Been a while TH, and I have to come back for this.

[Lost_Confused]

My life was going fabulous for quite a while. Didn't really need help or anything, I was on top of the world. Well, reality crashed in. (Sorry it's REALLY long. Just a bunch of shit happening lately.)

I am sooo behind in my actual schoolwork, I need to work like a crazy person to make up for my stupid mistake of slacking off. But I haven't really been thinking about it, because of the damn public school and college. Around town I'm known for whoring myself out to people from the girls, and I've been getting harassed by the guys in college. Mostly sexual harassment, and implying I'm a whore and calling me stupid. I don't usually care about what people think of me, but it's getting frustrating. Especially when people I don't know look at me like I'm some disgusting creature, or saying things about me. I don't know them, they don't "know" me. My ex, whom I still have feelings for and regret leaving, heard about me "whoring myself around" and was told I was pregnant. I know damn well who either started circulating it, or just told him, I'm not sure which is going on. But it was my supposed best friend who's actually become a whore, and told him that she told I said it "to be like her because she had a pregnancy scare". Excuse me?!? Why the FUCK would I want to be like her?! I don't want to be some hoe who has sex with every guy I'm in a relationship with, and guys just date me because they'll get laid. Thanks, but NO. I had to actually tell him about me being pregnant and losing the baby. (Which is true, but I trusted her to not say anything. Look where that got me.) He took it rather well, I'd say, which is good. But he was kind of upset because she told him about me being with my mom's boyfriends son. I know, weird relationship that shouldn't have happened. Let's just say we were all over each other, almost had sex, but my mom walked in on us, but at the time we weren't really doing anything at that time, and I told my mom nothing happened between us. I, sadly, lied to him and said nothing happened between us, that the guy tried but it didn't happen. Mostly because it was a stupid mistake, the guy was a massive player and a douche, and I wanted to forget about it. And I didn't really want the guy I still care about to think bad of me. I know, it was wrong of me to lie, but it just happened. I don't want him to think the rumors of me being a whore are true, because they really aren't. I've only had sex with one person, the ex I still care about and whom I got pregnant with. I'm not a whore, I don't even have the fuckin time to whore myself out. I told the teacher about the guys sexually harassing me at the college, and he addressed it in class that day, which is good because the guys have actually been nice to me lately, but I know they probably talk about me behind my back, and I'm tired of it.

I'm also sick and tired of my mom. I'm glad for her, glad she finally found someone who loves and cherishes her just has much as she does for him. Glad they're going to get married. But I'm jealous of their relationship, that she does have someone and I don't. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but it SUCKS being alone. And she always talks about him, or something he's doing. I'm getting tired of hearing about it, quite frankly, but I don't want to tell her and burst her little happy bubble. It's just tiring hearing about her darling. Especially when I had someone like that, but I got scared that we were moving too fast, and there were a couple red flags in the relationship, and I wasn't ready to be tied down yet. (He was wanting to getting married as soon as we turned 18. I'm not ready for that.) But I do regret leaving him, even with the red flags. We've been talking for a while now, which is great, we have conversations like before. Not exactly like, obviously, but he just makes me happy, and keeps up an interesting conversation. Which I like about him. I've tried moving on, which I thought I had, but apparently not. I'm just a mess, I even started bawling while watching Glee, twice so far, not even done with the episode yet, and last night, when I heard The Lonely by Christina Perri.

Oh yes, and the dream college I've been wanting to go to? I have a high chance of getting in, just need to send in an application and I think I'd get in. Good, right? Wrong. It's really expensive, $80,000 a year including book and tuition and housing and everything. I can't afford that. Not even with scholarships, grants, and FAFSA. I've applied for so many grants and scholarships, and I haven't gotten ONE yet. So I need to go to a cheaper college, which I've found that's $8,000 a year. Not so bad, it's one of the more prestigious schools. Just not the one I was hoping for. I know I don't always get what I want, but still. And I thought I had sold my car. It's been something I've been trying to do for a while, because I need the money really bad, and it's too expensive to keep up, and a week ago this lady said she'd buy it, saying she was sending the check in the mail and she'd send a shipping company for it after I got the check. (Don't know where she lives.) I've never gotten any sort of payment, and it's been over a week. So I'm guessing she lied, so I have to advertise it AGAIN. I'm just getting annoyed with being lied to/about, and all the drama that's circulating. Between money problems, my ex, my mom, the rumors, and lack of work, I'm just breaking down physically and emotionally. I've been getting dizzy spells, like really bad, just randomly. I was taking a shower yesterday, and I had to step out before I got all the conditioner out because I got dizzy and I was going to sit down. Nope, I collapsed onto the floor, and couldn't get up for about 5-10 minutes. So something wrong with me, and I don't know what. It's probably stress, but I don't know. I just don't know anything, and I'm tired. Tired of this whole damn mess. I feel like my heart's breaking, and my life's falling apart again. Just as it got so good... Of course.

[BDF]

You sound like you need to take an evening out or something. Powering through life like a Duracell Bunny breaks your back eventually. I'm sure you've heard that "trying too hard" isn't always good.

I know what it feels like because many times, I've literally not even had the time to sleep.

I don't really have any advice apart from take a brake every now and then. You seem to know how to handle stuff and have a thick skin.

I like to treat myself maybe once a week to a proper evening off, maybe with some friends. It keeps me sane.

[Lost_Confused]

Problem is, I don't really have friends. I thought I did, but one of them moved away and we never talk anymore, another one is never there, and another is became a classic bitch and is the one circulating the rumors about me. I could rent a movie, maybe eat some ice cream, stay up late haha. I don't really have the money to make an evening out though, even if I went to a movie there's nothing playing that I want to see here. Thank you for the suggestions though.

[BDF]

I don't really have many decent friends left either. The few I'm with at the moment I sort of keep at an arm's length. They're alright to hang with every now and then but I don't share much else with them really.

The thing with friends is... unfortunately they're only people. You can't trust them. It takes a long time. I'm not the type to play games with people, but personally I see it as a bad bet to throw everything about me out on the table for everyone to see. For a few it works, for most it doesn't. They start thinking they know everything they need to start judging you, and there's nothing you have left to throw in their face to wrong-foot them in their "assumptions".

And also caring too much, or showing that you care too much often leaves people open to just getting taken advantage off. Me keeping my friends at "arm's length" sort of shows them that I don't really depend on them with my life or anything.

Some people get offended if you treat them that way... I understand totally. But I'm simply not friends with people like that. We all have our own stuff to do and realise there are better things to do than sitting around being bitter about possibly feeling rejected. That's probably why I'm friends with them in the first place in fact.

I have no idea if that helps you... hopefully it does. I'm not suggesting you become a loner lol.

[Lost_Confused]

I used to be a loner, or had just a couple friends and I didn't tell them anything. I finally started opening up to my friends, especially only two or three, and two aren't from around here and I trust them completely, and they've kept everything I've said secret, and everything they've said to me I've kept secret. I've known them for a long time though, and it took me forever to open up to them. I made friends here, and only one of them I've opened up to, and just a little while later, she spills everything. I'll probably go back to not being very open, most likely. Thanks for all that though, it did help haha.