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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Skye16 Offline
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Being compared - January 12th 2021, 08:25 AM

"in three words, I can sum up everything I've learnt about life. It goes on"

Being compared is one of the worst feelings. It is something many people have to go through from time to time. Sometimes society compares you with someone else, sometimes parents, sometimes we ourselves compare oneself to others.

I've been compared to multiple people on a daily basis by my parents. They have compared me to my sister and my friends. They always find something to look down on me, to prove that I'm not good enough. They have made it clear multiple times that they are ashamed of me.

The last exam I had was my 10th finals and I received 97.2%. Like any other child I hoped my parents would be happy but they weren't just because my sister got 98.2% in her 10th finals. They always compare me with her in the fields she is better in not in which I'm better. It is just one incident but I'm being compared to others in everything I do. It saddens me to great depth. It makes me feel that no matter how hard I try I'll always be a failure.

Everyone should know that they are enough the way they are. They shouldn't change themselves in order to be accepted. If people refuse to accept them for themselves then they don't deserve you. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be good. Draw stick figures, sing off key, write bad poems, run slowly, play video games at easy. You do not need to be good at something to enjoy it. Talent is overrated. Do things you like doing. Don't change yourself to become someone you are compared from.
   
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Rivière Offline
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Re: Being compared - January 12th 2021, 10:00 AM

What you've said is quite true, and remarkably so.

I often get compared with my brother. When I was younger, he was always doing X thing better. I was being lazy. I was doing this wrong. I was doing this differently to him. My family preferred Y thing he did over me. Now, with my family dynamic changed, it's the opposite. However it's in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. My mother compares me with him, 'I wish your brother was more like you' 'I wish your brother behaved like that'. The problem with comparisons, especially by parents, is that they have no idea how damaging they can be, regardless of what's said.

Comparisons between family especially, are often made as the parent wants to see their ideal child. They want the perfect child. They want the better child than somebody else's child. They compare their child to someone else's child. So if their child doesn't do as well as they had wanted, sometimes they can push them down and make them feel belittled, ashamed, treated like a failure. They try to use such words to make their child do better in certain fields of work. However their behaviour is damaging and only makes the child perform worse.

You're right in what you say. We don't have to be perfect. We should do what we enjoy doing. I think it's natural that we want to make our parents happy and pleased with us. I know I often do things to gain approval from my mother, though less so these days. I realised some time ago that we can never truly make a person happy with us. They're always going to find some way to put us down or be displeased with us. As that saying goes, you do you.


Life is for living, not for losing.
   
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Being compared - January 12th 2021, 10:16 AM

Hey Skye,

Thank you for what you wrote, I really think the last paragraph is so important and something you should try to remind yourself of too. Being good at something is always a bonus, but if you're happy and enjoying yourself, that's even better in my eyes.

Comparisons make it hard to do that so what you've said about feeling a failure makes total sense, however you're not a failure. Everyone is different; we all learn at different rates, pick some things up easier than others, and struggle in many areas. That's all a part of being human. Your score on the exam was still insanely good, and you should be so so proud of achieving that. I think parents sometimes forget the impact of how they react to things like this. They might think it's a way to spur you on to do better but in reality it's so demotivating when you've tried so hard, done SO well, and it still feels like it isn't enough. Do you feel like maybe this is something you could discuss with them? If so, a conversation about the reality of their reactions might help them see that what they're doing can be very harmful and actually have the opposite effect to what they might be hoping for.

Otherwise, try to reassure yourself that everything you're doing is enough. Easier said than done, I know, but self-reassurance can be really powerful too. If you've tried, then you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. If you've tried, you haven't failed. If you're achieving 98%, 97%, ot 37%, as long as you've put work in, and you've done your best, you're on the right tracks. Nobody is perfect and there's improvements that can be made to everyone, but try to remind yourself as often as you can of the words you said at the end of your post because that's advice everyone needs to hear at times.

Congratulations again on your amazing result - you did really well! I hope you're holding up okay



A paradox:
The things you don’t need to live—
books, art, cinema, wine, and so on—
are the things you need to live
.

- Matt Haig



VM|PM
   
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Skye16 Offline
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Re: Being compared - January 12th 2021, 12:55 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivière View Post
What you've said is quite true, and remarkably so.

I often get compared with my brother. When I was younger, he was always doing X thing better. I was being lazy. I was doing this wrong. I was doing this differently to him. My family preferred Y thing he did over me. Now, with my family dynamic changed, it's the opposite. However it's in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. My mother compares me with him, 'I wish your brother was more like you' 'I wish your brother behaved like that'. The problem with comparisons, especially by parents, is that they have no idea how damaging they can be, regardless of what's said.

Comparisons between family especially, are often made as the parent wants to see their ideal child. They want the perfect child. They want the better child than somebody else's child. They compare their child to someone else's child. So if their child doesn't do as well as they had wanted, sometimes they can push them down and make them feel belittled, ashamed, treated like a failure. They try to use such words to make their child do better in certain fields of work. However their behaviour is damaging and only makes the child perform worse.

You're right in what you say. We don't have to be perfect. We should do what we enjoy doing. I think it's natural that we want to make our parents happy and pleased with us. I know I often do things to gain approval from my mother, though less so these days. I realised some time ago that we can never truly make a person happy with us. They're always going to find some way to put us down or be displeased with us. As that saying goes, you do you.
I don't know how I will feel if my sister would be the one compared from me but I'm sure it won't be a good feeling. Even if I'm better at something I'll rather not have anyone being compared to me because they are not good at that particular thing. Everyone cannot be good at everything.

Yes they probably compare me to others to better me but it does the opposite effect. It makes me feel I'm not good enough. Parents should be careful with words towards their child otherwise things will go the exact opposite of what they want.

That true. We can never make a person fully happy. We cannot even make ourselves fully happy. We are humans, we have high expectations. But sometimes we should just stop, take a breath and appreciate all that we are are.
   
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Skye16 Offline
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Re: Being compared - January 12th 2021, 01:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Everglow. View Post
Hey Skye,

Thank you for what you wrote, I really think the last paragraph is so important and something you should try to remind yourself of too. Being good at something is always a bonus, but if you're happy and enjoying yourself, that's even better in my eyes.

Comparisons make it hard to do that so what you've said about feeling a failure makes total sense, however you're not a failure. Everyone is different; we all learn at different rates, pick some things up easier than others, and struggle in many areas. That's all a part of being human. Your score on the exam was still insanely good, and you should be so so proud of achieving that. I think parents sometimes forget the impact of how they react to things like this. They might think it's a way to spur you on to do better but in reality it's so demotivating when you've tried so hard, done SO well, and it still feels like it isn't enough. Do you feel like maybe this is something you could discuss with them? If so, a conversation about the reality of their reactions might help them see that what they're doing can be very harmful and actually have the opposite effect to what they might be hoping for.

Otherwise, try to reassure yourself that everything you're doing is enough. Easier said than done, I know, but self-reassurance can be really powerful too. If you've tried, then you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. If you've tried, you haven't failed. If you're achieving 98%, 97%, ot 37%, as long as you've put work in, and you've done your best, you're on the right tracks. Nobody is perfect and there's improvements that can be made to everyone, but try to remind yourself as often as you can of the words you said at the end of your post because that's advice everyone needs to hear at times.

Congratulations again on your amazing result - you did really well! I hope you're holding up okay
Thank you for your kind words. Yes I'm proud of myself because my scores were better than I expected. But my parents always keep pushing too hard without realising that I'm already at my limit. I've tried to talk about all my issues including being compared to them multiple times but every time they either brush it off or tell me that I'm been a ungrateful and spoiled child. They DO NOT like to listen at all.

Reassuring myself is the only thing I can do because at last when everyone leaves I'm the only one there for myself. But no matter how much I reassure myself, no matter how many times I've reminded myself that I'm good enough, everyone's word of hatred find a way back to me. Words are like ever lasting wounds. We think it'll heal with time but sometimes it just doesn't. These wounds always leave scars.

Right now I'm holding okay. Things aren't that bad afterall, it could have been worse.
   
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Being compared - January 13th 2021, 08:57 AM

This is so true. We will always be compared.


   
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