I've traveled so far, only to end up no where. -
December 19th 2011, 08:02 AM
I don't know where else to put this, so I guess I'll stick it here.
I have this weird conundrum.
I am and pretty have been since I was a kid, a nerd. A geek, w/e. I fit in with nerds. Gamers. W/e.
And yet my entire life, Iíve attempted to present myself as someone who would be seen as ďnormalĒ or preppy. I donít really dress in anything too weird, my usual attire is jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie. And I have always attempted to hang out with people who are like that. ďNormalĒ people if you were.
Because of this, and despite how much I fit in with ďnerdsĒ and would probably do better socially with them, I canít help but feel like I shouldn't hang out with them. Like, to be part of them would embarrass me.Which makes me feel like garbage.
But when I hang out with ďpreppyĒ people, Iím filled with this rage. This intense hatred of everything they do, every stupid belief they come to hold. Every party Iíve been to, or every girl Iíve tried to pick up, I just feel like I donít belong, that they are just so shallow and vapid that to really involve myself with them would drive me to homicide.
So now Iíve some to this point in my life, where I hate everything Iíve built up about myself and the social circles I have, because it all feels so fake. And yet I canít just go ďhang out with the nerdsĒ because Iíve alienated myself from them in my locale that the only social circle I have that one would consider nerdy is entirely internet based.
maybe the fact that I assign these labels to people is part of the problem. maybe I'm oversimplifying things to a high-school level, which is what's causing me all of these issues.
Or maybe the world really is that simple. I don't fucking know anymore.
I donít know what to do. I feel like everything Iíve done has driven me down a path of this double life filled with lies and loneliness, and I just donít see how I can escape.
Often I lie wide awake, thinking of things I could make.
But I donít seem to have the parts to build them.
I am so scared of what will kill me in the end, for I am not prepared.
I hope I will get the chance to be someone, to be human.
Re: I've traveled so far, only to end up no where. -
December 19th 2011, 08:15 PM
Best advice I can come up with in this instance is actually from Hamlet (blame my inner English Literature geek for that one):
"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Bottom line is, being with people whom you share similar values, ideals, interests etc. - and above all who don't generate a burning desire in you to bring their lives to an abrupt end - is more important than any potential loss of face such as that you allude to. If your current social circles don't provide what you're looking for, you are free to move into others - the boundaries between each circle are quite flexible. When I was doing my A-levels and then university, I had friends in a variety of social circles, some of whom would only have me as a connection. I'm not saying that to massage my own ego, only to point out that you have the freedom to hang out with whoever you choose to and whoever best fits with you, and not to be constrained by the high school image of cliques. From my experience, it isn't really like that outside of school. If you best fit in with the nerds, as you put it, then a few olive branches would probably go some way to repairing any alienation. All you need to do is decide if that's what you want to do.
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom
However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.
Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .