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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Beetlejuice Offline
I'm apologising in advance >.>
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Post Spoken word poetry feedback - March 1st 2015, 02:12 AM

*TW sexual assault*

Hey,

I've been taking part in some spoken word poetry events and my work seems to be going down really well so far. I've written a new poem and just wanted some feedback, but didn't want to show it to the people I usually would just yet, as it's kind of an exploration of something really personal that happened to me a while back (sexual assault, sort of, don't really want to use the R word, its complicated, hence the exploratory poem :L)

Long story short, I know it's meant to be read aloud, but it was just looking for a little feedback before I read it to a crowd/show anyone

thanks




Trespasser




I should have been armed,
and slightly dangerous. 

All claws and warning signs.

Danger, do not enter,

Trespassers will be shot.


Or at least mildly berated.



As I felt you scale my castle walls
I should have had my guns at the ready

But one too many Mangers and a karaoke high
had left me quite unsteady.


Warning sign number 1. The guard dogs are asleep.

Still

You walked me home like a gentleman

with otherwise shit intentions
Back to yours with talk of a sofa
a duvet and an open door
your mum wouldnít mind us smoking a joint before bed.


Warning sign number 2. My security cameras appear to be offline.


And Iíve never been anything but a strong willed whirlwind
with a fuck you attitude and a dark sense of humour
But how could I have possibly have known what I wanted when I could barely even see.
Or consented. Or agreed.
Or nodded. Or given you all the signs of what I wanted.
Or just opened my fucking mouth and said YES. I want this.



Not this.



Warning sign number 3. What has happened to my motion sensors


See you did me wrong boy

as a night of songs and alcholhol abuse

(and being mistaken for a couple at our local)

is really no excuse


You took the whiteness in my cheeks
as the waving flag of a surrender
and my worried lack of action
as acceptance in all itís splendour


Warning sign number 4. The button on my panic alarm is stuck.



See I called you friend

I called you brother

but you saw me as woman
saw me as lover.

And I wont lie and tell you that

ďIím stronger now!Ē

ďThanks for the lesson kidĒ

I have my days


I wanted to tell you that you broke me

you tore down my self worth and erected a monument too You in my courtyard.
and yes iíve rebuilt, reformed
thereís roses growing from the shit you left me to deal with
but there are still cracks in my foundations
and weak points in my pillars.

Security systems offline, rebooting in 5, 4, 3Ö


But this temple is still standing

Itís battered doors a mausoleum
sometimes screams echo in this colosseum

but
itís a monument to me.

and it might be a ruin
but itís one hell of a destination

so iím holding festivals and parties in the streets
so that everyone knows that this
is no longer a tomb

itís a palace.


Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp,
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live.


   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Hypothesis. Offline
Not significant.

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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 2nd 2015, 01:18 AM

I think this is really impactful and speaking it out loud will have so much emotion.


   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 2nd 2015, 08:57 PM

This is really good! I really like the 'it's a palace' at the end!


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Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3
SKITTLIFY!

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
12.04

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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 4th 2015, 10:08 PM

I think this is amazing and it'll sound really powerful if you decide to read it out loud.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

They whispered to her
you cannot withstand the storm
she whispered back
i am the storm.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 4th 2015, 11:17 PM

This is really good!




Member Since 1/15/2012
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Lexify. Offline
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 5th 2015, 01:46 AM

This is a really powerful piece and I think you can make quite the impact if you read this out loud.
   
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 5th 2015, 05:21 AM

I agree that this is very powerful.


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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Beetlejuice Offline
I'm apologising in advance >.>
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 6th 2015, 04:17 AM

thanks for the feedback guys, I think i'm gonna try it out at the next spoken word event.


Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp,
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live.


   
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IH8U2 Offline
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 8th 2015, 10:39 AM

Very well organized thoughts and sentiments
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Beetlejuice Offline
I'm apologising in advance >.>
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 18th 2015, 09:14 AM

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I think i'm gonna try it out at the next event


Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp,
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live.


   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
Bluetears Offline
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 23rd 2015, 07:16 AM

Beautiful... very powerful and filled with emotion I really really like this


"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
   
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Counted Heart. Offline
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Re: Spoken word poetry feedback - March 25th 2015, 05:16 AM

This is one of the most powerful, emotional, moving pieces I've ever read. The structure, the themes, the rhythm - it's all perfect. Let us know how it goes when you do perform it at an event!


but when the morning breaks
we will see the sun.
   
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