Such a terrible day.

[JKmadu619]

I woke up at 8am, only to be yelled at that I was late to get outside and start cutting wood we have in our backyard that we agreed we'd cut today. Whatever, I know they prefer if I get up early, it was fair enough. Anyhow, I go outside and it's pouring rain. Whatever my dad has to leave tomorrow so we do have to get this done.

I start working away, moving stacks and stacks of logs. And both my mom and dad start yelling at me for being "Disagreeable" and tell me to move the wheelbarrow on the other side of the sawhorses they were cutting the logs on. I actually never realized that it might be easier, so I tried it. Turns out the area is really uneven and makes the wheelbarrow harder to push, so I went back to my way the next time. They argued that I was "pretending to know better than them" and being a "Fucking meathead" and "Not taking the easy route" basically they thought I was just being an asshole. They refused to listen to the fact that it was harder to push their way. Anyhow, it was completely a unwarrented freak-out and basically made me feel like shit. So I will admit to not being cheerful and sticking to myself. They yelled at me for pouting, having a bad attitude, etc. And to be honest it wasn't helping my mood to be screamed at and put down about feeling bad. Anyhow, they basically keep yelling at me for being unhappy, swearing and insulting me which is only making it worse.

Anyhow, I eventually ignore them and just keep working, and my brother decides to help me carry the logs. So whatever he's working and I'm just doing my own thing, and we have blocks to keep the piles from rolling, and he moved it to try to make the stack bigger. I only noticed once it all fell apart, because I was zoning out the yelling and their bad moods. They scream at me for not supervising my brother, even though I know fully well that if I had said anything I would be lectured for "Being bossy" and "worrying about what everyone else is doing instead of working", which are lectures I hear weekly when trying to be helpful. So basically it ended up with my dad pushing me to the ground and berating me for not helping my brother and having a "bad attitude" all morning (despite the fact it was caused by them treating me like shit.)

And now I'm not sure what they want from me. A bleeding heart poem maybe? Something like "I don't want to fight with mommy and daddy, I just want to be a nice family." because let me tell you, the "nice family" vision died years ago for me, probably on my eleventh birthday when my mom told me that she wishes she had aborted me after my birthday dinner, and then calling me a "digusting crybaby" when I started to tear up after the comment. That's when I fucking gave up trying to have a good family. It might be because of my lack of trying, or they might all be douche-bags or maybe a little of both, but I give up. They want to teach me things through tough love, but I'm starting to forget what real love and compassion feels like anymore.

I wish I weren't so human, so hurt by these pointless arguements and comments, or that I didn't care that when my dad goes out of town for months at a time for work that he doesn't care enough to talk to me through email, phone, skype, anything... I wish I didn't miss my sister at lawschool, and I wish that my mother weren't depressed and angry anymore, or that I wish I were stronger and not such a goddamn touchy-feely crybaby, but here I am crying because I'll never have a nice family. I miss my sister, and I hate how my dad doesn't even want to talk to me when he's not around, and I hate how my mom can't help being so goddamn mean.

- Justin