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-   -   Triggering (Abuse): Sexual sadism? I'm really scared (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f6-sex-puberty/t131799-sexual-sadism-im-really-scared/)

Serendipity22 July 31st 2014 03:11 AM

Sexual sadism? I'm really scared
 
I am a fourteen-year-old female-bodied genderqueer individual. I'm sexually oriented (mostly) towards female-bodied people. I'm currently on vacation, so I can't talk to my therapist (no service for my cell, forgot her email). I masturbate very frequently, 5-9 orgasms a day, and I'm really scared because when I am masturbating my most arousing fantasies are ones where I'm raping/abusing girls around my age, especially this one girl I've had a crush on for a while (she's straight and turned me down when I asked her out). I'm still a virgin, I've never had a sexual partner before, so I've never acted on any fantasies. But besides in my sexual mind I don't want to hurt anything and I think everything has the right to live without fear. I suppose you could say I'm not an overall sadist, just a sexual sadist.

I'm really afraid that I'm going to hurt my future sexual partners or people that I'm strongly attracted to, like if we're alone together. I don't know what to do. Should I supress these fantasies? Should I find some literotica or something with a healthier narrative than sadomasochism when I masturbate?

Ambedo. July 31st 2014 05:21 AM

Re: Sexual sadism? I'm really scared
 
I think the most important thing here is to recognize that this is a fantasy and be able to separate that from reality. You seem to be doing a decent job of that and it doesn't sound like you have any real desires to bring harm to people you know in your personal life, such as the girl that you have a crush on. Because of that, I don't really see a reason to suppress the fantasies, as long as you do not act on them. Holding onto that mindset will prove extremely helpful to you, as it will help you to center yourself and bring yourself back to reality when you are having sexually sadistic thoughts. As long as it stays a fantasy, it can't cause anyone any harm.

When you are ready to be intimate with someone, this is something that you need to bring up. While it might be a bit of an awkward conversation, it's definitely a necessary one. I'm sure that the last thing you would want would be to scare someone if you started to unconsciously integrate parts of your fantasies into reality. Sometimes, people will be okay with a certain level of BDSM, which is an important thing to learn in situations like this. Also, I would advise you and your future partner to come up with a "safe word" that can be used if things start to get a little too rough. While that might be a long way in the future, it is something that you should think about now, so you are prepared when you do choose to have sex with someone.

MWF July 31st 2014 06:32 AM

Re: Sexual sadism? I'm really scared
 
I dont really know if I can help that much, but get back to your therapist when you can, and in the meantime, dont look at literotica... I used to do that and it only fed my mososacadism (complete opposite of sacadism). Dont act out anything unless youve had a serious talk with a committed partner about it either.

THE FAPMAN July 31st 2014 12:35 PM

Re: Sexual sadism? I'm really scared
 
errr. Ill call you mate since i call everyone mate.
Look mate. Raping and abusing women is wrong. You know that. Im not sure if you heard of BDSM. Thats basically BD (bondage and discipline), DS (dominative and submissive), SM (sadism and masochism). Some Doms are sadists. Hell i think im a sadist. But, its about the act of it. You can be a sadist and have a successful relationship, as long as its in the bedroom and it has its own limits. Ive met masochist girls in the past, and ive met couples where the Dom is a sadist and the submissive is a masochist. All of them work perfectly as long as the sadism and the masochism is "in the bedroom". If you feel like the only thing you feel about girls than you should get some help. I advise you to talk to your therapist as soon as youre home. He/she can help you understand it more. :) And besides, they are only fantasies. If you can imagine yourself having sexual intercourse with a girl without raping or abusing her while enjoying it, you should be just fine. ^^

taylalatbh. July 31st 2014 02:34 PM

Re: Sexual sadism? I'm really scared
 
I think it should be fairly obvious here that your fantasies, if done in the real world, are wrong. No female, or even male, should be raped or abused. That being said, if you and a partner are both consenting, whatever you do in the bedroom is your business.

It's normal to have some 'strange' fantasies that arouse you but as long as any harmful ones stay as fantasies (unless consented) then you're not doing anything wrong. When you're with your next partner, just be honest about your sexual fantasies. That way you'll know if they would be open to role-playing the things that you like. But like I said, they just need to consent.

You can masturbate to whatever you want (within reason, of course), and if it's a bit raunchier than most then just keep it to yourself. Masturbation is a fairly personal thing so it's okay to keep it to yourself. When you're back from your vacation, speak to your therapist and see what she would advise too, it's good to have options.

Always * July 31st 2014 02:40 PM

Re: Sexual sadism? I'm really scared
 
Lots of people like some "light" smacking or choking in bed, to me it is not my thing but because it is a thing that people supposedly like, as long as it is communicated, consensual, and emphasis on the "light" cause no one should ever be hurt during sex. So I'm not sure that I would necessarily think that this is always a "wrong" thing to do fantasize about during sex because it seems so widely accepted (in a very light moderate form).... But I think it's one of those things where, if I am being honest, it should be avoided in "real life" because it would be to easy to cross a line and I believe that actually acting it out creates a dominant and submissive and I don't believe that such inequalities should be created within a relationship, even if it is only in the bedroom.

Additionally, I think that taking it to rape and abuse is probably crossing that line I mentioned, which I am grateful is a line you are able to recognize. I think that recognizing that it is not a healthy ideal, maybe, is a good start, and sorry if that sounds harsh but I can't think of other words for what I am thinking.

But I don't want you to think that you can't have a healthy relationship. You can! Lots of people have healthy relationships even if they are sadists!

What I think might help is if you speak with your therapist. She/he might be able to give you an idea of how you can control the urges or maybe so that your sexuality isn't directly linked to such violence, maybe she'll know how to help you still like what you like but make it "safer" (like light smacking) and that way you won't be afraid of your fantasies, and thus what might happen in real life. Hopefully your therapist can help with such a thing. I'd love to help more with that, but I would definitely be out of my depth with redirecting your thoughts, I just thought it might be good for the therapist :)

If you need to talk to someone, PM me though ok :)


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