A Long Rant :(

[BlueWolf]

My mom has a job and I have a job, plus I am signed up to go to college next semester, but if things actually stayed that way, I would have no complaints. It seems I've gotten my hopes up way too high. I guess that is too much for me to EVER ask for. My job does not pay enough to pay my college expenses. Hell, it hardly covers my gas, but it is better than nothing. Too bad I can't keep it.

My mom loves to do what works for her and her alone, regardless of anyone else. This might be hard to believe and many people say that I am just blind because my mom gives up so much for me. Honestly, she doesn't. She has never done anything more than give me a place to live (until I moved in with my aunt) and food to eat(sometimes). I guess that's all I can expect. Since she gives up so much. I should be happy even though she's hit me, told me I make her feel sick, ask "why did I have to end up with such a demanding and needy daughter with psychological problems?", give up her job because she felt like it even though she had a dependant daughter (I was not even in my teens the FIRST time she did that), get my hopes up all the time, take things away from me that she had no right to (such as things my dad and my grandparents gave me that were expensive too) and then lie about it, force me to tear apart my own drawings, go through my e-mail, mail, cell phone, and listen in on ALL my phone conversations even the ones with my DAD!

So she finally got another job after several years and decided she doesn't like it and won't stay longer than two months. So we are sooo poor that she has entirely cut me off, we haven't had our own house in 4 years, I am over a thousand dollars in debt with medical bills, and soon I will have no car because she refuses to help with ANYTHING. This would not be a problem to me if she actually was trying her best. But she does not care. She said it herself. She does what works for her and her alone and I have to deal with it or leave. Thus part of why I am with my aunt right now while she is with my grandparents. It's not like she can't help me. She says she doesn't have the money to "spare" on me. That includes helping me even just with my doctor considering I have another health condition and I DESPSERATELY need to see a doctor ASAP, but sadly, without any money, I can't. My mom just tells me to get a better job or ask my dad.

My dad doesn't care about me and as many times as I try to make emends, he pushes me away. My entire family sees it, so I know it is not just me, so I have learned that unfortunately I cannot go to him for help and I keep hoping he will eventually come around.

I have been staying with my aunt. She is very money tight, but has been kind enough to let me stay with her, but nothing more. I have found out that she now has cancer and it is probably best I don't stay there with her during this rough time. She already has two kids of her own to take care of and it's obvious niether of them even want me there, despite the fact I hide in my room all the time. Leaving her house means having to go stay with my grandfather and mom, thus leaving my job because it will be WAY too far to drive and I will loose money driving there.

So now that I have no job, no way to pay for gas or my upcoming car insurance bill, how on earth will I go to school? I can't. No, a loan is not an option. Firstly, my credit is now bad because I owe over twice as much as money as I have to my name with no way to pay it, and no one in my entire family will co-sign a student loan for me. I asked if there was any way around the co-signer, but there is not.

I really, truly hate every aspect of my life. Let's not forget that my friends have left me saying I need to grow up, and I do not see any way to reach either of my dreams. I already had come to terms with the fact that I can ride horses anymore because I don't have the money and no horse farm in the area (I made countless phone calls), will let me work in exchange for lessons. Now, I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot continue my college education, that I can only hope a miracle will happen and I will find a job to support myself.

I really hate everything about my life. Maybe, if I am lucky, whatever is wrong with me will eventually kill me since it seems like I am never going to see a doctor.

[Blair]

Jessica,
Sweetheart, I can't imagine how bleak things must seem right now. At times it seems like we have no chance at happiness anymore. It seems like there's no love left in the world and not much hope left for us in the future. At 16, I'm not gonna pretend I have much experience in the wonderful world of finances. I do, however, have a staggering amount in hopelessness. All I can tell you is that there is ALWAYS another way. There's never a time in which the best or only option is to give up on yourself. You are worth all this effort. You are worth all this fighting. You are worth striving for. You're obviously a hardworking, tenacious, sweet person. All you need is patience and trust in yourself and in the good in life. I know that may sound idealistic and impractical, but it's the best I have to offer you because I know with my deepest essence that it's nothing more or less than the truth.