Need Some Opinions

[youbetheanchor]

Goodmorning everyone! My school has this literary magazine coming out where people can submit poems, short stories etc. I decided to give a short story a try and I'd like some opinions on it before I submit it.

(I'll also be submitting my "The Abyss" poem which can be found a few threads down)

White; but I speak not of colour. I speak of that pure-scientific-everything-as-one collective. I speak not of separation. I speak of continuations. The apex where every flower blossoms of their will. Of this, I speak:

Sunlight, as is customary here. A sacred silence shattered by the ringing, springing, and dinging of the three bells-- And should they miss the chime? Why they commit the crime of missing story time!

The 7 usual cherubs entered: Red, Bald, Hand, Sky, River, Hole, and Blaze. Greeted by The Elder, they each fall to their usual seats.
"Welcome" says The Elder
In unison, "Goodmorning Elder"
The Elder began story time just like any usual day. Today was not usual, though. It would be (SEE REPLY)

[youbetheanchor]

River's last session; he was gaining days, soon he would remember.
We all remembered eventually.

When The Elder concluded, the 7 left, as usual, but one entered-- I later came to know him as Shark.

"Excuse me, Elder, but that story you just told... I... I've heard it before"
"Ah, that's highly improbable my boy! It wa--"
"Elder enough! I was one of the 7. I sat in this room! I endured session after session swallowing tale after tale never grasping the concept! But I know that tale, for it is MINE!"

"You remember?"
"Yes, Elder, I remember my death"


-If you missed the idea, it's Heaven where the children that die are slowly told of their death and told to leave for fear they remember and ruin the program-- Thanks for reading!

[youbetheanchor]

Sorry to bump but I need some criticism so I can revise it by the deadline.

[Colored Shadows]

Jon, this is amazing. For one, I love the concept. It's very original and draws the reader in. I particularly love your opening sentence. It seems to be the perfect way to open such a piece. I honestly don't have many suggestions, for this is truly beautiful. Perhaps, though, you want to revisit your second sentence:

I speak of that pure-scientific-everything-as-one collective.

It sounds slightly wordy to me in comparison to the sentences that precede and follow it. But other than that, this is wonderful! Keep writing!

[youbetheanchor]

Thank you very much Kylie I will work on that! Have a great day