My eternal conundrum (a petition for prayer from Christians of all denominations)

[Of Mike and Men]

I'm some of you may know, I have been having issues regarding my salvation. I'm working on the beginning on the 3rd year of my severe doubting.

I've come to the point where I realized something. I do not, to a large degree, care about holiness. Let me clarify myself before you assume too much.

I have been self-deceived, I believe, into self-righteousness, and double mindedness. Although, I cannot be self-deceived if I realize the deception. So, I don't know what to call it. I've been reading Søren Kierkegaard's "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing."

Despite some disliking towards the man and his existentialism, he makes some very valid points in his book, and I believe, largely, is agreeing with the Epistle of James.

I have come to notice that my willing to be pure is not because I love God and that I want to be pure for our Spiritual Husband. But, rather, that I wish to appear to be what I am not. Peaceful, pure of lust, single minded (as Kierkegaard says, to will the good), long suffering, kind, and having self-control. I want to be like Christ. Not necessarily because I want to for be Holy for God, but because I want to be Holy for myself.

Despite this, if there are times I want to be holy for God, it is because I am fearful of punishment. I do, at times, however, have a "Jesus loves me, so I want to do this because I love him," in mind, but when tempted, this is never in my mind.

I do not know what any of this makes me. I've taken comfort in times past knowing that Christ was sufficient. And I do believe this. However, I was comforted because I knew only Christ's death could cover me. But, as I am beginning to see with new eyes, Christ's death not only covers me from punishment, it saves me from sin, presently, and I am not experiencing that salvation from sin.

I have been taking comfort in the doctrines of Hyper-Calvinism. That is, removing all responsibility from salvation on man. I've followed the likes of John Gill, Don Fortner, and others. Perhaps it is their teaching, but I did not see the responsibility for man.

Now, I do not say this to mean that man is responsible to save themselves. But rather, that God provides grace to His elect to not only have faith, but to conduct themselves in a holy manner, if not unto perfection. I do not know if perfection is possible in this life, but when I read some of the Epistles, it sure sounds like some of the Apostles -- post conversion -- were pretty dang close. That is:

CANON 6. If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, "What have you that you did not receive?" (1 Cor. 4:7), and, "But by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor. 15:10).

CANON 7. If anyone affirms that we can form any right opinion or make any right choice which relates to the salvation of eternal life, as is expedient for us, or that we can be saved, that is, assent to the preaching of the gospel through our natural powers without the illumination and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, who makes all men gladly assent to and believe in the truth, he is led astray by a heretical spirit, and does not understand the voice of God who says in the Gospel, "For apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and the word of the Apostle, "Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God" (2 Cor. 3:5).

CANON 8. If anyone maintains that some are able to come to the grace of baptism by mercy but others through free will, which has manifestly been corrupted in all those who have been born after the transgression of the first man, it is proof that he has no place in the true faith. For he denies that the free will of all men has been weakened through the sin of the first man, or at least holds that it has been affected in such a way that they have still the ability to seek the mystery of eternal salvation by themselves without the revelation of God. The Lord himself shows how contradictory this is by declaring that no one is able to come to him "unless the Father who sent me draws him" (John 6:44), as he also says to Peter, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven" (Matt. 16:17), and as the Apostle says, "No one can say 'Jesus is Lord' except by the Holy Spirit" (1 Cor. 12:3).

-Council of Orange (529 AD) Source: Historic Church Documents at Reformed.org

I am beginning to realize that Christ is sufficient for salvation, but that Christ, in His grace, gives us faith, repentance, calls us to prayer, etc. all by His grace, and that man is ultimately responsible by God's grace as Martyr said:

Unless the human race has the power of avoiding evil and choosing good by free choice, they are not responsible for their actions.
(Justin Martyr, 160 AD, 1.177)

Ultimately, I am confused why I delight in any holiness. And yet, I find, in my heart of hearts, I do not long for holiness. Because if I did, I have God's grace readily dispensed for me to avoid sins I am tempted to do. Yet, I willfully and consciously give into them.

I, again, come before all of you in confession of my wickedness, wickedness that I do not feel I have, nor do I feel any of this is said in contrition. And I come before you all for your prayers. Please.

Thank you.

[Iris. ♥]

Hey Michael.
I've been a Christian for about a year and a half. I know that's not that long, but in that time, I've had a lot of doubts about my own salvation. There comes a point when you need to make a decision. The question itself is very straightforward: Do you love God? He sent His only Son to die on the cross for YOU. I'm sure you already know that. But, does that fill you with the awe, the gratitude, and the peace to choose to cast aside your will to be "holy" in order to embrace, follow, and proclaim the One who truly is? There's a book that I read a couple weeks ago that would be great for you to read right now. It's called I Am Not, But I Know I Am by Louie Giglio. It's a really short, easy book. But, it'll put things into a new perspective for you. Remember, God offers you a choice. You can take up your cross and follow Him or you can ignore Him and choose to try to make yourself a self-righteous man. I'll be praying that you make the right choice. Please feel free to PM/VM me with questions or prayer requests. God Bless.

[Megan1]

While we should try to do the right thing, that is not was saves us from our sins. The reason that we should try to do the right thing is to be good representatives of Christ and out of love for Him. I know what you mean about being self-righteous and sometimes wanting to do the right thing just to feel like we are "good". We all struggle with that sometimes, and God has given us the Holy Spirit to convict us when that happens. We should care about doing the right thing, but we shouldn't rely on those good things to save us....because they can't. We also shouldn't get down on ourselves when we mess up. Yes we should feel convicted and ask God to help us do better, but if we have already been saved, we shouldn't feel condemed if we mess up- because Jesus died so that we wouldn't ever be condemed. If you are saved, you don't have to worry about ever going to hell, so that shouldn't be a motive for being good. If you feel that you are doing good works for the wrong reasons, pray and ask God to give you the right motives. His answer to prayer is always "yes" when you are asking that.

The bible says that we are saved by grace, through faith (Ephesians 2:8). The whole verse says "For by grace you are saved through faith; and that is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God". Faith is a gift from God, not something that we produce ourselves. God saves us by His grace, but through faith. It requires faith, but it has nothing to do with ourselves- God gives us that faith. This one verse says that all perfectly. You are right in saying that God gives us faith and repentance as a gift and that those things come from Him.

The bible says that if you lack wisdom, just ask of God who will give it to you generously and without holding back. Ask Him about the areas that you are unsure about. Tell Him all of your thoughts and ask Him to show you which ones are from Him. This is something that all Christians have to do sometimes, because none of us know everything on our own. We all need to ask for wisdom sometimes; God understands that.

[Megan1]

I forgot to add that I will be praying for you.