Someone please talk to me....

[missinyou]

I'm so full of emotions right now, happy, mad, sad.

My dad died almost three years ago, the three year anniversary is next week Wednesday. I feel so left out, I'm like one of the only people in my school who only has one parent. And it really feels like my mom isn't my mom, she never talks to me or anything. I feel like she hates me since she is always yelling at me. It is partially my fault because I never had a good relationship with her, but she blames everything on me and I feel so unloved.

My ex step dad was going to rape me and I just can't get my mind off of what a jerk he is.

My best friend isn't talking to me because I told him that I started liking him. Which he liked me off and on since January and we were talking about getting serious, but when I told him that I wanted a relationship, he shut me out of his life.

I want to go away from my house, out of the state! My aunt and cousin are in town from Delaware, I live in Michigan, and she offered to let me stay with them for a week or two. My mom says she is considering letting me go, but I doubt it. I want to get away from my house, this drama, to think about my life and all the things I wish I could do.

I hate my life and I'm going back to where I was 6 months ago, alone and depressed. I was a cutter 4 months ago and I haven't cut since then, but I have these HORRIBLE urges! I have tried the alternatives, but none seem to be working or my mom catches on and yells at me.

Nobody has time for me, I sit all alone all summer long. I feel so alone and unloved. I miss my dad and my best friend!!!! I want a normal life!!!!

Sorry that this is so long....

[Dasha]

Hey Stephanie, I'm sorry life is sucking for you right now. But you shouldn't feel left out, even if you are the only kid with one parent in your school, there are many, many more who have lost either one or both parents and

I know what it feels like to want to leave! I feel like packing up and walking out all the time, like getting away will just make everything better. But in reality, there will always be Someone that you clash with wherever you are. Ask your mother if you can join a Boys and Girls Club, YMCA or other club in your area that you can hang out with other people your age away from the stresses of school.
I'm really, really sorry about your best friend, but maybe in time things will get better, and if not this is the perfect chance for making new friends and trying to meet new people.
What about summer camp as well? If you or your mother can't or wont pay for it there are always scholarships.

Also, remember your never alone, there will always be someone there for you if you let them be.
What is normal? Everyone seems to want a normal life, but I don't know of a "normal" life worth having.

Last off, remember that if you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a message. Whether you wanna rant about your day, or blame me for your teacher being rude, I'm always here to chat.

[*Jen*]

Hey Stephanie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. It is so much to cope on your own with so I am so glad that you posted this! You deserve support and should never have to go through any of this alone so always remember that someone will always listen here.

It seems like you are really muddled up and have so much going on and so many emotions going around your head. It can really help when you feel like that to write everything down that is going through your head or talk about it with someone. That can help to get it all out rather than bottling it all up, which will only make you feel worse.

I am so sorry that you have lost your dad. I know you might think you are the only one with one parent but the reality is many families split up so there is more than likely to be other people at your school with one parent looking after them. You might not realise it though because it isn't something people just bring up in conversation. I can relate somewhat to how you feel because I have lost my mum. It is such a horrible thing to go through but I think your dad would be proud of you for keeping going and not giving up. I always find aniversarys especially difficult days to get through because it does bring up all sorts of emotions. So if you need someone to listen or rant at then I am always here for you during that day. You could try doing something special to remember your dad that day.

Considering how much you are going through right now, I think you have done fantastic to have not cut in 4 months! That is such an achievement and although you still get the urges to self harm you manage to fight them. I think deep down Stephanie you are strong and a fighter to have got this far. Just think once you start self harming again it will become addictive and one cut will turn into another. It really isn't worth it so try to keep hanging on. Do you know what it is that helps you get through the urges? It might help to identify what has helped you get this far so you can see what can help you now.

If you ever need anything then you are more than welcome to PM me. Stay strong and don't give up because you are worth it :-)

[missinyou]

Thanks guys.
Dasha, I'm so busy this summer with volunteering and vacations, that I won't have time to make new friends at a summer camp or some club. But that is okay.
And Jen, I'm sorry about your mom. It is tough. I think that what helps me through the urges are:
The thoughts of what would my dad say.
My friends.
And some alternatives that help me are the butterfly and rubberband one, so I do that a lot.