Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!

Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

Closed Thread
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Cleo_Love Offline
Welcome me, I'm new!
Cleo_Love's Avatar
Name: Cleo
Age: 17
Gender: Female
Location: Cincinnati

Posts: 12
Join Date: November 7th 2016

Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 8th 2016, 04:40 PM

I was molested by my older brother when I was eight, so I don't view sex or any kind of sexual activity as a golden glory. Instead I see it as the most horrible thing ever.
My boyfriend wants to have sex when we get older and I don't. He says that sex is an emotional bond he wants to have with me. I believe him, he's a really passionate person and is the kind of guy to express his emotions physically. But usually when we discuss the topic we end up fighting because I feel like we don't need sex in our relationship but he does.
He just wants me to consider it and feels like I'm being stubborn because I won't. I've told him about my brother molesting me so he understands why I feel the way I do and he tries his best to have patience with me when I refuse to listen and shut him out. But I just don't get it and I still feel like sex isn't needed.

I'm not really a survivor, I'm just the remains of a shitty past and nothing more
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Ambedo. Offline
I'm as sane as I ever was.

Outside, huh?
Ambedo.'s Avatar
Name: Sam
Age: 25
Gender: Female

Posts: 3,573
Blog Entries: 26
Join Date: July 20th 2011

Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 8th 2016, 06:32 PM

Hey Cleo,

I'm sorry to hear that you were molested by your brother. I can't even imagine how traumatic of an experience that must have been for you. It definitely makes sense that it has shaped your view of sex as a whole and has made it a less than desirable activity for you.

Sex is often seen as an important part of a relationship because of the intimacy that it brings between the two people. When there is passion and emotion behind sex, it can strengthen the connection that you have with your partner because of the fact that you have shared such an emotional, intimate experience. However, sex isn't necessary to achieve intimacy in a relationship. Intimacy can look different to everyone and the levels of intimacy in your relationship are best defined by you and your partner.

It's great that your partner is willing to be patient with you and hear what you are saying regarding sex. However, if sex is something that he views as extremely important to the relationship, that's something that the two of you really need to discuss. If it's something you're comfortable with, perhaps the two of you can talk about ways to work toward sex instead of jumping right into it. If it's something you're 100% against (which is completely okay), that's also a conversation that needs to be had so the two of you can figure out where to go from there.

Take care,

wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Coffee. Offline
Condom Queen
TeenHelp Addict
Coffee.'s Avatar
Name: Traci
Age: 27
Gender: she/her/hers
Location: North Carolina

Posts: 8,147
Blog Entries: 639
Join Date: October 29th 2009

Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 8th 2016, 07:35 PM

For some people, sex is not important for a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for everyone. Needs in a relationship can fall into four categories: necessary (things they need), bonuses (things they want but are not required), tolerable (things they don't want but can live with), and deal breakers (things they cannot tolerate). For many people, sex falls into a necessary category and it is something they need in a relationship. You need to establish where it falls for you. If this is a deal-breaker, you may need to evaluate the longevity of the relationship. He is not a bad person for having that need, nor are you bad for being repulsed by sex. But your needs may not be congruent.

If you think that this issue is influenced by your trauma and might be changeable with therapy or with time, communicate that with him! But for some, they never become interested in sex, and that is okay too.

I said to the sun, "Tell me about the big bang"
& the sun said “it hurts to become."
Andrea Gibson, "I Sing The Body Electric; Especially When My Power Is Out"
  Send a message via MSN to Coffee.  
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
_Headphones_ Offline
Music Lover

Outside, huh?
_Headphones_'s Avatar
Name: Frankie<3
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: Lost in the music.

Posts: 4,390
Blog Entries: 28
Join Date: January 7th 2009

Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 9th 2016, 02:50 AM

I totally understand where you are coming from in a sense. I can sext and talk about wanting to have sex but as soon as it becomes a real possibility I freak out and cut contact with that person.

Anyways for some people sex is important in a relationship because they feel like they can connect with you better. For others they think physical contact like kissing, hugging, holding hands is enough.

Honestly if he can't listen to what you have to say maybe you could write him a letter to explain what your feeling and how you don't think you guys need sex. Also in my opinion you guys are only fourteen well at least you are and you have a lot of time before you even really should worry about that part in relationships.

If he really can't accept your answer maybe you should take a good look at the relationship and see if it's worth continuing when you know you don't agree on the sex part or if you feel like he might push and push and something may end up happening maybe the relationship isn't right for you. I would take a good look at the relationship if he still continues on not understanding you. Because trust me there will be a guy out there that will understand that you can't give them that now or maybe ever and they are okay with it.

If you ever need to talk I am always a PM/VM away
Always, Essa

Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
|Member 2007||Senior Community Mentor||Social Media Guru||Resource & Newsletter Editor||Writer||Chat Mod|
|Forum Mod: LGBT, Sexuality and gender identity, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Peer Pressure and Bullying, Disability, Good Days, Friends & Family|

  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Welcome me, I'm new!
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Location: UK

Posts: 16
Join Date: October 27th 2016

Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 9th 2016, 01:02 PM

Hiya Cloe so sorry to hear what happened to you, It should never happen to any girl or boy, you did not say if you told anyone about it like parents, older siblings, teacher, doctor or nurse.
Its good you had the courage to tell your boyfriend and you can trust him to keep it to himself. You DONT need sex to have an emotional bond so do not get pushed into doing something you do not want to do, Its YOUR body and YOUR decision what to do and when to do it. Your not being stubborn Your taking control of your life and thats what you need to keep doing, until whenever the time is right for you. Your boyfriend needs to stop putting pressure on you and making out its your fault your not having sex.
Cleo the last sentence of your post and I quote "But I just don't get it and I still feel like sex isn't needed" You are so so right sex is not needed, Just to please someone,
You and only you can say when the time is right an you can move on.
So Cleo don't get pressured into anything.
Hope everything works out for you.

***** SMOOTH IS BEST *****

  (#6 (permalink)) Old
jade92 Offline
Welcome me, I'm new!
jade92's Avatar

Posts: 6
Join Date: November 22nd 2016

Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 22nd 2016, 06:29 AM

For some people, sex is very important in a relationship as they think it will bring you close to each other.
Tell him your thoughts regarding sex and ask him for some time. If he doesn't listen then you should give a second thought to your relationship.
Closed Thread


factor, important, relationship, relationship problems, sex, sex issues

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

All material copyright ©1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.