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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Spitting? - October 22nd 2017, 10:12 PM

If your partner spit on your face, purposefully, during sex, would that be considered abuse, rude, or just kinky?

I don't exactly know how you're supposed to give or ask for consent for something as spur of the moment as spitting on your partner's face. It's not something that could very well come up in a casual conversation before. "Hey, when we engage in intercourse in the near future, would you mind if I eject saliva onto your face?"
I was giving some guy head yesterday and in the middle of it he pulled my head by my hair up to his face, acting like he was going to kiss me. Then all of a sudden he jerked my head back away and spit aggressively right in my eye.
I already struggle with feeling like I'm only good enough for sex and that men only want me around so they can use my body, but to spit on another human being like that made me feel really, really low as a person.
I did two Google searches. One, "my partner spit on my face", brought up stories of couples fighting and the man would spit in their face during the heat of the argument, and all the commenters told the woman to run as far away as possible from that guy because that was a sign of abuse.
The second search, "my partner spit on my face during sex", brought up a bunch of articles about how kinky and hot it is for one partner to spit on another and in another's mouth during sex. Yeah, ew.

So when spitting in someone's face during a fight was the subject, everyone's views were negative about it, but during sex, all the articles that came up were positive about it.
I was disgusted and it made me feel like shit. I didn't freak out and tell him that was wrong, but whenever something bad happens during sex I have a hard time voicing my concerns at all. I just kind of shut down, do whatever they tell me, and wait for it to be over. I did start crying but he couldn't tell. Or if he did, he didn't care.

I just don't know if I'm overreacting when it comes to this? Obviously it could be a kink for some people and disgusting to others, and I'm just one of the others. I'm struggling with how to feel, because like I said, how was he supposed to know if I wouldn't like that? But on the other, it feels like a severely demeaning thing to do to another person and it makes me think he's a bad person for even thinking that's okay to do to someone else.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: Spitting? - October 22nd 2017, 10:43 PM

I don't think you are wrong to be upset by this. Communication is always important before and even during sex, but it's always about safe words and what you will or won't do... things that are not necessarily considered kinks, but kinks could go into a separate conversation. I think that's different for everyone. Back to spitting, I think that's something you should bring up with your partner, especially if you're always feeling like shit afterwards. Would it make you look like a prudish bitch to that guy? If he's an ass, then probably. But most guys could not care less.
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Heathen Offline
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Re: Spitting? - October 22nd 2017, 11:17 PM

I don't believe spitting is always "positive" during sex. Many people who are kinky enjoy engaging in that activity, but for those who aren't kinky/not into that particular kink it would be a negative experience. What others say on the internet doesn't mean it holds true for you; if you felt degraded in an unpleasant way then that experience is valid, and it's something that should be talked about, should you desire to continue to have any sort of relationship with this guy.

It's obvious a clear miscommunication happened. He made some very incorrect assumptions about what you would enjoy. In the kink world, we do believe it's important to sit down before an encounter and talk about desires, limits, safe words, and safety. We negotiate so that everyone involved in the experience has the best chance of having a good time. It's not foolproof but it helps a lot more than just going into an encounter without having talked about anything; that's how consent violations happen. Most people outside of the kink world don't tend to take as many precautions about sexual encounters as we do, but it's still not a bad idea to take that approach.

This is my personal belief alone, so you can take it or leave it, but if sexual limits aren't explicitly discussed beforehand and something isn't considered "standard" (i.e. not depicted in mainstream sexual culture, like spitting, for example), it needs to get talked about before it happens. Maybe he had a partner before who liked getting spit in the face, but that doesn't mean all his other partners will, and it's important to bring that to his attention. Hopefully he'll be open and receptive during that conversation. If he's not, it's probably best to move on.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything else.

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