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Exclamation HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 5th 2014, 05:21 AM

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So a very close guy friend of mine and I have this flirtatious relationship and he recently entered a relationship while I have been committed to ine guy for 8 months. He and I always crushed on each other but never enough to act upon it... Thing is now he wants to start having secret casual sex! Behind our respective partner's backs! It's so odd. I am poly amorous but my bf isn't so I have trouble resisting myself especially with flirtin but I think sex would cross that line since he and I haven't had "it" yet.
Anyways, my friend is now insisting I shave, send pics of my ass, and telling me vulgar details that I wish he would tell his girl who truly cares about him. I don't wanna be "the girl" or labeled as a "whore" . My religious beliefs would go against denying him sex but I want to talk o my bf about tho but I can't cuz he is too far away and has no phone we see each other Friday, what do i do in the interim ?? Please help


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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 5th 2014, 05:49 AM

1) I think your title is misleading, as you're not actually being forced to do anything. Pressured? Sure. But not forced.
2) Everything you just said shows you don't want to do it. You're worried about your reputation, it sounds like you would consider that cheating on your boyfriend, & you sound uncomfortable with everything to begin with. So say no. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Especially since you have a boyfriend & this other guy seems to just want you for the sexual aspect. So just keep telling him no & stay clear of him if he keeps giving you problems.
   
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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 5th 2014, 05:56 AM

The first thing to do here is to distinguish is the difference between "forced" and "pressured." Someone is "forced" into something when another person uses threats, violence or other physical force to make a person do something non-consensually and against their expressed will. Someone is "pressured" when they feel uncomfortable with another person attempting to manipulate or encroach on their boundaries. Being pressured can be distressing, but the lack of immediate threat and physical harm makes it very, very different from being "forced" into having sex.

This person cannot make you send him pictures or tell him dirty details. He doesn't have the power to "insist" on anything. You, however, not only have the power in this situation but also the ability to take personal responsibility for yourself and the choices you make. If you have trouble "resisting yourself" it's your job to know that about yourself and take responsibility for that by removing yourself from situations and people you will be tempted by. If you make the choice not to do those things and enter into a situation that leads to hurting someone you care about, it's your responsibility to hold yourself accountable for making that choice and for how to make amends, rather than just saying you "just have trouble resisting yourself." It's a matter of taking an active stance in your life as opposed to just "letting" things and people happen to you, without exercising any personal power.

If you're non-monogamous and know this about yourself, it may beg the question what you are doing with someone who isn't non-monogamous if they are not aware of that fact and the two of you have not discussed this important part of your relationship, which I am assuming is the case there. Non-monogamous people CAN be in monogamous relationships, but that means that there are clear discussions about when and how they can still exercise their non-monogamy. This is part of that responsibility piece. If these sorts of things are not discussed and swept under the rug, then you are not practicing ethical non-monogamy: non-monogamy where everyone has consented to what's going on, including this guy's girlfriend. If you make the choice to have sex with this person without telling your boyfriend it's not because you are non-monogamous; it's because you made the choice to cheat on him instead of communicating clearly with him. Again, take responsibility for your choices and actions.

My recommendation would be to make the choice to be honest and not cheat, assuming your boyfriend doesn't know about and does not support you being non-monogamous in your relationship with him. Tell this guy that you are not okay with what he is asking you to do. Make the responsible choice to be direct and to not send pictures or listen to him tell you dirty details about his sex life. Talk to your boyfriend. If you cannot wait to make a decision about something as serious to your relationships as this until Friday then that is a problem in and of itself.

So, in summary, I would recommend choosing to be faithful and directly telling this guy that you don't appreciate his advances and want him to stop and, after that, choosing whether or not to talk to your boyfriend about it.

On a side note, I am not sure what religion dictates that a woman cannot deny a man sex, but no matter what a religious doctrine says, you always have the right to make decisions about your own body and provide active consent when it comes to all sexual activities. You never, ever have to have sex with someone because they ask you to.


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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 5th 2014, 01:59 PM

I agree with the others, it doesn't sound like you're being forced into anything so I would be careful about using that word. Regardless of whether you're okay with having sex with more than one partner at a time, your boyfriend isn't okay with that. It would be very wrong of you to go behind his back and have sex with someone else, that would more than likely end with you being labelled as a whore.

The question is, do you really want to do anything sexual with this other guy? Only you can answer this question. If you do want it you're going to want to really think about how to go about doing it. Like I said, if you have sex with him while you're still dating your current boyfriend, you will be labelled as a cheater by many people, and same again if he's still with his partner.

As for what you do before you get a chance to see your boyfriend, do nothing. Don't do anything with this other guy, don't send him pictures and don't see him. If he's too 'irresistible' to you then it would be wrong of you to put yourself in that situation. Wait until you speak to your boyfriend next and let him know these issues and try and work out what you want. You should really let him know that you want to have sex with more than one person at once and see how he feels about that because that might be a deal breaker for him.

All in all you need to have a good think and speak with your boyfriend.



   
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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 5th 2014, 04:19 PM

He was forcing me... I know he would physically hold on to me if we saw each other. I was SCARED to go to school today because this... So sorry if my definitions of forced (ie feeling as if there is no way out) is different than yours. Anyways, little history is that I was sexually used for a year a half, mostly by older men. I have become highly desensitized to sexual advances and often to protect myself from physical or emotional harm would play along until I could escape the situation. I was always single throughout that time and none of those men were ever my friends.
One problem with saying I don't like him or his advances, I do like them or rather Thot I did and through religious practice believed that a consummation of our love would happen but I never Thot He would work so fast.
I have only briefly discussed my non manogamous tendencies with my boyfriend and he felt threatened by it and so, until I realized my feelings towards this guy, we were in the clear.
Sorry if anyone came here looking I console a beat up girl being raped, I wouldn't have put in this forum if that had been my story. Thanks for all your kind and helpful advice


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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 6th 2014, 05:57 PM

Hey, if you had been raped, don't be afraid to post it on the forum. Maybe you do have the proper support services and the right people by your side giving you help and helping you recover. But a bit of anonymity never hurts, plus you could talk more elaborately (as hard as it may be) about things you wouldn't want to say face-to-face or with your voice even.

Anyways, I would confront this guy bluntly. Stand up to him and say "No, I am not doing this. Think about your girlfriend, she loves you!" and then stay away from him. If the temptation to flirt and maybe even more with him is too much, then he's not the one you should be hanging out with. He's not a good friend if he's asking you to do these things for him.

Best of luck!
   
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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 6th 2014, 06:46 PM

Ok, there's a lot of parts to this problem so I'm going to try to address them one by one, let me know if I leave anything out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
So a very close guy friend of mine and I have this flirtatious relationship and he recently entered a relationship while I have been committed to ine guy for 8 months. He and I always crushed on each other but never enough to act upon it... Thing is now he wants to start having secret casual sex! Behind our respective partner's backs! It's so odd.
On a simple level, you're both in relationships and he wants you to secretly have casual sex with him. From what I understand this is against the terms and boundaries of both of your relationships with your respective partners. Don't do it. If you really DID want to have sex with him then breaking up with your boyfriend (or renegotiating the boundaries of your relationship) would be far, far better than going behind his back. Doing this will not only hurt your boyfriend but also your friend's own partner. Be very wary of anything that is anything other than honesty pure and simple. Having to lie to someone you love to please your friend is not a good sign.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
I am poly amorous but my bf isn't so I have trouble resisting myself especially with flirtin but I think sex would cross that line since he and I haven't had "it" yet.
I would strongly, STRONGLY suggest discussing the boundaries of your relationship with your boyfriend. Is flirting ok? Is having sex with other partners as long as you use protection and communicate about it ok? Talking about these things is important, otherwise, it can lead to hurt feelings and drama on both parts. This isn't directly related to your friend but this part of your post stuck out to me for this reason.

Now, back to your not-a-good-friend friend:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
Anyways, my friend is now insisting I shave, send pics of my ass, and telling me vulgar details that I wish he would tell his girl who truly cares about him.
This is very much Not Okay for him to do if it's something that is making you uncomfortable.

He has no right to insist that you do anything to your body or appearance. If you don't want to shave that's none of his business.

He has no right to request pictures of you that you do not want to send.

He has no right to break your boundaries by telling you details you don't want to talk to him about.

He's not a good friend. He's not showing to be someone you would ever want to have sex with, because the best people to do it with are people who respect you and your boundaries, not people who feel entitled to you and your body and ignore you when something is making you uncomfortable instead of simply just not doing whatever it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
I don't wanna be "the girl" or labeled as a "whore" .
I think it's important to note that it's not ok to label people as "whores", "sluts", etc. because of what they do in private and that what people do when they have sex, as long as they're respectful of everyone involved and everyone is consenting and happy, is fine and ok and doesn't make them bad people in any way.

However, if your're a teenager then I understand why you'd be worried about getting in trouble with other people for this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
My religious beliefs would go against denying him sex
I'm not trying to be judgemental but this sounds messed up. Look, having religious beliefs if that makes you happy and brings you solace and peace is great and all, I'm not hating on that. HOWEVER, ANY religions that tell you that you can't deny someone else sex? That is something I would be very, VERY wary of.

You have the right to deny sex to people you don't want to have sex with. That's it. Period. End of discussion. There are no buts, no maybes. If you don't want to have sex with someone then nobody and nothing has the right to force you or pressure you or making you feel like you have to in any way. It's your body, it's your physical and mental well being, and you have all the right in the world to it. Anyone who tells you that you have to have sex with someone else or makes you feel that way is WRONG.

It's great that you want to discuss things with your bf first but I think the main thing here is: your friend is not a good friend and is completely in the wrong here. You don't owe him sex and if he's making you feel that way he's wrong.

Having sex should be your decision and you should decide based on what makes you and your partner feel safe and happy and enjoy it. Anyone who tries to blackmail you into it or feels entitled is not ok.

From reading your other posts it sounds like he's acting in an increasingly threatening manner and making you feel afraid of attending school. I seriously, seriously suggest that you seek out the help of someone you trust to help you with this. I recommend:

1) A friend who can help you and support you on this.
2) An adult. Now this may sound bad but hear me out. This adult can be anyone from a hotline or support group in your area, to a teacher or counsellor, a parent, a friend's parent... basically someone who can have your back. You don't have to give out any details you don't feel comfortable giving out but something like: "There's a guy who was my friend and he has been pressuring me about having sex behind our partners' back to the point where I feel unsafe going to school". Even that would be enough. I understand that not all adults are very supportive, but if it's something that is beginning to be dangerous for you and making you unable to attend school, then it's something someone should help you with.

I hope this helps.


   
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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 10th 2014, 05:05 AM

Thank you skyways and Usernames Suck. I am scared of this guy because I don't feel I will be able to control myself at times. By religious beliefs it wasn't tat the religion dictates so but the fact that I had asked that this occur an then turn it down would sinful. It was a fantasy but nonetheless I had wanted it. I am only 16, and I worry my parents would not approve of me having sex. It's not fair but thy say I have to wait until I am 18. Anyways, I am just trying to settle this and tomorrow I am gonna tell him enough is enough. Or he roped into having sex, I can't know until I come to the situations I am worried and frightened but I don't know what to do. As I know it is a fear of mine to be abandoned by the males in my life that I have developed an attachment to and losing him, even after all the shit he has done would be traumatizing.


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Re: HELP IM BEING FORCED TO HAVE CASUAL SEX - March 11th 2014, 04:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
I am scared of this guy because I don't feel I will be able to control myself at times.
Whether you're able to control yourself or not, don't blame yourself for this. His behaviour is disrespectful and out of line and you have every right to not wish to see him. I do think that if you're afraid but he's not forcing you then that's different from feeling pressured, but it's still an issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
By religious beliefs it wasn't tat the religion dictates so but the fact that I had asked that this occur an then turn it down would sinful.
Again, turning down sex is NOT sinful. It a VALID decision. It's your body. If you're not into someone and turn them down? Not sinful. If you're attracted to someone but don't want to have sex? Not sinful. If you're about to have sex and have second thoughts? Not sinful. Whoever told you this is wrong, sorry to tell you, but your body is your body and it doesn't matter the situation, you have a completely valid right to refuse to have sex with someone for any reason. If you don't want to have sex then you're not wrong for saying so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
It was a fantasy but nonetheless I had wanted it.
First, a fantasy isn't necessarily something you want, or that you want in any way. There are people who fantasize about having sex with certain people or in certain circumstances that they don't necessarily want to act out on. And again, even if you did want to act it out but don't feel comfortable enough with him, you're not wrong for saying no.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
I am only 16, and I worry my parents would not approve of me having sex. It's not fair but thy say I have to wait until I am 18.
I don't believe that this is a choice your parents should make for you. However, if going against their wishes makes you uncomfortable or if you agree with them, then don't do it. You should be comfortable when you have sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
Anyways, I am just trying to settle this and tomorrow I am gonna tell him enough is enough. Or he roped into having sex, I can't know until I come to the situations I am worried and frightened but I don't know what to do.
Like I said, you don't have to see him in person and there's many other things you can do, like seeking out help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylinagigirox2012 View Post
As I know it is a fear of mine to be abandoned by the males in my life that I have developed an attachment to and losing him, even after all the shit he has done would be traumatizing.
Ok. Let's talk about this for a second here.

Being afraid of being abandoned is valid, especially if it stems from other issues. I understand that it can make it difficult to assert yourself even when you're uncomfortable, and it's not your fault you have these issues and it's certainly not your fault if someone exploits you. Likewise, it's not your fault that this guy claims to be your friend but is constantly disrespecting you.

However, this is a situation where it's best to just cut him out. It may seem difficult to do and I don't blame you for struggling with it, but the consequences of having sex when you don't want to just because you're afraid of losing him will be more painful in the long run. This guy is not your friend. This guy does not want the best for you. This guy is not a good person to have in your life.

I seriously recommend talking to someone about this, both the situation and your issues. Is there a counsellor at your school? Can you see a therapist or psychologist? Those are good options you can try, let me know if you need advice on going about that or convincing your parents, etc. If not, there are probably hotlines in your area that you can call or abuse support groups that you can visit that help people who are stuck with unhealthy relationships and friendships. Do not hesitate to seek out those resources and let me know if you need help researching some that are local to you.


   
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