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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
lauren18uk Offline
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How it is - June 2nd 2009, 04:03 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It isnít just a thought that crosses your mind once a day,
It exists in everything that you do.
Itís in the cup of coffee you grab on the way to work.
Itís in the laughter that escapes you at least once during the day,
Itís in the footsteps you walk to and from everyday life.
It isnít an event that happened and now is over,
Itís something that lives within you-
A random outburst of crying, or a glaze over of tears when least expected,
At bizarre and unselected times.
In the lyrics of songs or the melodies of music,
It exists in the sunrise and sunset of each day.
You carry it with you like a loss, almost like grief Ė for what could have been,
For how you might have been if it had never happened to you.
Maybe more confidant? Outgoing? Flirtatious or sexy?
Would you be a better person or a less of one than you are now.
Can it really alter the person you become?
Does it affect every decision you make, big and small.
Perhaps it affects life chancing choices?
Determines the life you choose for yourself,
If you choose to fight, to never give up Ė
And damn to hell the fear, anxiety and regret for what happened to you.
Or do you choose the other path? The path that tells you lifeís a bitch and to be consumed with anger.
The path that forces you never to forget, encourages you to curl up in a ball and cry like a child Ė for that child that you were.
Do you let it drag you down or do you cling on for dear life?
Perhaps it leads you to choose the relationships you have, the person you end up loving for every single day after that.
Maybe it determines what mother you become,
Or if you become one at all?
At time what happened makes you wonder about fate, maybe even God,
If he exists he surely must have had it in for you?
Guilt especially lives within you, decides what you say, what you do and who you meet.
Youíre not stupid enough to believe it was your fault,
But guilt from what happened is embedded in you,
Never quite believing youíre that strong, brave and courageous person people tell you that you are.
Believing your never quite worth it.
You also wonder about him. Does he know of the damage he really inflicted?
Does it live too in every breath he takes, every minute of his life and every thought he has.
When making that decision did he truly understand the life altering affect he would place upon one personís life?
You hope itís a decision that lives within his soul every waking hour of every minute of everyday.
Maybe you creep into his dreams at night? Like he still manages to do.
You hope so, otherwise the alternative is worse Ė
He lives a fairly normal life, conscience free, no profound alteration placed upon his very existence.
It doesnít matter if he was your Father, your brother, a friend or a stranger, or even if it was a man at all Ė we all wonder if it has affected them too.
Maybe he drifts into a peaceful sleep at night,
Leaving you to be dealt the shorthand of the deal-
The restless mind, the painful memories and the constant grieving for the girl and woman you might have been.
I choose to believe it happened because it had to.
God, fate, or maybe just life believed I was strong enough to cope Ė
To carry on with life despite it, and go onto heal.
Iím healing everyday, each second that little bit more,
Maybe without it happening my life and all itís moments I would have chose to waste. And not ever fully appreciated every second.
Maybe it happened to make me a better person than one I might have been if it didnít.
Itís easier to believe it happened to save me, not to destroy me, besides I will never let it.
Because I speak of it less never means I will forget,
It exists within every part of me, but that doesnít have to be bad.
I carry it with me to give me strength, determination, ambition and most of all hope.
Hope that through those most lonely and dark moments, light, and strength can be found anywhere.


For all those partly healed, those
That are still healing,
And those that havenít quite started yet.
I hope this helps.

Last edited by ForeverAutumn*; June 2nd 2009 at 09:42 PM. Reason: Adding trigger warning. [:
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How it is - June 2nd 2009, 09:41 PM

This is a great post, Lauren, what you've said here is so true.

I'm going to move this to Self Expression as I feel it's better suited there than in Rape & Abuse, though. Mods, feel free to move if you think it belongs elsewhere.



how could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?| PM Me
self-harm free since 06.10.11.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How it is - June 5th 2009, 02:55 AM

I just want to say thank you. You summed up my life for the past 3 years to a tee. I do or have at one point wondered about those very issues. I am healing and moving on and your poem helps that much more. So for your creativity and bravery to share this, I thank you.


Servatis a periculum...
Servatis a maleficum...
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How it is - June 6th 2009, 11:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by cleostar09 View Post
I just want to say thank you. You summed up my life for the past 3 years to a tee. I do or have at one point wondered about those very issues. I am healing and moving on and your poem helps that much more. So for your creativity and bravery to share this, I thank you.
In writing this all i wanted to do was reach at least one person, once I had done that i knew i would have accomplished what i wanted. So thank you x
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How it is - June 7th 2009, 12:04 AM

Reading this acually made me cry... It is so true in every aspect of it. It's almost comforting to know that there are others who understand how I feel and that I'm not alone. I'm really glad you posted this(:


Originally joined: June 2008


" He has no remorse for his actions,
And feels nothing but pleasure.
To see her suffer is his joy-
And her innocence is his treasure. "

is this what you really want from me..?
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How it is - June 7th 2009, 12:20 AM

...

not even going to lie... i'm actually crying as i type this. thank you so much for posting this- it's so beautiful and true. Really, thank you. and i'm sure it means so much to every girl reading it who has also been abused.

<3
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
lauren18uk Offline
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Re: How it is - June 10th 2009, 12:22 PM

aw wow that means more to me than i can ever say thankyou for letting me know it moved you so much and that it helped.. no matter how little or much it did. That was the purpose of this, it also helped me to express myself by writing down the worldwind of thoughts that crosses your mind every day regarding this issue. xx
   
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Re: How it is - June 10th 2009, 07:51 PM

the question i always ask myself is why did he do it. and wonder why.
   
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Re: How it is - June 11th 2009, 10:01 PM

Wow this is wonderful what you wrote it is truly how i feel idk where i am in the healing process b/c its still all to much for me to deal with so i think after the court date i wil start to heal but right now i cant knowing he is still out there


Lord, Thank You for everything
That I have come to know.
For all the trials I endured
You taught me how to grow.
Thank You for life's blessings,
You showed me how to love.
Thank You Lord, for filling me
with Compassion from above.
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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How it is - June 12th 2009, 06:33 AM

Thank you for writing this, it is so true I can really relate to it. It makes me feel less alone .
Especially this part:
Quote:
You carry it with you like a loss, almost like grief Ė for what could have been,
For how you might have been if it had never happened to you.
Maybe more confidant? Outgoing? Flirtatious or sexy?
Would you be a better person or a less of one than you are now.
Can it really alter the person you become?
I always wonder how different I would be now if it hadn't happened.


"But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't, and how you hurt yourself on the outside... to try to kill the thing on the inside." [Girl Interrupted]
   
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