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Developing a crush on someone while in a relationship - December 16th 2017, 04:01 PM

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I know that this isn't an uncommon thing to have happen and I feel like it is likely even more common if a relationship is struggling a bit and mine is.

Years ago, I had a crush on someone and they were interested in me to some extent. This kind of heightened the crush but the person ended up getting into a relationship. I think one of the main reasons being neither of us really knew how to approach asking the other to hang out.

Anyway, we both kind of moved on or I thought we did. I have been in my relationship for quite some time and the crush like feelings I has for the person went away pretty much entirely.

I did stop kind of hanging out with friends for a variety of reasons and this person hangs out in the same place as my friends. So, I suppose not seeing them on a weekly basis helped with the feelings.

Recently I've started hanging out with my friends a bit more often and have been running into this person and the crush like feelings have come back and they've come back strongly.

I don't know if they would have if my relationship wasn't struggling.

Anyway, I find myself wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with this other person and what makes it even more difficult is that I am almost positive they no longer have a girlfriend.

I would never do anything to hurt my boyfriend. I don't really interact with this person and this person would never really overstep, either.

So, it's not really like I'm concerned about cheating.

I guess my concern is, do these intense feelings indicate that maybe my relationship isn't working out and I should explore more options? I know that if my boyfriend and I broke up there would be no guarantees that myself and this guy would get together and I can't figure out if I am okay with that.

I think if I could figure that out and figure out the reasoning behind that specific answer, I might be able to figure out what the best course of action is.

I know, maybe the simple solution would be to kind of avoid this person but I think I need to resolve this because, apparently, avoiding as I have been has contributed to this situation. Also, if I avoid the person I also end up not being able to hang out with friends and I know that I need to hang out with friends even if I don't really talk to them about everything.

I know there is that whole saying about liking two people at once but I don't really agree with that for a number of reasons but I also know I am not someone who would be able too or wanting to explore anything like an open or poly relationship.

So, in this instance, is there a way to figure this out and do what is best for myself and my boyfriend?

We are going to be doing some therapy sometime soon so is it something that a therapist could help with. Idk, I don't want to really let him know this is going on because I don't think my boyfriend would take it well and I think he'd be really hurt and think he is not good enough. Is this something that I'd eventually have to discuss with him and a counselor or is it something that could still be worked on effectively in individual therapy?[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]
   
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Re: Developing a crush on someone while in a relationship - December 30th 2017, 04:50 PM

[FONT="Palatino Linotype"][COLOR="DimGray"][SIZE="3"]I think that given you had a crush on this person before, and they liked you back, naturally when you started to see them again, it may bring up all these feelings. Even if your relationship was fine, maybe you'd still have some feelings for this person? And yes, you'd be surprised as to how common it can be when a person in a relationship finds they have feelings for someone else too.

Of course, if a relationship is hitting a rough patch, it may be another factor when finding out that you still have feelings for someone else. More so if you think this person is no longer in a relationship. It can be tempting to imagine what it would be like with them instead of your current partner. And these are just thoughts and fantasies, and it's okay to think about these things at times. It's good that you know you would never hurt your boyfriend though

Avoiding does seem like a simple solution, but then you wouldn't be able to hang out with friends much. And one person shouldn't affect your life so much as to not be able to be with friends. Maybe you can continue to hang out with friends, but if you find yourself thinking about this person when you see them, perhaps think of all their flaws and how things wouldn't work out, rather than feed into the fantasy (if you decide to try to work things out with you boyfriend and don't want this crush getting in the way).

I think the therapy could be helpful. It definitely seems like something a therapist could help with. It probably would be upsetting for your boyfriend to find out that you feel this way, so I understand not wanting to talk about it in therapy. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it all. I think talking about it in individual therapy could help, and then think about bringing it to couples therapy. It's good to be honest about things when they affect relationships, and if you talk about it in therapy, your therapist will be there to mediate things between you and your boyfriend (as opposed to if you told him outside of the therapy room).[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]


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