TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Juliet.C Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Juliet.C's Avatar
 
Name: Juliet
Gender: Female
Location: NooYork

Posts: 13
Join Date: April 14th 2017

Exclamation My bf fingered me - April 14th 2017, 11:41 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey guys..I got mixed feelings right now...
I am 17 and my bf is 19...
So...it happened yesterday...
My boyfriend and I were cuddling and kissing and stuff in my bedroom jus yesterday, we were both out of control and outta our minds. We gone wild. I...kind of physically seduced him and of cuz he was sexually excited. A few moments later he asked if it's okay to touch me, I said yeah...it would be okay as long as he doesn't take off my shirt.
So he untied my bra, and touched my boobs. Well, to be very honest, it felt kind of great and pleasant..so I didn't stop him.
He then took off my shirt, it's weird that I didn't even resist even though it made me totally insecure and ashamed while being revealed without my shirt...but I just raised up my arms and let him took it off. He didn't know I might not like it...
Later on he reached his hands into my jeans and took them off, as I permitted him to do so...he then sucked his fingers into my vagina and I was so overwhelmed at first cuz I didn't even expect that.
I thought he was jus gonna simply touch me but he fingered me.
I wasn't quick enough to react before he did that pushing back and forth in my vagina, and the only thing I could do was grabbing onto sth and moaning as I am a virgin and didn't know a damn thing about these kind of sexual activites..
I tried to help him masturbate, too.
But I failed, I jus dunno how to, well, I dun really wanna know how to.
The thing is, I actually, frankly speaking, felt kind of pleasant and excited when he was fingering me, I also felt great while he touched me...well I guess everyone in love would like to feel loved and owned in some sort of way?
But afterwards, almost immediately, I felt so effing ashamed and guilty.
It was jus as though I was sexually assaulted, raped, that kind of thing.
I dun understand why I felt that way, but I'm sure that I felt guilty because I don't think we are supposed to do that as we have just been dating for 1 month and God we are both Christians...
I just felt like I'm so damn dirty, but at the same time I enjoyed the sexual thing...
I don't want our relationship to turn from pure love to sex,
becuz it won't last long that way.
And come on we have been secretly in love with each other for 1.5 years, I didn't know we would progress that fast after starting dating but well we did..
Erh I don't know what to do...I don't wanna hurt his feelings and I can't point the blame on him anyway becuz I actually allowed him to do it.
Jus that I have been thinking about this thing and couldn't get that just outta my mind, it was haunting me, I felt so afraid and insecure.
I am fu*ked up...
someone please gimme some advice..
I know I have to confess to him eventually,
although he apologized last night.
We both know we were out of control and we agreed to control ourselves, that we wouldn't allow the same sort of things to happen again,
but I know there's no going back,
like once we started, then that's it.
Once, twice, and trice.
I don't know...urgh I just wanna go back to the good old days, when we love each other without lusting each other,
when we totally respected each other and never crossed the boundaries..
Damn
what's really going on inside me...?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
Member
Senior TeenHelper
*******
 
Jess~'s Avatar
 
Name: jess
Age: 20
Gender: chick with an imaginary dick
Location: hell

Posts: 908
Blog Entries: 10
Join Date: November 26th 2012

Re: My bf fingered me - April 14th 2017, 04:25 PM

First of all, he took off your shirt even though you specifically set that boundary and said it was the only boundary you had. Sure, you enjoyed it and didn't reject it, but that just taught him that he can cross a boundary without you objecting. I don't want to scare you at all, but what boundary is next? What if you said he could do everything but have sex with you, and he tried to cross that boundary as well?
If you say no, mean no. Letting him do something you specifically said not to do lets him know that he can do something you didn't want him to, without you doing anything about it. It's fine that it felt good, but what if it didn't? Then would him crossing this boundary be wrong?
Juliet, it is OKAY to voice your opinion, probably even more so in sexual situations. If it made you feel ashamed and made you feel insecure, it is more than okay to tell him that. I get that you're "in the moment" and what not, but even though it may seem weird to talk about it, if you feel uncomfortable, he should know you feel uncomfortable.

Now, touching, to some people, could mean fingering as well. So I don't think he purposefully did something he didn't know if you'd be okay with. However, like I said above, it is okay for you to say stop. And I know it's so easy in the moment to lose sight of your morals and how you're actually emotionally feeling. That's because sex is natural. We are only animals, and we were given sex drives for a reason. There is nothing wrong with acting on them, and I don't want you to feel guilty for this.
(I don't want to make this about me at all, but I used to be super religious until I found myself in a similar dilemma. And while I respect that you have religious beliefs about this sort of thing, religion does tend to go against our natural human instincts, sometimes.)

I can also definitely relate to the guilt you say you felt right after this happened, and unfortunately that's probably because of the stigma religion holds against sex. Hell, some people even feel guilty after masturbation because of this.
I'm definitely not saying to go against your morals, but I will say again that sex is simply a natural instinct. It's fine to stop it and hold it off until marriage or until the relationship is deeper, but it is also fine to feel urges and lust and get pleasure from these sorts of activities.

If you don't want to do this sort of thing again, tell him that. If you do want to do this again, it's okay to do it. Just be sure that however this plays out, you set your boundaries and keep them. Talk to each other, that's the only way to prevent this relationship from becoming just sex, if you continue to do this. Spend more time together public if you need to get away from the temptation to do this.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Juliet.C Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Juliet.C's Avatar
 
Name: Juliet
Gender: Female
Location: NooYork

Posts: 13
Join Date: April 14th 2017

Re: My bf fingered me - April 15th 2017, 02:34 AM

thanks Ivy I guess you are right. Humans do have that natural sexual desire or sth, I talked to him last night. We both felt so wrong and awful but I know we are in this together. He said he was so sorry and that he didn't even know how to face me...Now I think I have gotten over that shameful feeling and self-guilt after accepting this kind of 'human nature' and praying yesterday, thanks to everyone on the website. We both agreed to only hang out in public areas in order to avoid the same sort of things to happen again, thanks for the suggestion! However, now it's his turn to feel so guilty and ashamed, I told him that I forgave him, and he promised not to do the same sort of thing again, he also promised to treat me better. Jus that he couldn't forgive himself, he said he couldn't face himself either...hmm is there any way I could help him with this? thanks a lot
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
SeekersofHISwill's Avatar
 

Posts: 7
Join Date: April 14th 2016

Re: My bf fingered me - April 15th 2017, 03:31 AM

Juliet, something that may help both of you is to seek some sort of accountability. Ivy made a great suggestion. However something that may even help to a greater level is seek out trusted individuals (by both you and your boyfriend) to use as accountability. When you guys go out, ask one of them to accompany you (and observe from a distance). Or simply let them know where you will be at All times. My wife and I went farther before we got marrjed than we want to. Sexual urges and desires are strong and sometimes difficult to manage and control-especially in the heat of the moment. Again, set boundaries Boundaries that you both agree on. If you would like to discuss anything feel free to message me. Hope this helps

In regards to your boyfriend feeling guilty, sit down and have an open discussion with him. Explain to him that both of you made mistakes and admit those mistakes. Sometimes when both admit fault it makes it easier to discuss and move on. Set those boundaries and openly discuss the boundaries in depth. Perhaps also discuss what you will do or say when one starts to feel as though things are getting too heated or going too far.

Last edited by SeekersofHISwill; April 15th 2017 at 03:38 AM. Reason: Made an addition to post
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Juliet.C Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Juliet.C's Avatar
 
Name: Juliet
Gender: Female
Location: NooYork

Posts: 13
Join Date: April 14th 2017

Re: My bf fingered me - April 15th 2017, 05:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekersofHISwill View Post
Juliet, something that may help both of you is to seek some sort of accountability. Ivy made a great suggestion. However something that may even help to a greater level is seek out trusted individuals (by both you and your boyfriend) to use as accountability. When you guys go out, ask one of them to accompany you (and observe from a distance). Or simply let them know where you will be at All times. My wife and I went farther before we got marrjed than we want to. Sexual urges and desires are strong and sometimes difficult to manage and control-especially in the heat of the moment. Again, set boundaries Boundaries that you both agree on. If you would like to discuss anything feel free to message me. Hope this helps

In regards to your boyfriend feeling guilty, sit down and have an open discussion with him. Explain to him that both of you made mistakes and admit those mistakes. Sometimes when both admit fault it makes it easier to discuss and move on. Set those boundaries and openly discuss the boundaries in depth. Perhaps also discuss what you will do or say when one starts to feel as though things are getting too heated or going too far.
Thanks yeah..you are right. I will discuss the boundaries with him right when we have lunch together tmr, I guess it would be pretty embarrassing and maybe even a bit tough for both of us tho. Regarding accountability, it's a nice idea, jus that I'm afraid no one would be particularly free to 'observe' us...but we will try thanks a lot!
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
del677 Offline
Member
Experienced TeenHelper
******
 
del677's Avatar
 

Posts: 516
Join Date: December 28th 2016

Re: My bf fingered me - April 15th 2017, 08:28 AM

It breaks my heart to see so many lives ruined by conservative Christianity.

Try progressive liberal Christianity.

Conservative Christianity is based on fear. It's all about obeying the rules, and be afraid of what will happen if you don't obey the rules.

Liberal Christianity is all about love. God is love. Jesus demonstrated love. Jesus wants us all to love one another.

Conservative Christians go to church once a week and hear a fear based sermon about how God loves us so much he gave us all these rules to follow and everything will be great as long as we follow all of these rules and fear what will happen if we fail. The core fear is disguised as much as possible, in happy songs about obedience, and how we are the chosen one, and everyone else is the not chosen, and how we'll go to heaven if we follow all the rules, and everyone else won't. No matter how much it's sugar coated, there's always fear at the very core of the belief system.

Conservative Christianity uses the "Volcanic" concept of human nature, where people naturally have "bad" urges which need to be contained, like keeping a lid on a volcano. Sexual desires are deemed "bad" urges which should be contained. People end up having horrible guilt feelings, and may wonder why God would design us to have "bad" urges in the first place. People who are unable to contain their bad urges are deemed weak and inferior, and it ends up actually being immoral to help suffering people, because they must have done something bad to deserve it. (The book of Job was written as a protest to this very idea.)

Hearing a fear based sermon once a week eventually alters the brain, and the person actually becomes a more fearful, frightened, anxious person.


Progressive Christianity is all about Love. It uses the "Organic" view of human nature. Our moral compass is built into us. We need to get in touch with our emotions because emotions are the basis of morality. People who hear a sermon every week about love, kindness, and compassion, eventually become more loving, kind, and compassionate people. It ends up physically altering the brain. These people have no guilt feelings about sex because sex is a natural wonderful gift, as long as it's between two consenting people and it's done in the spirit of "What can I give to my partner to make him/her feel good?", instead of "How can I exploit this other person so I can get what I want and I don't really care about this other person it's just all about me, me me." That's the kind of exploitation the Bible is against. People who lose sight of Love can fall into this "Me, me me" mentality, and that's the path to true misery, because there's no Love involved. Cultivate within ourselves love and compassion for other people, and everything else falls into place. Men don't go around raping women because they genuinely care about other people and forcing themselves on someone else would make them feel bad. (Notice how the punishment is built in naturally.) Boyfriend & Girlfriend can be intimate with one another because it makes them both feel good. It's not a zero sum commodity game, because both people come out ahead. Paying a prostitute for sex would be a zero sum game where one commodity is traded for another commodity. Forcing sex on someone would be a crime because one person gains and the other person loses. But consensual sex is a win-win game where both people come out ahead. (It's also healthy, releasing various stress reducing hormones, leading to better overall health.)

Just be sure to get some birth control, as the only real possible consequence of sex is pregnancy. Condoms are easy and fairly reliable, as long as the condoms aren't stored in a hot car. Keep them at room temperature. (Condoms improperly stored in a hot place I think is the reason they sometimes break. The heat degrades the rubber.) Mix condoms with some birth control foam and it's very reliable.


Lastly it should be your choice. You can chose to go to a conservative Christian church and be indoctrinated into a fear based belief system, or you can chose to go to a liberal Christian church and be indoctrinated into a Love based belief system.

You can chose to have sex or not have sex. As long as it's your choice and you remain true to yourself then you'll be happy. It's when someone else makes the choice that unhappiness encroaches.


Just see the fear for what it is. Become aware of the fear induced by conservative Christianity. Fear leads to misery. Love leads to happiness. You can still be a Christian and have love at the same time. Or you can be a Christian and live in fear.

As long as it's your choice.


(For more on the "Volcanic" vs. "Organic" view of human nature see http://daviddeley.com/profdeley/humanbeing/index.htm

(See excellent lecture by Bishop John Shelby Spong. I especially like the ending where he takes questions from the audience: http://www.uctv.tv/search-details.aspx?showID=9117
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
SeekersofHISwill's Avatar
 

Posts: 7
Join Date: April 14th 2016

Re: My bf fingered me - April 16th 2017, 12:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juliet.C View Post
Thanks yeah..you are right. I will discuss the boundaries with him right when we have lunch together tmr, I guess it would be pretty embarrassing and maybe even a bit tough for both of us tho. Regarding accountability, it's a nice idea, jus that I'm afraid no one would be particularly free to 'observe' us...but we will try thanks a lot!


Juliet, you made a good point. Sometimes it is embarrassing or difficult to discuss "hard" or difficult topics. The ability to be able to get through those uncomfortable situations is what will help you guys grow closer together. As your relationship develops, you will eventually look at what is seemingly hard or difficult situations and will laugh at Them! Take this opportunity to use it to grow! Best of luck!!!
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Juliet.C Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Juliet.C's Avatar
 
Name: Juliet
Gender: Female
Location: NooYork

Posts: 13
Join Date: April 14th 2017

Re: My bf fingered me - April 16th 2017, 01:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekersofHISwill View Post
Juliet, you made a good point. Sometimes it is embarrassing or difficult to discuss "hard" or difficult topics. The ability to be able to get through those uncomfortable situations is what will help you guys grow closer together. As your relationship develops, you will eventually look at what is seemingly hard or difficult situations and will laugh at Them! Take this opportunity to use it to grow! Best of luck!!!
thanks! I believe we will make a breakthrough tgt thank you very much!
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
fingered, helpme

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.