My life story, as of today.

[Orpheus]

** NOTE: To everyone, I'm fairly new, and I wasn't exactly sure where to put this. Any advice, or help is very much appreciated. **

I grew up as a normal child, with a normal family. I was very active in sports from ages 3-10, with my father.
I moved around quite a bit as a child, in total 9 times. It doesn't compare to what some military families' must go through, but dare I say it tampered with my social skills.
When I was 6, we moved to Fairhope. Quite a nice town, with wonderful people. As the new kid in school, I was bullied to some degree, until I befriended a few others over the course of 4 months.
The one boy who lived across the street from me, became my best friend. That is, until he raped me. I was young, very young, so I hadn't an idea of what was going on. Only that he would kill me if I didn't cooperate.
I never told anyone, except for my grandfather. We moved away from there shortly after.
I felt disgusting, like I was nothing in life, just some empty shell of a person.
That time, after we moved from Fairhope, was fairly stressful on my family. It caused my father to seek out other women, and to abuse my mother. Dare I say, I couldn't hate him for that. As much as I wanted too, I couldn't.
After a few months of torment, my mother had enough, and filed for divorce.
We moved in with my grandfather, when I was 7.
I saw my father only twice after that, which I must say was scarring. On the 2nd time I saw him, he pleaded with me, that if I ever needed someone to talk to, to call him. He gave me a spare cell phone, with his number on speeddial.
24 days after I saw him last, I gave a call to see how he was doing...
According to the report, he fumbled with the phone while he was driving, and wrecked. From what I understand, he was in stable condition at the hospital, until his mistress came. He died of a heart attack...
She, had him cremated against our family's wishes. I must say, without seeing him in a coffin, I never truly got closure. I had to be strong for my mother all the same. I bottled up whatever feelings I may have had, and turned them into fuel, to just simply survive.

In 6th grade, I met a wonderful girl. As young as I was, that's the closest I've ever been to truly loving a person. She had been through similar things, and we drew upon that mutual understanding of pain.
We talked everyday until that year's summer came, in which we lost all contact until school started again.
She was completely different, beyond that even. Into drugs, sex, and the like in only 7th grade. It disgusted me, and as I may have felt for her, it turned into loathing.
I powered through it, and focused on school. In 8th grade, during Christmas break, she and I started talking again. She had told me she broke her ankle, and so she was on many pills. I attributed that as her reason for her talking to me. She told me how she was wrong for abandoning me, as I would have never done that to her. We talked, and talked, until one day she had grave news.
Pregnant, is all she could tell me. From that idiot of a boyfriend she had...
I'm pro-choice, so I asked of her not to have the baby. She would have hated the baby, and it would have grown up alone. I couldn't stand for that.
She agreed with me, and went through with the abortion. After that, she said that she must stay with him, and not me. After the many things I had done for her, here I am again, alone.

I had many thoughts at that time, to turn my gun on them, or myself.
One night, I wrote a letter explaining all that had happened to me, similar to this. I chambered 1 round, cocked the hammer, and put my father's gun to my head. BANG.

Was I dead? No, thankfully a misfire. After that... I must say I was torn. I couldn't even remove my self from this pain properly. What kind of failure was I?

I put that behind me. I moved on, until she was put in the same Home Ecc. class as me. In the same team, even.
In May, right at the very end of school, she came to me and told me that she had the baby.
I was astounded. "You lied not only to me, but to EVERYONE, for shy of 5 months?" I said.

I couldn't handle it, I left that day.

Over that summer, I was introduced into the drug scene by a mutual friend I had. It wasn't worth it by any means, believe me. I regret every second of that time in my life.
I picked up the habit of smoking cigarrettes that summer too, disgusting, truly.
My reasoning being that I have nothing worth living for, so why not die just a little bit faster?

Many other, unspeakable things happened that summer...
Some that I can never say, for fear of the federal prison system.

** I know this was a very long story, and there may be more to continue. Thank you for reading, I appreciate very much. **

[moyshi239]

Hey Orpheus,
I read through your post and wanted to leave a comment, even though i'm not 100% sure what I want to say. I'm sorry you've had to go through so many difficult experiences in your lifetime so far. They must have been difficult to cope with at such a young age. I'm glad you're still here though, and hopefully now you have more supports/coping strategies to turn to if you're having a rough time, instead of attempting suicide.

Unfortunately, we can't turn back time and change things from our past. All we can do, is continue to move forward and learn from/use our past experiences to change our future to how we'd like it to be. It's not always an easy thing to do, and when things become hard to handle, that's when you utilize your resources and supports.

Do you have any current supports in place for you right now? This can range from family members, friends, teachers, doctors, or counselors you can talk to when you need someone. If you haven't already, I really do suggest either talking with your school guidance counselor, or having your doctor refer you to one. They are trained professionals who are there to help, support, and give you guidance. When you find one that you connect with, it can make a huge difference in your life.

Anyways, I hope you find my post useful in some way. And hey, welcome to TeenHelp!

Take care. :]