Triggering (ED): A draft of a story I'm working on tell me what you think about it please , any comments welcomed

[Music In My Heart 120]

Please let me know if you liked the story or not and why also if I should finish the story.

As Jen walked to class her mind was filled with many many thoughts she almost walked head first into a trash bin . Mind you she was very late to her class by the time she got there the teacher very annoyed she came this late gave her detention for a week .

Jen hardly able to keep control over*
her feelings of intense embarrassment *and anger quickly red faced near to tears ran to her desk got out her materials .Then put her head down in order to keep her face hidden for she was crying and did not want anyone to know she was .

All the students distracted by it all were noisily getting paper to write notes to their friends *and whispering behind their hands about Jen.Normally the other students thought it was very unusual for Jen to be very late as she *came on time most days , in their minds she *was almost perfect , they envied Jen especially the girls she had everything they wanted .*

Jen was thin , tan also dressed very fashionably also she was a very nice person they thought although shy at times .
She always got the best grades in her class and the teachers pet ,so this was very unusual for Jen her teacher became concerned . For lately this was the third time she came into class 30 min late. .*

The teacher disliked having to give detention to her best student for a week but something had to be done as this was distracting the students and disrupted valuable time of learning .and if it happened a fourth time Jen being 30 mins late to class the teacher thought grimily, she would have to give Jen a no credit for class and a conference with parents and school principal or counsellor .

The teacher asked for the students to calm down or all students will be required to write a one page essay on how they would miss out on their education if they did not come to class to learn .*

All the students became silent and the teacher pleased got back to teaching science*
Eventually Jen looked up and began to copy the notes on the board about the plant cycle .

After that days lesson the teacher requested Jen come to her office to talk Mrs.Swan could tell the very idea terrified the girl so she said to Jen .I only want to talk to you about your recent performance in class because I'm worried you are about to fall behind in classwork .*

Jen intent on just getting out insisted that she needed to take care of stuff before her next class with that she ran out of the classroom.
The teacher was dumbfounded and looking towards the door shocked at the way she just *zoomed out of the classroom Jen .This intensified greatly the concern Mrs.Swan unsure of what to do quickly got her things together and headed towards her car to head home and figure out what to do about Jen.*

Jen in the meantime rushed to the bathroom and threw up the half piece of toast she had for breakfast . Her friend Rose just came to the bathroom hearing retching noises as she called out you ok Jen said weakly yes .

Rose stopped in her tracks as she saw Jen come out of the stall wiping her mouth and looking pale . Rose quickly said is there anything I can do for you , you ok? Jen put on a mask and said just the stomach flu its been going around lately, in her mind Jen hoped her friend would not realise she had been purging for the last few weeks.

Rose said you are sure you ok ? Jen annoyed and bad tempered said ya I am and if you don't mind I'm heading to my next class .With that she pushed past Rose out of the bathroom to head to her next class , Rose just stood shocked and very scared for her friend the way her friend was extremely thin scared her friend could eventually die she started to cry and immediately went to the nurses office .

The nurses office was very busy when she got there so Rose sat in a chair waiting for her turn to see the nurse after a 30 min wait the nurse came out of her office to call the next person in . Rose very nervous an worried walked with the nurse to the office once inside the nurse closed the door and sat down .*
Asked what can I do for you my dear ? and Rose quietly said I have this friend who is very sick and I'm not sure what to do I'm afraid that friend could possibly die. The nurse kindly handedRose a Kleenex and said you are not talking about yourself dear? .*

Rose nodded no and quickly started spewing her concerns out about her friend Jen .

[Casey.]

Hey there,

I'm going to move this to Self Expression, because I feel it will fit much better there and that you will get better answers there.

[Blair]

It's good conceptually and you have a good vocabulary and cadence to your writing. I would suggest that you be more deliberate/cautious with your sentence structure. Also, be careful not to repeat words within a sentence.