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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Cleo_Love Offline
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Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 8th 2016, 04:40 PM

I was molested by my older brother when I was eight, so I don't view sex or any kind of sexual activity as a golden glory. Instead I see it as the most horrible thing ever.
My boyfriend wants to have sex when we get older and I don't. He says that sex is an emotional bond he wants to have with me. I believe him, he's a really passionate person and is the kind of guy to express his emotions physically. But usually when we discuss the topic we end up fighting because I feel like we don't need sex in our relationship but he does.
He just wants me to consider it and feels like I'm being stubborn because I won't. I've told him about my brother molesting me so he understands why I feel the way I do and he tries his best to have patience with me when I refuse to listen and shut him out. But I just don't get it and I still feel like sex isn't needed.


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Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 8th 2016, 06:32 PM

Hey Cleo,

I'm sorry to hear that you were molested by your brother. I can't even imagine how traumatic of an experience that must have been for you. It definitely makes sense that it has shaped your view of sex as a whole and has made it a less than desirable activity for you.

Sex is often seen as an important part of a relationship because of the intimacy that it brings between the two people. When there is passion and emotion behind sex, it can strengthen the connection that you have with your partner because of the fact that you have shared such an emotional, intimate experience. However, sex isn't necessary to achieve intimacy in a relationship. Intimacy can look different to everyone and the levels of intimacy in your relationship are best defined by you and your partner.

It's great that your partner is willing to be patient with you and hear what you are saying regarding sex. However, if sex is something that he views as extremely important to the relationship, that's something that the two of you really need to discuss. If it's something you're comfortable with, perhaps the two of you can talk about ways to work toward sex instead of jumping right into it. If it's something you're 100% against (which is completely okay), that's also a conversation that needs to be had so the two of you can figure out where to go from there.

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Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 8th 2016, 07:35 PM

For some people, sex is not important for a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for everyone. Needs in a relationship can fall into four categories: necessary (things they need), bonuses (things they want but are not required), tolerable (things they don't want but can live with), and deal breakers (things they cannot tolerate). For many people, sex falls into a necessary category and it is something they need in a relationship. You need to establish where it falls for you. If this is a deal-breaker, you may need to evaluate the longevity of the relationship. He is not a bad person for having that need, nor are you bad for being repulsed by sex. But your needs may not be congruent.

If you think that this issue is influenced by your trauma and might be changeable with therapy or with time, communicate that with him! But for some, they never become interested in sex, and that is okay too.


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Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 9th 2016, 02:50 AM

I totally understand where you are coming from in a sense. I can sext and talk about wanting to have sex but as soon as it becomes a real possibility I freak out and cut contact with that person.

Anyways for some people sex is important in a relationship because they feel like they can connect with you better. For others they think physical contact like kissing, hugging, holding hands is enough.

Honestly if he can't listen to what you have to say maybe you could write him a letter to explain what your feeling and how you don't think you guys need sex. Also in my opinion you guys are only fourteen well at least you are and you have a lot of time before you even really should worry about that part in relationships.

If he really can't accept your answer maybe you should take a good look at the relationship and see if it's worth continuing when you know you don't agree on the sex part or if you feel like he might push and push and something may end up happening maybe the relationship isn't right for you. I would take a good look at the relationship if he still continues on not understanding you. Because trust me there will be a guy out there that will understand that you can't give them that now or maybe ever and they are okay with it.

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Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 9th 2016, 01:02 PM

Hiya Cloe so sorry to hear what happened to you, It should never happen to any girl or boy, you did not say if you told anyone about it like parents, older siblings, teacher, doctor or nurse.
Its good you had the courage to tell your boyfriend and you can trust him to keep it to himself. You DONT need sex to have an emotional bond so do not get pushed into doing something you do not want to do, Its YOUR body and YOUR decision what to do and when to do it. Your not being stubborn Your taking control of your life and thats what you need to keep doing, until whenever the time is right for you. Your boyfriend needs to stop putting pressure on you and making out its your fault your not having sex.
Cleo the last sentence of your post and I quote "But I just don't get it and I still feel like sex isn't needed" You are so so right sex is not needed, Just to please someone,
You and only you can say when the time is right an you can move on.
So Cleo don't get pressured into anything.
Hope everything works out for you.
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Re: Why does sex seem to be an important factor in a relationship? - November 22nd 2016, 06:29 AM

For some people, sex is very important in a relationship as they think it will bring you close to each other.
Tell him your thoughts regarding sex and ask him for some time. If he doesn't listen then you should give a second thought to your relationship.
   
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