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I can't say no - May 11th 2014, 05:23 PM

Hello guys,

I have this problem, when a guy that is good looking approaches me and wants to hook up, I just can't say no. I smile, we chit-chat and the next thing I know, he is all over me. I always make the same mistake and I regret it strait away, but I keep doing it.

Last night, I hooked up with a boy, I was a bit drunk and now I feel stupid for doing it again.
I always hook up with some popular, really good looking guys but I just feel like I'm not good enough, like I'll never find a boyfriend and I always doubt that as I am, emotionally and mentally fu*ked up, nobody will ever love me, the real me.

I mistake love and physical contact and I just can't say no because I don't want them to feel stupid or hurt them. It sounds stupid, I know, but any advice on how should I act in situations like this and as simple as no sounds, how to say it?


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Re: I can't say no - May 11th 2014, 05:46 PM

You just need to say no. There isn't anything we can do to help you do that, you just need to get the self respect and motivation to tell them no. You will be faced with temptations during your life, like this, and you need to know how to say no to them. You'll end up getting a reputation and it might be harder for you to get a real boyfriend.



   
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Re: I can't say no - May 13th 2014, 04:58 AM

First of all, it's not stupid. You recognize you have a problem and you are asking for help, and that takes courage and self-awareness. That's not "stupid," and you are not stupid for asking. So let's take that word out of play.

You are not alone in using sex as a means of tapering your self worth. However, you are smart enough to recognize that this is a harmful behavior. Physical affection, and even romantic relationships, cannot truly assuage feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy. Sex will perhaps distract you from them temporarily, as you know. Relationships will distract you as long as things are good with your SO, but as soon as they aren't good your feelings will come crashing down again. While external love can help us feel like we have worth, true and sustainable feelings of worth come from inside. Without a core belief that you are worth loving, it will be difficult to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

If you don't see one already, I would consider seeing a therapist to help you work through why you feel "emotionally and mentally f*cked up." More likely than not these beliefs cause you more harm than just making poor decisions about physical intimacy, and working through them could improve many areas of your life.

As for not wanting to "hurt" people's feelings by rejecting their sexual advances: your body is yours. You have the right to decide what you do with it and who you share it with. Other people's advances or requests to have access to it do not mean you have to acquiesce. Deciding to have sex isn't about helping someone else "feel" better; it's about genuinely wanting to experience that level of intimacy with someone. That decision is independent of the other person's feelings, and their opinion on whether you "should" want to sleep with them is irrelevant. This is about you and empowering yourself. It's important to stand up for what YOU want and not just cater other people's feelings. Your body is as personal as you can get, and if you cannot set proper boundaries regarding it, you are going to be unable to set proper boundaries with people in other areas of your life.

It will be your task, should you choose to empower yourself, to work on saying "no" to people when they ask to hook up with you. Again, working on feelings of worthlessness will help you build better boundaries with people and help you create a positive self-image.



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Re: I can't say no - May 13th 2014, 07:41 PM

You're not being stupid, you just want attention (a bit of selfishness is ok from time to time, remember that!) and love. But it is important to know how and when to say the word no. You will find someone who appreciates you for you, not for your body or the pleasure you give them. Just give it time.
   
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Re: I can't say no - May 15th 2014, 08:12 AM

Have you considered seeking counseling for self-esteem issues? While hooking up is completely fine, it's not what you want, and you seem to have a problem in assertiveness and prioritizing yourself. I had to go to therapy for the same thing; my issues don't come with hooking up with men, but I have a hard time saying no to people of higher power than me, and I always end up overworked by my bosses and stuff. Anything with uneven power dynamics (which unfortunately, in our culture, men frequently have power over women) can turn to feeling obliged for favors. It's important to learn how to assert yourself, and counselors can help you a lot with that.


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