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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
wolfey Offline
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Arrow How do I meet girls for sex? - June 6th 2017, 10:00 PM

I literally fantasize about fucking girls all day every day, if I'm not doing that I'm watching porn. But I have social anxiety so I'm not social at all.

I noticed in my social anxiety support group, with like 8 people, literally all the girls had boyfriends, even if they were way more socially anxious than me. None of the guys did. It seems like its super easy for girls to get laid, but for guys its all social confidence, so if you don't have that like me, you're screwed.

I've been trying to work out more and use tinder but in the meantime my face is flawed. It's especially frustrating because if I can get a girl to have sex, I'm almost certain that would be a huge boost to my ego, just being able to please her and such, I'm confident about that. But in terms of the social aspect I'm lacking.

Every girl around my age group just seems to want to go to bars and dance which makes me nervous, and from what I've heard its just a game where girls try to see how many guys will walk up and offer to buy them drinks. Seems humiliating to me if I bought a girl a drink and she just walked away, or if I came off boring or nerdy. I find I can connect well with guys but with girls the sexual tension always clouds my mind.

How do I even flirt or bring up sex? I realized staring girls down or putting your hand on her thigh while you're sitting can be good but that's still not really getting there.

Last edited by wolfey; June 6th 2017 at 11:15 PM.
   
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How do I meet girls for sex? - June 7th 2017, 04:34 AM

Okay, so, first thing, staring a girl down and putting your hand on her thigh while you're sitting next to her is not a good way of getting together with a woman. Ever. It's incredibly creepy and off-putting. Don't do it.

It's okay to be interested in girls. It's okay to fantasize. It's okay to have a high sex drive. But what's not okay is to feel like there's some secret magic combination that, if you get it right, will cause a woman to have sex with you. Women aren't machines. There's no equation that says if you put it in just right we'll spread our legs for you. That's not how it works.

What works is taking the time and energy to work on respecting yourself and, furthermore, respecting women. This means not seeing bedding them as some "achievement." You're not supposed to sleep with people to "boost your confidence." That's beyond selfish. Try and actually care about women as people, with interests and hobbies and beliefs. Try listening to what they have to say, without an ulterior motive. If you stop trying to manipulate women into having sex with you then you might be more successful.

One more thing I want to leave you with: you were unfortunately probably raised in toxic masculinity culture, so this is probably so indoctrinated in you that you don't even realize it, but: you are not owed a woman. You don't "get" a woman because you're a "nice guy." You don't inset "nice coins" into some machine to make sex come out. Just because you buy a girl a drink at a bar doesn't mean she owes you her time. Once you learn that, learn respect, and learn to not be entitled, then you might have some more luck when it comes to dating women.



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Re: How do I meet girls for sex? - June 7th 2017, 06:21 AM

also remember too, that while the two things (sleeping with and having sex with) often go hand in hand, you can have one without the other and the girl/woman may agree to only do one of those things with you. Do not assume she will do both or make her do the other because she did one already with you. Instead, remember to ask.
   
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Re: How do I meet girls for sex? - June 8th 2017, 08:55 AM

This is a big topic.

First, know that it's normal for all men to have this insane desire to have sex with any and all women, at any time, anywhere. It's just insane. Seriously insane. Evolution really screwed the men giving them this insane desire.

Well it makes sense from an evolution point of view. Evolution favors those who spread their genes successfully. For a woman to reproduce, she gets pregnant, then she's pregnant for 9 months, has one baby, and gets stuck raising a baby. For a man, he has sex for a few minutes, then he's done.

So, from a man's point of view, the successful strategy to spread his genes is to have sex with as many women as possible, and then leave.

From a woman's point of view, the successful strategy is to be picky, and choosy, select a man who is likely to stick around and help raise the child once the baby is born.

Men beg, women choose.

And that's why men are cursed with this insane desire to have sex with any and all women.

And that's why it's very easy for a woman to have sex with any man she chooses, or to select any boyfriend she chooses, or to be single if she chooses. Men beg, women choose. It has nothing to do with you. It's just the way the system is designed by nature.

The next lesson is: I'm not sure about "nice guys finish last. I'm still on the fence about that one. What I do believe is, nice guys end up having the longest lasting, deepest, most fulfilling relationships. In the long run, it's the nice guys who reach the finish line.

Now we get to the second part, where we deal with social anxiety. (You mentioned a social anxiety support group. Support groups of any kind are wonderful. I go to them all the time.)

This takes a multi-pronged approach. I'll tell you everything I know and have recently learned.

You'll hear endless talk about "Confident people act like this." And it's all rather useless and circular. It's like saying, "Rich people have a lot of money. Rich people have a large bank account. Rich people have a bank account where at the bottom next to the word "Balance" you'll find a large number." And it will go on, and on, describing what rich people are like. It might even describe what money looks like. Of course the one thing it leaves out, is, how do you actually get money?

In order to actually get money, you have to... do some sort of a job, which really has nothing to do with money. Getting paid is just sort of a side effect of doing a job.

And so it is with reducing anxiety, and
gaining confidence. The most important thing I've found that actually works, has nothing to do with interacting with people, and everything to do with training your mind, and this mind training actually slowly alters your brain, and shifts it towards a more calm, relaxed, social state, where you are better able to interact with people in a natural way, which just happens to be a side effect of this mind training exercise.

This takes a few months but you should start to notice a difference. Look into Mindfulness Meditation. Download the "Headspace" app and give it a try. Watch the videos at the beginning of the odd numbered guided 10 minute meditations {3, 5, 7, 9}. Or try any guided meditation app. Or any meditation. Or Yoga, Qi-Gong, or Tai-Chi are meditative motion exercises. (There are so many different types of Yoga it's hard to categorize them all. Ask for a beginning Yoga class, or a "Therapeutic Yoga" class.)

Next, study "Body Language". My favorite book on the subject is:
Body Language : How to Read Other's Thoughts By Their Gestures
Allan Pease (1984)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0859694062/
Short, concise, with many useful illustrations (152 pages).
There are 23 formats and editions of this book, from 1984 - 1997
[There's also a 2005 book by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease titled The Definitive Book of Body Language which may be a greatly expanded version at 416 pages. This newer book has 20 formats and editions, from 2004 - 2008.]

There are other books on the subject. And youtube videos. And websites. And slideshows. Just keep reading, and viewing. After a few months, you'll become familiar with all the things to watch out for.

This slideshow I recently came across:
Body Language in Social Settings
by Yang Ao Wei
https://www.slideshare.net/aoweiyang...ocial-settings
He has a lot of other good slideshows on body language too.

Learn to read other people's body language. Also, become more aware of your own body language.

Another good thing to study is facial expressions. (For some people this is easy, others find this difficult. See how much of other people's emotions you naturally pick up.) Try the "Happy Faces" or "HappyFace" apps (I forget the exact names).

Then, after studying Body Language, move on to study Flirting. Flirting is how women use body language to show they are interested in a man. When a woman is interested in a man, they will use non-verbal body language to try and get the man to come over.

Then, study "Small Talk." This is how we make conversation about nothing special. My favorite is TIME: PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE. From which I can construct questions, such as, What did you do <today, yesterday, last weekend>?
Do you have any plans for <this afternoon, this evening, tomorrow, this weekend>?

And go to support groups, or any groups. Be around people. This helps condition the emotional part of the brain to believe that people are nice and kind and it's easy to talk with them, and can help ease anxiety. Whatever works for you.

Then, know that bars aren't for everyone. I can't tolerate them. The partner that would be a good match for me I probably would not meet there, since I don't like being there, so I probably would not fit well with someone who did like being there. Too loud, noisy, flashing lights, confusing, too much stimulation for me.

I need to go elsewhere. (Still haven't figured out where "elsewhere" is.)

Still my best results have been when I meditate most. Then I find I'm able to really connect with other people, and really focus on them, and be relaxed enough, and I've studied body language so I'm aware of my own body language, what I'm "saying" to other people by the position of my body, and facial expressions, and I've found I do more "talking" with my face now, not using words (I used to think words were the only way people communicated).

And I've memorized some "Question Bank" questions, like the "time" one above, and some "robot phrases", like "How are you? Fine, how are you? Fine." (That's "reciprocating", where you ask the same question back.) I'm also a lot more aware when other people are asking me Question Bank type questions, trying to make Small Talk conversation with me, and I now know better how to respond, because now I recognize it better.

OK that doesn't really explain how to get laid. That's just how to get to the point where you can walk up to a woman and start a conversation.

Then (oh my gosh there's more!) look at some youtube videos by Hayley Quinn:

How to Kiss a Woman on a Date
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN78kUTIsZk&t=13s

Still, once again, practice the training the mind meditation, and the rest of this should come a lot easier.

Well that's all the suggestions I have. Keep in mind women are looking for good men like you! Best wishes!


   
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Re: How do I meet girls for sex? - June 22nd 2017, 03:29 AM

Is sex the only motive you want to meet girls?
   
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Re: How do I meet girls for sex? - June 22nd 2017, 06:37 PM

girls aren't some foreign, alien species. they're just.. females. they're humans. they have feelings, and insecurities, and sexual desires, and social anxiety as well.
many girls in this society are taught to avoid certain circumstances because we're taught how to "not get raped". one of the situations that would, quite frankly, terrify me is if i was at a bar and a guy was staring me down and running his hand on my thigh. that just screams "GET OUT OF THERE". so no, my god. please don't do that.

those girls in your support groups don't just have boyfriends because it's easier for girls to get laid (and there is some truth to that, simply because of the instinctual thought process behind our biology. guys have an endless amount of sperm, they want to spread as much of that as possible. their sex drive is motivated towards quantity. girls only release one egg a month, therefore, they want to make sure they get this whole thing right and they have to make sure they choose a suitable mate to possibly father their offspring. the female sex drive is motivated towards quality. in more blunt terms... a lot of guys will fuck anything and everything, and girls are there to decide which one of the many horny bastards is actually worth their time.)
anyway, those girls have boyfriends because they found someone they can relate to and truly enjoy being with. like i said above, they found quality characteristics in their partner, therefore, they want to be with him.
life isn't just about sex and females aren't just there for sex. i know when you're sexually repressed it can be easier to think of it that way. but unfortunately, it's very rare that you'll find a girl who will just throw her pussy at you, especially if you're lacking in social confidence. (and believe me, even as a girl, i know how it feels to just want sex. it's nothing to be ashamed of, it is literally a basic, primal instinct for us to have the urge to have sex. but because of the society we live in, going out and having sex within minutes just isn't a realistic expectation. getting to sex means taking time and gaining trust. even with friends-with-benefits i've had, i always take a couple days to check them out first, make sure they're okay people, and make sure they're clean.)
looks also do matter, unfortunately. however, most of our physical appearance is just about mind over matter. the more we believe we're ugly, the more we'll act like we're ugly, and people will only see the ugly, insecure parts of us. if you improve your self confidence, eventually, you won't find yourself as unattractive.

look dude, just get a pocket pussy. work on yourself. find some female friends and just have the intent of being friends with them. girls are pretty good at reading people, and we know a fuckboy when we see one.
i can assure you that not all girls around your age just want to go to bars and dance, because i'm around your age and i would never voluntarily do that unless my friends invited me. but that won't happen because my friends, who are also around my age, aren't into that stuff either.
work on making simple conversation with girls in public places. it seems a lot harder and scarier than it actually is, but the more you do it, the better you'll get at it.


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Re: How do I meet girls for sex? - June 24th 2017, 07:10 PM

Yeah, so I am going to largely echo what other people have been saying; staring at a woman can be perceived as aggressive and (or) creepy, which would make us uncomfortable understandably. Running a hand on a woman's thigh when you have no idea if she even wants that is even worse (and never just assume a woman wants you to touch her, always ere on the side of caution and be as careful as possible about touching a woman, it comes across as, again, really aggressive, creepy and, hell, I'll throw in predatory. It's not to say some women wouldn't mind these kinds of advances, or tolerate it, but just because the odd woman wouldn't mind (note: I'm not saying she'd even for sure like it), doesn't mean this should be your approach.

I think that the important thing to remember is that woman aren't really that different from men, we have our confidences and our insecurities, and we'll all have our own preferences, ranging from being assertive in bed to submisssive, and from being in experienced to experienced, and from exclusively wanting a serious relationship to exclusively wanting to have flings/affairs/hookups. It's important to remember that, which I am going to come back too.

If all you want is sex, I guess I can't tell you that thats unacceptable because I would never tell a woman that she can't solely want to have sex with men and nothing serious. But (and it's a big one), you can't just assume that a woman would be ok with it, and you can't just treat a woman like a piece of meat to get into bed. I feel like the fundamental difference between woman and men who just want to fuck is that women have to deal with sexism and all that shit all the time (and if you deny it, please check your privilege) and are essentially raised differently, so I've noticed that women tend to have more respect for the humanity of the people their hooking up with, whereas men are more likely to be vulgar, use degrading language, and essentially use the women they're having sex with as a stepping stone (e.g. the man is a virgin and wants to have sex, so he'll sleep with literally anyone to get the status of not being a virgin) or because everything is in some other way all about him. Of course, not all men are like that, and women can be like that too, but I feel like your language is coming dangerously close to wanting to use women for the status of getting to have sex or because you want the confidence boost etc, and I cannot in good faith let you basically use women (which comes across as incredibly disrespectful).

Point is, if you want to have sex, and there is another woman around who is a full, active, consenting participant who also just feels like having sex, and y'all are being safe, then bloody well have sex. But don't do it because you're insecure and need to use a woman to validate your being attractive or worthy or whatever. Sex is fun and feels good, so do it because you want to and have respect for the people you're doing it with with the full understanding that the both of you are doing it cause you want to and not cause you're insecure and need her validation. Ok.

Also, dating websites.... lots of people want to just hook up there. I wouldn't lead with "hey wanna fuck?" but be open to where things might go (casual dating, or relationship wise), go on dates, and see where it goes, if she expresses interest in wanting to have sex, then maybe go for it. But do not suggest sex or be too forward like that until you meet her and see how things go, as someone who used to do online dating, proposing sex, demanding to know why women didn't answer you, or insisting on meeting before she's ready is HORRIBLE -- chat a bit, and say "if you'd like to meet up, would you be interested in getting coffee/dinner/other public thing?" Always public.

However, even with my suggestion, probably 9 times in 10, it won't end in sex, but it should help with your experience and confidence levels to just get out there and go on dates and when you get to have sex, all the power to you, but even with online dating you can't just go in with the expectation that a date has to end in sex. If you're unwilling to put in the time and actually talk to a woman before jumping into bed and accept that every last woman you spend time with migh not be willing, then that's too bad and probably suggests you really need to reevaluate your attitude if you'd literally fuck anyone with boobs cause it indicates you're not taking the time to know them and consider if they're interested in you and your truly interested in them beyond their vagina (revert to my thing about having respect for the women).

But yeah, basicaly just meet people and adjust your attitude....




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Last edited by Always *; June 25th 2017 at 02:04 AM.
   
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