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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Juliet.C Offline
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Unhappy My bf fingered me (2) - April 15th 2017, 04:08 PM

If you have read my previous thread, my bf has fingered me and that was..out of my expectation. He apologized, he blamed himself, he felt really guilty and sorry, he wanted to compensate, he wanted to treat me better and he wanted to repair our relationship. I forgave him, I truly did, and we both have jus discussed this together right during lunch today. We both confessed, agree on the boundaries we set, I literally forgave him. But I couldn't help but felt threatened and I even panicked when I was alone with him. I couldn't help kept being reminded of that incident. And whenever I was reminded of that, I felt scared, frightened, panic, dirty, self-guilt, ashamed, like I was raped. Yet I know I love him, I love spending time texting and chatting on phone with him, I love being with him (jus not alone), I remained the same love to him jus as if nothing had happened. At the same time I know that a part of me (an inner part maybe) was terrified of what he's done, was ashamed of myself, and even wanted to avoid being close to him. I don't hate him, I don't blame him either (maybe subconsciously I do), it's jus so conflicted inside me. I told him about my feelings, he understood and he said he's willing and ready to take any blame or consequences, he said he could do anything to help with the relationship or stuff.
I know it's kinda normal to have this kind of feelings, but I just don't want this to continue. I don't want myself hurting both him and me. I don't want myself doing anything that ruins our relationship.
Damn I am so conflicted...
Anyone please gimme some advice on getting over this
I wanna get over myself,
I wanna get over this memory,
I wanna break the invisible wall which I built between me and him.
please,
help me.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
O2012 Offline
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 15th 2017, 09:08 PM

You allowed him to. You both agreed at it shouldn't have happened and are making sure of won't happen again. You have to realize at yeah, it happened, but you enjoyed it, and that's okay. I gotta say, if my boyfriend would do that I would be ecstatic, so its okay. Talk to him about your feelings if you're that worried. Pm me if you need additional help. I love to give advice, so I'm always willing to.
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 15th 2017, 10:03 PM

What he did could be considered sexual assaults in my opinion. I'm sorry that it happened. He should have listened to your boundaries when he heard them.

It is really your choice what you should do. If it was me I would dump him. But I. Believe if he does it once he will probably do it again. He may not realise at the time but he will.
Or if you trust him not to continue dating him.

But you aren't dirty. It's not your fault. Even if you didn't say no.


If you ever need to PM/VM me you can if you want
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Z 💍 14/10/18
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 16th 2017, 01:25 PM

thanks buddy...I don't wanna dump him becuz I think it's not only his fault...I was involved in it too after all..and yeah, the case is that we actually cross the line and we were impulsive. I know I ain't really 'dirty' but I jus can't get over this thought and this feeling, it's like I'm a slut...
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 16th 2017, 02:10 PM

Hey there friend. You have to find it in your heart to forgive yourself before you can truly forgive others. This was seemingly an honest mistake. You have to use opportunities like these to learn from and grow. In life you will make mistakes. Sometimes BIG mistakes with sometimes BIG consequences. If you look at the situation as to the good that can come from it, it will often help. For instance-in your situation-it didn't progress to sexual activities further than it did. You didn't get pregnant or even further your "standards." You have learned not to put yourself in that kind of situation again. You have learned what your limits are. Hope this helps.
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 16th 2017, 02:30 PM

Just because you liked it doesn't mean you have to feel great about it later that you feel like it violated what you were ready for and that it went against that and your boyfriend new you weren't ready etc. Liking it doesn't make it ok. That's the kind of bull shit ou hear a lot toward rape victims too, if they liked the way the sex felt, then it's not rape, which is BS, you can't help the way your body reacts to something you didn't really want to be doing.

You need to find it in your heart to forgive yourself for not saying no to it and for not pushing back harder. You'll never be able to really forgive your boyfriend (or not) until then.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 17th 2017, 06:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekersofHISwill View Post
Hey there friend. You have to find it in your heart to forgive yourself before you can truly forgive others. This was seemingly an honest mistake. You have to use opportunities like these to learn from and grow. In life you will make mistakes. Sometimes BIG mistakes with sometimes BIG consequences. If you look at the situation as to the good that can come from it, it will often help. For instance-in your situation-it didn't progress to sexual activities further than it did. You didn't get pregnant or even further your "standards." You have learned not to put yourself in that kind of situation again. You have learned what your limits are. Hope this helps.
oh yeah...hell yes you are right. I have to keep thinking positively, like yeah it taught me a lesson of life and exactly! Ppl get back on the right track after regretting stepping into the wrong way. Thanks!
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 17th 2017, 10:33 AM

scared and frightened. That's not from sex, that's coming from somewhere else.

Regardless of where it started, one solution is to reconnect with mother earth.

Stand, feel the weight of your body on your feet. Feel how the earth supports you. Imagine growing roots into the ground. Imagine energy flowing up from the earth into you.

Alternate your weight, notice how it feels, notice how the earth supports you no matter how you shift your weight.

Scan your body. Notice how it feels. Return your focus to the present moment. When your mind wanders, return your focus to the present moment.

Notice what the Buddhists call "The Second Arrow." -- There's the initial event, then we stab ourselves with a second arrow and start feeling guilt and all those other negative emotions. Pain happens, suffering is optional.

qi-gong can help. Basic mindfulness meditations.
   
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Re: My bf fingered me (2) - April 27th 2017, 04:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juliet.C View Post
thanks buddy...I don't wanna dump him becuz I think it's not only his fault...I was involved in it too after all..and yeah, the case is that we actually cross the line and we were impulsive. I know I ain't really 'dirty' but I jus can't get over this thought and this feeling, it's like I'm a slut...
Don't feel like that, you are not a slut, you may have done something that you think is wrong but there's nothing you can do about that. What's done is done, and true, it may take time before you trust your boyfriend again but if it's worth trying then do it. However, if you feel like you can't forgive or forget better end the relationship and move on. It's you who can decide. Don't let one mistake ruin everything. Move on and learn to let go of the past.
   
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