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Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - August 29th 2016, 09:47 PM

It's 2.23am and I am still up, drinking a glass of whiskey, tired from the day but unable to sleep - a situation I have been accustomed to for a couple of weeks now.

I would like to share my story.

She used to cut. She had problems in her past. Like many of you, she met me over the internet and we hit it off. We fell in love and it was a wild ride.

The fact that she had been abused in the past made me determined to do everything in my power to get her to experience as many happy memories as possible so that she would never have to dwell on the painful ones ever again.

I was a man on a mission.

I drove her around, showered her with gifts and paid attention to every single detail in her life. I messaged, called and did everything I could to make her life happy in any way possible.

I told her of my pain - my fractured past and my broken family. I told her I do not make friends easily.

I felt like I had found a kindred spirit and I could give all the love I have locked up in abundance within me that I couldn't share with friends, of which I have few, or family, who I didn't care much for.

She couldn't believe that anyone could love her and she felt she would only screw everything up but I would never let her go. I would always be there for her and I was nicer to her than any guy ever has been in her life.

I would plan for days on how I would take her out and when she did come over, I worked so hard to make sure it was an amazing evening.

I feel I transformed her life. She was a shell of a person before she met me, always nervous and hesitant, but now she has a bright future ahead of her and is embracing life in a big city.

I walked her every step of the way - I believed in her when she didn't believe in herself.

But none of that mattered in the end. You can love someone as intensely as the sun but if they prefer the shade, they will take the warmth for granted.

She told me she would always be there for me. She said she would be there forever. She told me I was hers and she would marry me a few years down the line.

These turned out to be lies.

A short while later, she decided she didn't like me that much after all.

All it took was just a new group of friends.

I can't bear losing her, though. I loved her so much. I still do. The way she smiles, the way she sways when she walks, the way she arches her eyebrows when she teases, her soft voice, her slender figure and her hundred cute ways all win me over in milliseconds and I spend hours trying to talk myself out of all that nostalgia every time I see her.

I nearly killed myself over this loss too.

I got so upset with the unthinkable possibility that she felt nothing for me while I feel so much for her that I began to seek the rush of adrenaline as I skirted with danger.

It was one of the only things that could replace this feeling of emptiness inside me even if it was for a few moments.

I now have a mark on my arm that matches the one on hers.

All the places I visited with her are now so dangerous to my psyche. All my friends have abandoned me now as the smiles have disappeared and I prefer to be by myself and I don't reach out to anyone anymore.

I deleted all the photos and all the messages she sent me so that I wouldn't see her name so often anymore.

I still see her often now. She doesn't like to talk to me anymore. It is hard to believe that this is the same person with whom I shared an intimate night of passion with. She responds to any sign of friendliness with curtness that stabs me in the heart. I almost feel like she overcompensates for the fear of social disapproval.

Do I want her back? Definitely. I badly want her back. But I will not do anything to win her back because I know she does not value me. And I am to be valued.

She told me she didn't think it was going to work out and she is totally right.

But it wasn't for want of trying on my part. No two people are perfect for each other at the start. I changed so much to try and accommodate her preferences.

I wish you all success in your struggles. I would just like to state that if you're not careful, you could very well become like the people who have abused you.

All it takes for the change is a moment when you decide that your happiness is worth more than someone else's.

Last edited by foolsofafthrflocktogether; August 30th 2016 at 08:10 AM.
   
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - August 30th 2016, 07:54 PM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry for what you went through. For what it's worth, I also became very close with somebody who I met online. I befriended this person during a time they were struggling, and throughout our friendship I became vulnerable and told this person very personal details about me that I wouldn't normally share and this person told me that they wouldn't leave me as they knew that was a fear of mine. Unfortunately, this person moved on with their life and didn't see our friendship the same way I did. Many people do not see online relationships the same way you and I do; they see your messages just like a game of candy crush and use you for short-term entertainment until other parts of their lives fulfill them, and are perfectly content with leaving you at any time as if you weren't a person.

However, not everybody is like that, I promise. There are wonderful people in the world and you will find another partner or friend, either in-person and online. It's not over, you're not broken, and things can get better. Will that be immediate? Of course not. It's been over a year since my friend abandoned me, and I'm not over it. But every day gets a little easier. I've made other friends and have strengthened relationships I already had, and I have a supportive partner who loves me. It absolutely sucks and folks often belittle the struggles of somebody broken hearted by a person they met online. But that's the way communication is going, and your feelings are 100% valid and real.

I'd recommend you put energy into your other relationships. Family, friends, etc, spend time with them and get yourself out of your room by yourself. If you don't feel supported by folks in your life, consider seeing a therapist. There's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist over the ending of a relationship. Before meeting me, my partner sought therapy after a breakup even if he does not have a diagnosable mental illness. It's a great way to process and gives you an outside perspective on your relationship and helps you move forward.

I loved what you had to say about the potential impact we have on people. Every interaction you have with another person has the potential to build or break them. The smallest kindness can make somebody's day, and the slightest fault can incredibly harm them. It's so important that we recognize how powerful we truly are and how much our behavior matters.

Last, I hope that you stick around the TeenHelp community. I cannot promise you that every single person here has good intentions, but I can tell you that there are wonderful folks that can minimally help you through your issues and potentially, you can meet friends of a lifetime. I know I have. If you're looking for advice on particular topics, this thread outlines each way to get advice. Otherwise, let me know if you need anything.

Best,
Traci


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - August 31st 2016, 12:58 PM

Traci has given some wonderful advice and I completely agree with her. I really like the idea of focusing on strengthening your other relationships because that could help fill the void you currently have.

Like it's been said, your feelings are completely valid. If someone treated me like this, I would be pretty angry, too. You have every right to be upset. You were so kind and your kindness was taken for granted. You deserve better than that. Do you have any ways of coping with your anger that you find helpful?

I hope deleting those photos and things helped you a little bit. I was friends with an unhealthy person and decided to delete all the photos because I didn't want the reminder and that helped.

You said you see her often now and it is understandably troubling to see her. It might help if you can make up some kind of affirmation to repeat to yourself when you see her. Whenever I see one of the unhealthy people in my life, I remind myself that it is who the person is, he isn't going to change, and I shouldn't expect much from him. And when I do see this person, I try to do whatever I can to make myself more comfortable. I understand that you can't plan when you will run into her, but maybe you can think of some coping skills you can use in that moment.

Like Traci, I hope you stick around TeenHelp, too. I think you'd benefit from looking around and making some new friends. While we can't promise that each person has the best intentions, many people here do, and I think it might be helpful to see that not everyone will treat you badly.

Take care of yourself.


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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 9th 2016, 01:01 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. I hope to see you around the site!


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 9th 2016, 03:40 PM

I am sorry to hear what you've been through, it sounds like you're in a lot of pain from what happened. It sounds like you worked at the relationship and put a lot of energy into it but it did not go well and I can imagine it's frustrating to say the least. It does sound that you've learned a lot from it though. Hopefully moving forward, this situation doesn't repeat itself and you can make friends who value you entirely.

It's okay to feel angry over this. Anger is an emotion for when you feel something has been unjust to you, and I can see how you would feel things were unfair. Like it's been said, you were kind to her. You offered her support. You did the best you can with what you knew and what you had. While it sounds like you recognized she was coming from a place of hurt and pain, it's important to also keep in mind there are many ways to respond to a situation but she had reacted in a harmful manner, rather than trying to communicate effectively.



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But none of that mattered in the end. You can love someone as intensely as the sun but if they prefer the shade, they will take the warmth for granted.
This quote really resonated with me. And I know specifically I feel that way about my siblings.

It's hard sometimes, dealing with difficult people who've had difficult pasts. I think it's okay to think about yourself in this situation. I'm sorry that your friends abandoned you, when they dont seem to have a clue of what you're going through. It's going to take time to heal from all this. And you do have TeenHelp for support.
Try not to limit yourself from having any internet friends or interactions because of bad experiences. Remind yourself that each person is a different person. Try to give each new person a new chance, you may be pleasantly surprised!

Take care of yourself, okay?
   
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 9th 2016, 04:47 PM

Sorry about what happened to you. Are you talking about a TH member when you say "one of you?"
   
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 9th 2016, 04:54 PM

Having done just that many a time, I've learnt the hard way to not set myself on fire to keep someone warm. All you can take away from the time spent is that it was good while it lasted, it hurts like a poke in the eye but all you can do is except it and move on..
   
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 9th 2016, 10:49 PM

I'm sorry to hear all of this. Do you get professional help? Pm me any time. Hang in there.


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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 9th 2016, 11:13 PM

As painful as it sounds like this has been for you, I think you've gotten it right. We can't be solely responsible for another person's happiness and well-being and we can't make someone reciprocate feelings that they don't have. You were in love, things changed for her, and she moved on. Now you feel like she doesn't care. You're right that you shouldn't get back together with her. It's not fair to either person to be in a relationship if they don't want to be. You want back what it used to be or what you wish it was, not what it became. Do whatever you feel you have to do to recover and prepare yourself for the next person. You've learned a lot from going through this and it will pay off for someone who wants to stay with you. You've received plenty of good advice here for how to do that.


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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 19th 2016, 07:09 AM

Hi there.

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you.

If you ever need anything, my inbox is always open.


   
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - September 26th 2016, 11:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by IH8U2 View Post
Sorry about what happened to you. Are you talking about a TH member when you say "one of you?"
Yes. She told me about this website and the self-harm she used to suffer and how everyone here helped her. But it is amazing how little she cares for others.
   
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Re: Hello, one of you nearly ruined my life - October 1st 2016, 02:52 PM

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear you've had a bad experience with one of the users on this site. I want to let you know not everyone, whether here on TeenHelp or anywhere else on the internet and in real life, aren't like that. If you ever need to chat, my inbox is open. Don't be afraid to reach out and post on the Support & Advice forum if you need to.
   
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