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-   -   Short Snippet for SO for Vday (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f40-self-expression/t136280-short-snippet-so-vday/)

makeusmile February 11th 2015 02:11 AM

Short Snippet for SO for Vday
Truthfully, this is just a short snippet I wrote for my SO for Valentine's Day that I would like to read aloud to him...but it doesn't feel complete. It documents a special moment we shared together on vacation that we both remember fondly. I wanted to submit it for criticism. Please be honest. I am not sold on it. I am more accustomed to writing poems. This is not a poem...nor is it truly short story. Any thoughts and SUGGESTIONS are helpful! thanks!

I dip my arms into the water to propel myself towards you; each disturbance of the smooth surface rippling into a gentle acoustic echo. There is not another person in sight this balmy evening. We have this scene all to ourselves. The moon is perfectly poised above us; its vibrant glow dominating the dark canvas of expansive sky.

You grab ahold of my body with strong arms and pivot us in a slow circle; our own romantic carousel ride. The surrounding encircling panorama fades as a I am drawn to look up at your face. My gaze locks into yours with passionate kinetic force, a wordless message flowing between us. Your eyes are a calm winter blue; your irises interlaced with delicate fibers of lively orange that are only noted on this close inspection. Time slows to allow memory to take its subtle still-frame photographs; images to be saved in a secret alcove of reminiscence in my mind.

Contentedness brims within me as I lean into the warm contours of your frame and rest my chin where it fits perfectly on your shoulder. I am thankful for this vivid waking dream and the countless humble moments that fill our lives together with wonder and happiness.

What emotions does this evoke for you? Any phrases you like/dislike? Anything you suggest I add? Any other suggestions welcome. Feel free to be brutally honest, I wont be offended.

Spoons February 11th 2015 05:53 AM

Re: Short Snippet for SO for Vday
Since you're reading it out loud I'll give a typo correction, because it makes it easier to read out loud when everything's correct. You put "The surrounding encircling panorama fades as a I am drawn..." so I am assuming you should erase the "a."

This evokes a lot for me! It made me feel really peaceful, as if this was both a romantic scene but also something that was very relaxing, not stressed at all. It seems as if it was very calm but also very nice.

I like the description you used. You worded things very eloquently in a way that makes me feel almost as if I was there that night, which is what I am sure you were going for. Now both of you will be able to relive it!

I like how you started this. I also like "its vibrant glow dominating the dark canvas of expansive sky."

Seriously though, your descriptions are amazing.

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