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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
JollyRancher. Offline
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Just Thoughts - February 16th 2019, 01:34 AM

Hi, hello?
Is anyone even there.
I am sorry for bothering, but I could use a friend.
What... Is nobody really around?
Did I finally push away everyone?
How am I not surprised.

There is only so much I can say.
Only so many times I can scream about depression.
And dating is just a fantasy. Relationships are always dreams.

I apologise for repeating the same old things.
What else am I to say when it never change.
Do I make up stories, or repeat someone else's life?
Do I just stay quiet and laugh on time?

It's gotten to the point where I have nothing to say.
And when I repeat, I downgrade.
My value drops and expectations raise.
Then I watch as everything falls away.

I try. I will not lie.
But I also don't. And that's not alright.
Push myself to interact. Push myself to react.
Smile on queue and laugh at just the right time.

Therapy pushes me to reconnect.
Reconnect what?
Everything I have pushed away?
Everyone I have hid from?

Fear of rejection.
Would anyone even want me back?
Should I even try to take those steps?
Fear of loneliness.

And if they take me...
What do I say?
Everyone is forward,
I'm miles away.

Say I reconnect. Say I try more.
And then I'm invited out,
For laughs and good times
How would I even afford that, when I have probably only a dime.

Can't even afford my own life.
Ashamed I'd feel.
Embarrassed.
So how about let me not bother.

Haven't left my home in days.
If it wasn't for doctors, I'd never leave.
I've had a person worry about me being gone,
They think the worst until I show up.

And then relief to see me around,
And the concern as I down play my doubts.
The disbelief as I joke darkly and laugh.
And the worry as I try not to cry.

The worst part is,
I know it's wrong.
The hiding, the laughing.
The self doubt.

And I've tried to get better.
That's why I asked for the therapy.
Why I see the doctors.
Why I try to get up all the time.

But I feel like I've lost everything,
Pushed away everyone.
Chose the wrong partners.
Stopped believing in myself.

Maybe I am pushing too hard,
Maybe that's why It all falling apart,
Maybe I just need to slow down,
Step by step till I finally catch up?

Hi, Hello,
To anyone who sees.
You are doing great, things will get better, you so got this!
And maybe someday, I will reach there too.


Used to be Misslostintears
If you ever want to talk or something, i am always here.
I've been around for a while now.

If someone tells you that something you love is wrong,
THEY ARE WRONG
IF someone tries to destroy your dreams,
SHOW THEM THAT WHAT THEY DO IS NOT GOING TO STOP YOU

YOU ARE YOUR OWN BOSS,
IT'S YOUR LIFE,
LIVE IT YOUR WAY!


   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: Just Thoughts - February 16th 2019, 03:14 PM

Thank you for sharing this. I can really relate to parts of this. Hope you are okay <3


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Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Golfing girl Offline
Be Creative. Always Dance.

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Re: Just Thoughts - February 16th 2019, 08:55 PM

This was lovely. Hope everything's alright. Hugs.


Senior HelpLINK Mentor and Forum Moderator. PM/VM

Dance is your pulse, your heartbeat, your breathing.
Itís the rhythm of your life. Itís the expression in time and movement,
in happiness, joy, sadness and envy.
-Jacques díAmbroise
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
.:Bibliophile:. Offline
PM me anytime!

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Re: Just Thoughts - February 17th 2019, 02:48 PM

Thank you for sharing. I thought this was well written and there was a lot of emotion in this! I hope you are doing okay.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Hypothesis. Offline
Not significant.

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Re: Just Thoughts - February 17th 2019, 09:31 PM

I like the questions asked in this!


   
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