continuing the conversation where it didn't need to be. All he had to do was just acknowledge how I felt, but instead he just kept putting up a wall.

In the past I'd try and reflect on why he might be like this, but the only conclusion I can make, due to his background and history, (he has had a relatively stress-free life and comes from a family with a lot of money) he's used to getting everything he wants. So when I start saying something he doesn't like or isn't used to, he kicks up a fuss and starts blaming others.

It's not really possible for me to get a friend or a family member to talk to him because I'm living away at university. He and I both live in different parts of the city and we usually meet up to walk to lectures. It's currently at the point where we no longer spend time together beyond that of lectures, and/or walking to/from them.

I'm at a point where I feel it's best that I distance myself from him, and have done so. Lately he'll occasionally try to be affectionate, but it's always been on his terms. I'm tired of everything being on his terms. I feel as if I'm just a convenience item for him, and that he comes to try and be near me and talk to me when he needs a 'pick me up' mood boost.... but logically had he not sent any of those messages to begin with, and just listened to me and acknowledged how I was feeling, none of this would have happened between us.

I'm struggling to sort out how I really feel for him. I know I do still care for him, I do still have feelings for him because some thoughts like him being with someone else really hurt me, but at the same time, the majority of it is overshadowed by how hurt, angry and bitter I feel.

Last semester he would slack off from work. Ask me to call/text him to wake him up, push him to do his work and help motivate him. I didn't have to but I did so because I loved him. He would go off to volleyball training (for fun, not to compete) for two hours at a time, 2-3 days a week, and then would complain about how he's behind with work, how he's going to fail X module and blah blah. Me being me I took time out of my schedule to help him. But now again, he's decided to cut me out because he's behind with his dissertation. If he hadn't slacked off last semester and put effort into his work, he would have been ok... but what annoys me most about the situation is that he's quite happy to put effort into his work now. Why couldn't he have before? Or in second year? Or first year? Why suddenly decide to put effort into work? It was like he knew I'd give him the work and do a lot of it for him so why bother doing it himself. I feel so used.

I've distanced myself from him a lot more now because of everything that's happened. The more that I do, the more I realise my friend was right. He really is narcissistic and self-centred. I loved him so much I never saw it but now I do. I'm looking forward to university being over soon, then I will never have to see him again.

Hey Sarah sounds like a lot of added on stress that you do not need. When we first start talking to people we get to know them and sometimes when we get to know them and they are going through something tough it is the right thing to want to help him.

His actions tell me that he does not want your help. He is contacting you out of convenience. And I don't see how any of it is right. When we do love someone I have noticed we ignore the red flags because we were told at a young age that everybody has flaws. But you see there is a difference between little flaws and big flaws.

It is hard to let go of someone after you spent so much time with them. I was with a man for nine months and he was self centered, a taker, and never worked hard in his life. He barely saw his own child and even told me himself he wanted to put the kid up for adoption. I don't know why I stayed with him for as long as I did when there was plenty of red flags in the beginning but I am much happier without him.

I thought I really loved him but there is a basis to love and certain boundaries you just do not cross. It helps to set up a list of what you think love is and how you should be treated. I'm sorry you had to go through all this hurt but going separate ways seems to be the wise thing to do. Give your time to be single and be fickle. (:

If you ever want to talk my inbox is always open. Take Care!
   
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Re: Another whine thread - February 10th 2019, 10:37 PM

Thank you for what you said, I appreciate it.

He is the first person I have ever truly loved. Normally I am the kind of person that doesn't admit their feelings for someone unless they do so with me first. This way I avoid any complications or hurt. However, last year at the end of March, I invited him to a party (we were just friends at the time) and I was extremely drunk. I'd had far more than he did because I was already drinking beforehand as I was drinking with friends as we were setting everything up. The party was in my halls flat, and he needed to use the bathroom so I brought him to my room (I have an en-suite bathroom) and we both used the facilities one after the other. He then stood chatting to me for about a couple of minutes when he started asking me about the necklace I was wearing and then leaned to kiss me. I was so drunk that I ended up kissing him back.

He admitted to me that he 'wanted me so bad' and I said to him that I really liked him. As I was so drunk, and he was clearly 'ready to go' if you know what I mean. I panicked and in fear of anything happening between us (there are a lot of reasons) I had to get him to stop and said we should go back to the party. Thankfully it went ok. This was how things started between us.

Originally I didn't want anything to happen (again, for many reasons) but eventually we ended up getting together just 4 days after I returned from the Easter break. At first we agreed for it to be friends with benefits, but shortly before he was leaving to go on holiday for the summer break, we ended up admitting that we were in love with one another.

It felt really good to me at the time. I was so happy to feel so loved and was really, really so far in love with him that the 3 1/2 month break, for the first month I suffered terrible love sickness because all I could think of was him and how much I missed him.

Looking back, I realise he took advantage of me. I was drunk. Luckily not drunk enough that I couldn't resist and was fortunate enough to have ended up telling a friend we'd kissed that same night it happened. There were so many red flags even during the Easter break, like him saying I 'looked like his ex-girlfriend' and showed me a picture of her which looked nothing like me. When I disagreed and said I wasn't sure if I was ok being compared to some girl he ditched, he started twisting things around saying that English isn't his first language and blah blah. Again I didn't think much on these things but I did keep them in mind.

The signs have been there the whole time about what kind of person he is. Even in our second year of university, he slacked off so much. Even when we were just friends I would be there thinking I was doing the 'good friend thing' by calling him in the mornings to get him up for 9 AM lectures, help him out with his work. When it came time for us to do pair work I did the whole assignment by myself because I felt like I was doing this great thing for him. Looking back, I've been used by him so much even as a friend, and I never saw it.

You are right that he contacts me out of convenience. When he said to me he wanted emotional space a few weeks back to focus on his dissertation, I backed off completely (mostly because of how hurt I've felt about what he said and his behaviour)... but last week he kissed me when we were alone before a lab session started, and even on Friday when I sat one space away from him in a lecture, he quietly says to me, 'You're too far'. I knew what it meant because he's said it many times in the past. He meant that he wanted me to sit right next to him, probably so he could touch me and be affectionate.

He clearly doesn't know what he wants. And if he does, he wants me when it's convenient for him. He is so oblivious to how I feel, or how he affects me, yet if I discuss any of it with him he will always find something to counter it with. I cannot win.


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Re: Another whine thread - February 11th 2019, 02:39 PM

He sounds like a piece of work. Its always bitter sweet when we realize all of this. Maybe work on getting away from him in class and if he asks tell him change is good. Give him a taste of his own medicine. You got it girl just have to not be so nice to him even if you feel bad about it. (: Hang in there moving on is harder than it seems.
   
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