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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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Unhappy Sexual limitations - July 3rd 2017, 05:00 PM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Sorry if this sounds really pathetic, but it's been bothering me for a while now and I need to let this out somewhere...

So I'm asexual, I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone. Not only that but the thought of having sex triggers my anxiety. I am not a prude, I'm actually very sex positive and can have a very dirty mind sometimes. I just don't want sex.

But recently, a guy I really like asked me out. I've decided that if I feel comfortable enough, I don't mind giving him a hand/blow job, if that is what he wants. However, I do not want anything done to me. I don't even want to take clothes off if I can help it (Topless, maybe. But not completely naked). Even though I am willing to do these things, I wouldn't want to straight away. I want at least the first 6 months of the relationship to be without sex in order to build a level of love and trust before getting intimate. Even though this feels like a lot for me to give, I'm worried it's not going to be enough. But I really want this relationship to work, I don't want to be alone. How do I tell him? It feels too early in the relationship to say anything (we haven't even been on a date yet) but I can't go on worrying about it.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 4th 2017, 05:23 PM

--edited--


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Last edited by Mismatched Socks; July 5th 2017 at 02:14 PM. Reason: Since the thread's been answered this doesn't serve a purpose so I'm deleting it. :)
   
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Re: Sexual limitations - July 5th 2017, 02:40 AM

Though my situation has been a little different to yours, this being I'm not asexual and you not wanting sex at all, I have been in a situation where for a time, I did not want to have sex. I think I waited around 2-3 months before telling him, and fortunately he was really ok with it. He said he'd wait for however long until I was ready, and if I never wanted to have sex, that was ok too. It was pretty much a year by the time it actually happened, and it was clear he had meant what he said when he was happy to wait until I was ready. I don't know about every guy out there, but to me, a guy waiting that long is a pretty big thing and it meant a lot to me.

In my personal opinion, I agree that it's a little early to tell him how you feel, but at the same time, don't worry about how long it takes until you feel ready to tell him either. The most important thing when in a relationship is getting to know the other person, once you get to know him, you'll know whether or not the time is right for you to tell him, and whether or not you feel he's the kind of guy that'll be ok with your feelings.

Also, I understand your concern that you don't want to be alone, but sometimes it's better to be alone if the right person hasn't yet come along, than the remain with someone who's only putting half the effort into the relationship whereas you're giving it your all. If he isn't able to accept the fact you simply don't want sex, yet are willing to do the things you've said you're willing to do, then personally they are not a person worth having concerns of loneliness with.

All in all, wait until you feel you're ready to discuss how you feel with him, and see how things go.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 5th 2017, 03:23 AM

I have different opinion on this. I am not asexual but I have issues with sex. When I started dating I didn't convey to the people I was talking to that sex was something that wouldn't happen for quite some time. Anyway, most the guys figured it out early on and since it was not something they were willing to compromise on they walked away.

When I met my boyfriend, I was up front with him about my feelings regarding sex. When we finally started really hanging out we talked about it off and on for a while. He told me that he didn't mind waiting which was great.

Personally, I think that being honest with the person you are talking to is important. You don't, necessarily, have to tell him anything that you aren't comfortable with. You can just explain to him that you want to wait a while to have sex. If you guys haven't gone on a date yet then I don't think it's important to talk to him about it but if it seems like things are getting serious you should talk to him about it. There are going to be people who are going to be willing to wait until you are ready to have sex and then there are going to be people who don't want to wait. In my opinion, it's better to know early on that you two aren't compatible (he doesn't want to wait) then it is to continue on in a relationship and then have it fall apart.

There are people who view sex as a very important part of a relationship and then there are people who don't. However, if you don't talk to him about your feelings early on it could lead to one or both of you ending up hurt because you develop some type of feeling.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 5th 2017, 08:10 AM

there are guys who would be just happy to have a friend girl at your age. I dated for a year before having sex.
   
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Re: Sexual limitations - July 8th 2017, 05:50 PM

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you all for your advice.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 8th 2017, 08:53 PM

You don't have to do anything that you aren't ready for (or might not ever want to do). The way relationships are shown in the media and the way people talk about them in our lives are usually very heteronormative and sex is usually assumed, anywhere from telling kids not to have sex, warnings about pregnancy, assuming everyone has sex at parties (not that I've ever really understood where everyone is having sex at a house party if that were even true, cause eww...).

Any how, I feel like you need to do you, there is nothing wrong with knowing what your boundaries are, even if you know that your boundaries might be less common. I think there is a way to balance your relationship expectations with your boyfriends relationship expetations

I also think it is important to convey your boundaries with your boyfriend. If he doesn't know that sex isn't something you want now (or possible ever) and that X or Y activities might bug you, it's going to be a problem later if he want to do something and can't understand why you've got a problem with it. That should go a long way to having a healthy boundary set up.




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Re: Sexual limitations - July 15th 2017, 12:30 AM

A good guy with real good intention will be happy waiting for the time you are ready to give everything, but that's hard to find and even hard for a guy to resist. Still, there is a chance you can find that guy.
   
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Re: Sexual limitations - July 23rd 2017, 01:09 PM

i think every guy is gonna try something with a girl... ya gotta let him know what's ok and what's not ok... and he'll still prolly try something... until he gets what he wants... or dumps you...
   
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Re: Sexual limitations - July 23rd 2017, 08:07 PM

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice! I would like for this thread to be closed because it's causing me a lot of anxiety at the moment. If a mod could do that for me, I would highly appreciate it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amyzcool View Post
i think every guy is gonna try something with a girl... ya gotta let him know what's ok and what's not ok... and he'll still prolly try something... until he gets what he wants... or dumps you...
Well if somebody doesn't respect their partner's boundaries then the relationship isn't healthy. A guy that truly cares wouldn't make advances if he knew I wasn't comfortable.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 23rd 2017, 09:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by amyzcool View Post
i think every guy is gonna try something with a girl... ya gotta let him know what's ok and what's not ok... and he'll still prolly try something... until he gets what he wants... or dumps you...

This is not entirely true. There are a lot of guys who care, primarily, about sex and choose not to respect a partners boundaries or they choose to leave if a person they are dating is not likely to have sex with them in a short amount of time. However, there are quite a lot of guys who are respectful. My boyfriend was quite respectful of my boundaries which is probably one of the reasons we were able to end up becoming a couple. When we became a couple he didn't push sex. We talked a bit about it. He expressed that one of the things he'd like is to see me without clothes. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he did not push. We decided to do something else instead. He let me choose the pace at which we became sexual. He was respectful of my boundaries. There are a lot of guys who don't just think about 'getting what they want'. There are guys who want to have meaningful and long lasting relationships with someone.

Yeah, there are a lot of guys that care more about sex than they do about a relationship and they will take advantage of a person. But, there are also guys out their who have strong feelings about sex and will still be respectful of their partners boundaries. If a guy is not respectful of your boundaries you don't want to be with him anyways.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 23rd 2017, 10:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Abibliophobe~ View Post

This is not entirely true. There are a lot of guys who care, primarily, about sex and choose not to respect a partners boundaries or they choose to leave if a person they are dating is not likely to have sex with them in a short amount of time. However, there are quite a lot of guys who are respectful. My boyfriend was quite respectful of my boundaries which is probably one of the reasons we were able to end up becoming a couple. When we became a couple he didn't push sex. We talked a bit about it. He expressed that one of the things he'd like is to see me without clothes. I told him I wasn't comfortable and he did not push. We decided to do something else instead. He let me choose the pace at which we became sexual. He was respectful of my boundaries. There are a lot of guys who don't just think about 'getting what they want'. There are guys who want to have meaningful and long lasting relationships with someone.

Yeah, there are a lot of guys that care more about sex than they do about a relationship and they will take advantage of a person. But, there are also guys out their who have strong feelings about sex and will still be respectful of their partners boundaries. If a guy is not respectful of your boundaries you don't want to be with him anyways.
Agreed. Thank you for sharing your experience, you have given me some hope. I'm starting to feel less anxious about the situation.


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Re: Sexual limitations - July 24th 2017, 05:43 AM

hey sorry everybody.. i didn't mean to be a downer... i guess i've just had some bad experiences... but i know he's out there somewhere...
   
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Re: Sexual limitations - July 24th 2017, 05:22 PM

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hey sorry everybody.. i didn't mean to be a downer... i guess i've just had some bad experiences... but i know he's out there somewhere...
Hey, it's alright. I haven't had the chance to speak to the guy about it recently, which was what was causing me stress, not so much what you said so don't worry.


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Smile Re: Sexual limitations - July 24th 2017, 05:44 PM

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Originally Posted by Mismatched Socks View Post
Hey, it's alright. I haven't had the chance to speak to the guy about it recently, which was what was causing me stress, not so much what you said so don't worry.

kool.... thank you Sarah!!
   
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