Blue Skies

[GoneBeyondRepair]

okay, so, this is another attempt at a songish thing. proabably sucks so bad, but id like any critiques, suggestions, or comments. i hope its not too bad

Christmas time
Its come again
Another year
Another lost friend
So Ill pretend Im alright
For just another night
Until the waves start chrashing down
Until theres no more sound

Ill be waiting here for you
Dreaming of nothing but skies blue
Youre my one wish
My one life
That Ill never get back
Because youve gone away
But theres so much to say
To you, to you
Let the skies be blue

Another fight
Another tear unshed
Another bite
Another dream wasted
But Im still callin
Still hopein
That youll come back again
Even though

Ill be waitin here for you
Dreamin of nothin but skies blue
Your my one wish
My one life
That Ill always want back
But youve gone away
While theres still so much to say
So Ill be waitin here for you
Let the skies be blue

I still wanna know you
Despite everything
I hate you sometimes
But I love you too

So Ill be waitin here for you
Until the skies here turn blue
Whel Ill have another wish
Another life
That Ill never need back
Yeah youve gone away
Theres nothin left to say
Im done wati for you
Now that the skies are blue

[escape_thereal_world]

For reading purposes, I would add a hyphen like this "Dreaming of nothing but skies - blue" Otherwise it just seems weird to read it as "skies blue". With the hyphen, you sort of get the idea it is describing the previous word.

But, I like it! It's beautiful and I could hear it in my head. It sounds awesome

[Soliloquy]

I really enjoyed this! It really conveys a lot of emotion. I have a few little suggestions, but you mentioned that this was a song and I don't know the tune. So, I'm critiquing purely from a poetic standpoint. I don't know if these suggestions would affect the song or not, so feel free to disregard them if need be!

Christmas time
Its come again
Another year
Another lost friend -- This part is great! The only thing is that the number of syllables sounds a little odd in comparison to the previous lines. Perhaps you want to reword it, such as "Lost a friend?"
So Ill pretend Im alright
For just another night
Until the waves start chrashing down
Until there is no more sound -- I feel like this just complements the rhythm of the poem

But there is so much to say

Another dream wasted -- This is just about the syllables again. Maybe you want to reword it as something like "Another dream fled?" Not sure, just a suggestion.

Like I said, fantastic poem/song!! Feel free to disregard any suggestions. Love it!

Keep writing!

[BruceLeeDemarcus]

Awe I love it! I really do! Great job!

[GoneBeyondRepair]

Escape: alright, that makes sence thanks

Soliloquy: thanks for the suggestions ill think about them and see if i like it like that or not

Rach: thanks cousin

[BruceLeeDemarcus]

ha ha you're wlecome! Mr. Andrews used to call me Rach!
Mr. Coll calls me Rach too!
luffs ya

[GoneBeyondRepair]

lol love you too Rach. i hope i see you soon! i miss you

[BruceLeeDemarcus]

luv ya too. I so miss you, i'm all alone without you in my area.

[GoneBeyondRepair]

i miss you too im lonely also cuz im not allowed to do anything

[Colored Shadows]

Hey guys!

Just a friendly reminder to please keep the thread on topic. If you'd like to continue this conversation among yourselves, please try our PM feature.

Thanks!

[Jennifer]

I like it i won't critque much when it comes to your poetry type or needs fixed i had people do that with that with my work then it ended up sucking.

[Dez]

I really like this and the emotion it conveys. This is my favourite part:

Ill be waiting here for you
Dreaming of nothing but skies blue
Youre my one wish