I must be a horrible person

[BlueWolf]

I am so sick of everything! I hate the situation that I am in, and it doesn't seem like it's going to improve. Of course my mom just tells me how lucky I am. I am sooo lucky. Yeah, right. Think of all the people who don't have a place to live! Uuhhhh that's going to be us in a month.

So my mom gets pissed at me easily when I even mention money matters. I can't help it that I just had to go to the ER. Next time I'll just stop my heart, would that be fucking better? So I NEVER ask her for money, but she somehow says I expect to get it for things like my medicine. So she starts giving me an attitude. Seriously? I never asked for anything. I don't expect anything either! I get it, she can't help me. I understand I have to sell off my stuff and live in my car soon. I'll pretend that I'm just camping.

I am so sick of her shit! Then, when I try to go off somewhere she has to bitch and ask a million questions. I'm turning 20 in less than a month and she tries to control everything. Since when does a 20 year old have to be home before dark??

So my grandparents offered to help out with some of my medical expenses, and guess what? My mom gets pissed. At who? ME! I did NOT say anything to them about the expenses, only that I was sick. How else would they know where I was instead of catching the flight to see them that day? SORRY!!!!! Geez, I must be soooo awful! And why on earth is she even getting pissed if they are trying to help? Then she says how my dad should help. Um... HELLO THERE STUPID?!?! My dad is pissed at me too and has financial trouble too! If you wanted him to help, you should of just let me go live with him... But NOOOOOOO, just had to be controling.

So I can't even ask my dad for help with anything, and why is that? Because one of two things will happen. 1. He yells at me, calls me names and makes me feel like the worse person in the world because I do not take his advice and I am a selfish bitch apparently because my grandparents keep helping me and I don't do enough in return for them. 2. He says he can't do anything for me because I pushed him out of my life and tells my grandparents who will attempt to step in, only for my mom to bitch at me, be as nasty as can be, and then make me miserable. I have to live with her, I don't want to worsen things. They are bad enough already. Either way, I'm fucked.

I am so sick of my mom and my dad. Apparently I am an awful person who deserves all of this. I deserve to sit in my room constantly all day long because I have no gas in my car to go anywhere, no money for anything, and I'm not allowed to even go to a freakin park without my mom going crazy on me. Supposably things go down at parks. My friends are too far away to come to my rescue too.

Why not take care of myself? If I could, believe me I would. I can't find a job. The economy here is sooooo bad. My mom has a college degree and can't find a job. My dad has a college degree as well and has been CEO of one company and was a Chief Executive for IBM a long time ago and he is doing a low... VERY low job.... job= IMPOSSIBLE unless you have connections, which I do not. Apply for assistance? Too bad that takes at least a year and money too which I do not have. I guess I just have to sit and rot here.

Remind me why I am alive? What's the point if I just sit here day after day being miserable? And it's not like I even have anyone to go to. Parents just bitch at me and make everything worse and my friends are way too far away. Alone. Nothingness. What's the pont of life again? Is this it? Is this what I am suffering for?

[Awakening]

You're not a horrible person. I'm sorry you and your family have been having a tough time.
I hope things get better really soon.
I know finding a hard is super hard, it took me over a year to find one here. Just keep trying. Apply everywhere you can and check in with them as well.

Goodluck!