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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PichiPichiHanon Offline
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Dear God - July 18th 2012, 03:53 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Dear God,
Why when I try to let you into my heart
When I try to let you help
You make things worse
My dads leaving
And I ingested 100 pills yesterday
In an attempt to end my life
Are my problems a product of your boredom
Thats the only thing that makes sense
Are you doing this to spite me
Did I do something wrong
Well of course I did
But still
Maybe I'll try again
You know
"Commit the ultimate selfish act"
Its funny
I'm selfish for killing myself
But all the people around me
Who beat me down
Who call me fat
Who call me stupid
Aren't selfish
No one would miss me
For longer then a week
Maybe two
I'll be known as
"Oh you mean the fat chick that cuts hurself and overdosed"
Not that it would matter to me
I would be dead
And yes, God, I know I probably would go to Hell
And I don't know what to think about that
So, "God"
Soon you'll need to find someone else to toy with when you're bored
Because I''m just about done
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Daivia Offline
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Re: Dear God - July 18th 2012, 04:03 PM

Is this self expression and therefore unapproachable or religious debate and therefore pick-apart-able? Just wondering.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
PichiPichiHanon Offline
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Re: Dear God - July 18th 2012, 11:33 PM

Originally Posted by Esmeralda View Post
Is this self expression and therefore unapproachable or religious debate and therefore pick-apart-able? Just wondering.
Have no idea... Just had to do with God so I put it here... If its in the wrong place feel free to move it
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Dear God - July 19th 2012, 12:32 PM

I'm so sorry about everything that's happening. I understand a lot of what you are going through. Even though I'm a Christian and logically know that there is always hope and God is in control and is going to do something good with my suffering, I still tend to forget (err...ignore) that sometimes and feel hopeless. I'm not condoning this, I'm just stating fact. I just lost someone very close to me too. Well, kind of, it's a long story. Point being, even though I KNOW that God is going to work everything out in the end, and that I need to be content trusting Him until then, there are times when I don't. There are times when I just want to cry and give up (crying is okay, giving up is not). There are times where I have no idea what God is doing with my life or why I have to suffer so much. Logically, I know there is a reason. I know that in the bible, in Hebrews 12, it says "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." In other words, Jesus endured so much pain for us when He died to pay the punishment for our sins so we could be free to go to Heaven with Him some day. But even though He went through all that pain (more pain than you or me or any of us have felt, I promise), it was worth it to Him in the end because He got to save us and be reunited with us. This verse is saying to fix our eyes on Him and keep going, thinking about how much He suffered for us but had a good end result, and that we will have the same (assuming that you're a Christian...it's hard to tell from your post).

Another verse in the bible says that Jesus understands and cares about what we are going through, because He went through everything we are going through while He was on Earth- except He went through it without sinning. He had people who He loved betray Him and walk out on Him just like you did (Judas, Peter, and every single human who ever sinned against Him). He was physically tortured by people He loved to the point of death. He's been hungry. He's been tempted (but He didn't give in to temptation like we do). He had to work long hours in the heat. Think of anything bad that doesn't involve sinning, and Jesus went through it. You aren't alone in your struggles.

If you have a bible (or even if you don't, there are ones you can read online at youversion.com), I'd suggest reading the book of Job in the bible. He asked many of the same questions you just did when going through trials. He lost his wealth, his 10 children died, he became very ill, and...I think one other thing happened but I can't remember. This all happened at the same exact time. He had no idea why. His friends tried to tell him it was probably because God was angry at him and God didn't care and several other theories that were all false. The truth was, God allowed the devil to test Job to prove that Job's faith was real and that he would stay faithful to God, even through desperately hard times. And when Job passed the test the first time and trusted God even through hard times, guess what happened? Do you think God said "Oh good, you trust me, I'll take all your pain away right now"? Nope. The devil threw even MORE trials his way, saying "he passed the first time, but there's no way he'll still stay faithful to God after this". Just like you, when Job trusted God, things got worse before they got better (but hold on, because they DID get better eventually). There are 38 chapters of suffering and confusion in the book of Job before God finally spoke, explained Himself, and gave Job everything he lost plus more because he was faithful. 38 chapters! It doesn't say exactly how much time that was, but it appears to be a long while. That's why the bible has so many verses telling us to build up endurance.

One last verse I want to share with you is 1 Peter 1:6-7. It says "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." In other words- When they put gold in a fire, it is to test and see if it is real, because fake gold can't withstand fire. If it comes out strong, it is real. That is what sometimes happens to us. We are put in the "fire" (bad times in our lives) to see if our faith is real, because real faith can withstand trials. And if our faith is proven to be strong, God will reward us later (possibly on this Earth or possibly in Heaven).

I am praying for you, and please let me know if you need more verses or help.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
survivor. :)
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Re: Dear God - July 20th 2012, 09:58 PM

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time, feel free to PM or VM me anytime if you would like to talk about it. I don't know if you would like us to comment or offer advice in any of this but I want to say that I don't believe any of that is true. You have to let God in and lean on Him, He hates the fact that you are hurting so much that you wanted to take those pills, He honestly does. I have been in your position (not with the parents splitting up though) and I know how hard it is, trying to rely on God when He doesn't seem to be doing anything to help. As I said, feel free to message me anytime. It will be okay, I promise.

Take care of yourself x

You have to have the negative things in life
to be able to appreciate the positives.
TG 05/04/2013
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: Dear God - July 22nd 2012, 05:56 AM

I am sorry to hear about what a difficult time you are having. Sometimes life seems to have no purpose and no meaning, and you begin to wonder why you are even here or if God even exists/cares about you. The worse it gets, the harder it is to cope and stay afloat, the easier it gets to believe that God doesn't exist, that he exists but doesn't care about you, or that he just has too many messages on his answering machine. Sometimes it's so much simpler to be upset with God than to really feel the pain we are experiencing. It's random and senseless and we can't make sense of it, and it can feel like we've been abandoned. Like there is no hope. No one to turn to. No one who would let such bad things happen to you, to your friends and family and neighbors, or just to the world as a whole.

I'm not here to preach to you or push anything on you. You're obviously having a really rough time to the point where you don't even know if you want to stick around. But you've had the courage to open up about it and express yourself here, so that says a lot.

As someone who has been in a similar place to where you are (self-harming, weight issues, suicidal ideation and a broken family amongst other things), I can only tell you what I know to be true for myself. It's what I discovered during the years I spent asking myself those same questions. They may not be the right answers for you, but hopefully they might help.

There are many people in life who say there is no God. People say it for many reasons. In the modern age of science, where it's impossible to "prove" faith, a lot of people take that to mean God cannot exist if you can't prove him. Others see the pain and suffering in the world and refuse to believe God would let that happen, and so do not believe. Others believe but have personal pain change their beliefs. There are many more reasons, but these are a few common ones. Right now it seems you are struggling with the third one.

Out of everything I went through, I learned in the end that God exists. That God is everywhere. But that God isn't necessarily what people take Him to be, what we all think the Book says. God cannot be put into words and truly be understood. So I had to learn to understand from experience, and not from what others tell me about God.

In my experience, God does not control every detail in life. If he micromanaged everything, we would not be the creatures he created us to be, i.e. we wouldn't have free will. Free will means that people can and do make harmful decisions. Parents walk out on us. People bully us. People we trust betray us. Crimes are committed. Dictators come to power. Wars are started and thousands upon thousands die, all for a small piece of land. Society is slowly crumbling.

You cannot control what happens to you. But you can control how you live your life and how you see the world. You can control what you believe. God cannot keep everything bad from happening. He never promised to. But he also never stopped listening or caring. He never stopped offering shelter. Sometimes when I was busy calling after him, he was busy waiting for me to take a certain step. Waiting for me to ask him not to save me, to take away all the pain, but for me to say that I would find the strength to believe I was worth saving.

God isn't there to take away challenges, to make it all go away. He's there to help YOU find the strength inside yourself to walk beside Him and to trust not only him, but yourself. Because as long as you can do that, you can get through whatever the world throws at you.

I realize that you are in a lot of pain. I also realize that this may not hold any meaning for you because you have to find your own answers. You have to find what, if anything, God/The Universe is telling you. And to do that you have to reach inside of yourself, and believe.

If you ever need to talk to anyone, feel free to PM me. But I hope that you can find meaning in your life, despite its challenges, and that you find the strength to trust, if not in God, then at least in yourself.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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