TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts Chat Room

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
thesearmsaresnakes's Avatar
 
Age: 30

Posts: 4
Join Date: May 27th 2009

she's never horny! - May 27th 2009, 07:14 PM

it's weird. I've been with my gf for a year now, we both completely care about each other too...(I know there is no-one else before anyone mentions that as a reason) but she has absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. I say this without sounding at all selfish, she means everything to me and she insists that I'm the same with her. But under no circumstances does she ever initiate anything, and I'm finding that really difficult to cope with.

She's not a virgin. we do have sex (just barely at all!) and shes been with four other people before me, so I know it's not that. She even really gets into it and enjoys it when we do have sex. But literally, there is nothing I can do to get her in the mood. It could be a self esteem thing, and there are loads of points to do with it that hint at that - in a year she has never, once had sex with the light on - she has only ever gone down on me once - she never initiates anything herself. things like that.

I constantly complement her and reassure her. I do so much for her. But she never once puts out. I always have to nudge her to stop her from sleeping and to try and start something, and even then she often mumbles the usual 'nooo, I'm sleeeepy.' She'll promise to do it the next night and then, once again, she'll be sleepy again. Even where I would be comfortable with just a little foreplay, I will get nothing at all. Not once in the last 8 months have we 'fooled around.' And if I try and get her in the mood in the daytime she shrugs it off and doesn't want any

Is there any way I can get around this? Because I'm trying so hard it makes me feel stupid and rejected, and as if I'm doing something wrong. I know I can't change her as a person and that's not what I'm out to do. But for a 19 year old girl, this sex drive seems weird. She is gorgeous and she deserves to have confidence, but no manner of complements or honesty are changing this - I always try to make her feel special. I feel like such a horrible boyfriend for thinking this, but really, I'm finding the whole situation very hard. I try talking to her and she always says 'if you leave me be, I'll initiate it for a change ' and then never does, and falls asleep. Has anyone got any experience of this and how to deal with it??
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
*Rainbow*Rider* Offline
<3
I've been here a while
********
 
*Rainbow*Rider*'s Avatar
 
Name: H
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 1,921
Blog Entries: 124
Join Date: January 25th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 27th 2009, 07:34 PM

You're not horrible at all. And I agree, this level of sexual energy is not normal for a 19 year old.
Is she aware that her sex drive is lower then most peoples?
Is she is, and would like to change it, there are several types of things you can get over the counter to help.



If the world is a cold place
Make it your business to start some fires




   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
wonderbread Offline
Like a dude
I've been here a while
********
 
wonderbread's Avatar
 
Name: Ashley
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: Deltona Florida

Posts: 1,220
Blog Entries: 12
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 27th 2009, 08:09 PM

Have you tried talking to her in times of no sexual frustrations. You should try talking to her when you aren't trying to have sex with her. Talk about why she won't or doesn't want to have sex. This might give you more insight on to the situation.

Actually try to go a while without trying to get anything from her. This might show her that you aren't constantly thinking of sex and maybe one night she might want to start the whole process. I'm glad that you try and make her feel special but sometimes to much can get on a girls nerves. So if you do anything big often or everyday, tone it down a bit. Still make her feel loved and special but do it in a subtle way. Because if you do it everyday in big gestures she will probably think you are only doing it to get one thing. So if you calm it down she may not think that.

You aren't horrible for feeling the way you do because you are right it can be frustrating and can put a hit in your own confidence even if you are not aware of it.


Always remember to put your happiness first.
  Send a message via MSN to wonderbread  
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
WashoutThePain Offline
=]
Outside, huh?
**********
 
WashoutThePain's Avatar
 
Name: Ask Away!
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: Nowhere to be found

Posts: 4,748
Blog Entries: 377
Join Date: January 5th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 27th 2009, 08:25 PM

Hiya,
Well, to be honest, the first thing I thought of was her being tired all the time. Maybe she actually IS tired and needs more sleep, or perhaps she doesn't have enough iron in her diet. Maybe she should see a doctor if she is constantly feeling lazy and tired. She might also be stressed, or tired from a sports practice.

She might also feel as if she isn't providing what you want when she does try and 'fool around'. The more you hint at things, the less willing she will be to just open up and feel comfortable. If she is telling you she wants space, then give her a little space, let her come to you. Maybe she might need a few weeks before she does come to you, but you have to give her that time. Maybe she wants to talk to you instead of being physical. Maybe she is going through a rough time right now.

Don't blame this all on yourself either! It takes two to make a relationship work and it seems like you are putting in lot's of effort. Perhaps you just need to redirect where your effort is going. Ask her how she is feeling when she isn't tired.

You might also want to try and spice it up! Maybe she is bored with the same foreplay and such. Try some new things!! Google is your friend

Hope this helped,
Feel free to message me anytime!
-Amy


   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
rhapsody Offline
Member
Junior TeenHelper
****
 
rhapsody's Avatar
 
Age: 31

Posts: 346
Join Date: January 12th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 27th 2009, 08:33 PM

She might feel like you're being a bit too pushy about it. I know that can often happen with a couple if one person has a higher sex drive than the other (tv told me that, so it must be true!!). How is she generally? does she seem tired during the day?
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Member
Not a n00b
**
 
Father Dougal Mc Guire's Avatar
 
Name: J
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Ireland =)

Posts: 79
Join Date: January 11th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 27th 2009, 09:38 PM

WOO her! ROMANCE her! Go for a shower, be clean shaven, nice aftershave, dressed nice and take her for a nice dinner, to a movie or something like that. Give her lots of cuddles but don't go any further, just for a little while. This relieves the pressure from her. I know you complement her all the time but its just the wee extra things that can help to make a girl feel special

On a medical note, a low sex drive can be caused by a lack of the hormone testosterone. It is a male hormone but women also make a small amount in their bodies.... If SHE is worried about this then maybe she should go to the doctor for a check up and tell him whats wrong.


Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!
*
Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These,[points to some plastic cows on the table], are very small; those
[points at some cows out the window], are far away...
Gotta Luv Father Ted
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
thesearmsaresnakes's Avatar
 
Age: 30

Posts: 4
Join Date: May 27th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 01:29 AM

haha, believe me, I try and romance her. Obviously I try not to do things constantly all the time, just little things, but I always try to take her out for dinner sometimes, getting us all dressed up, etc, and it hasn't worked. she'll literally come back and not be in the mood.

When I try and talk to her about it, yeah, it's when I'm in the mood. And she'll give me one word answers and start falling asleep. I'll try when neither of us are in that sort of state, it just seems strange. anyone I've ever been with before has never been like this, and it's really hard to feel constanly pushed on the backburner night after night, even if it is not her fault. But when I take her out for a proper dinner, or buy her flowers, it still has no effect. Obviously I'm not doing this completely for the sex, but still, for all the attention I can give her, it's really hard to get none back
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
tada~ranningu~uma's Avatar
 
Name: Caidy
Gender: Female
Location: USofA

Posts: 5
Join Date: April 24th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 03:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by thesearmsaresnakes View Post
haha, believe me, I try and romance her. Obviously I try not to do things constantly all the time, just little things, but I always try to take her out for dinner sometimes, getting us all dressed up, etc, and it hasn't worked. she'll literally come back and not be in the mood.

When I try and talk to her about it, yeah, it's when I'm in the mood. And she'll give me one word answers and start falling asleep. I'll try when neither of us are in that sort of state, it just seems strange. anyone I've ever been with before has never been like this, and it's really hard to feel constanly pushed on the backburner night after night, even if it is not her fault. But when I take her out for a proper dinner, or buy her flowers, it still has no effect. Obviously I'm not doing this completely for the sex, but still, for all the attention I can give her, it's really hard to get none back
This really sounds exactly like me. I realized that my main problem was feeling overwhelmed. My boyfriend was like this, and I know how hard it was for me to talk to him, so she may or may not feel the same way.

What I found helped me was that he didn't mention sex at all for about three weeks. I asked him to do this for me, and he agreed, wanting our relationship to work. We would cuddle on the couch, watch movies, go eat dinner... but the times we spent the night together? He would cuddle and kiss, but nothing more. Not a word about sex, no touching, nothing. Just little romantic things, with NO mention on sex, whatsoever, no matter how much he wanted to.

I found that this type of 'break' helped me out a lot. I felt a) closer to him b) had more respect towards him and c) Found that I wanted sex again, for a while. The two of us still do these little breaks, now for only a few days, agreeing that no sex brings us closer, however nutty it sounds. I hope this helps you out... =)
  Send a message via AIM to tada~ranningu~uma Send a message via MSN to tada~ranningu~uma  
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Care-o-Bear Offline
I <3 him! :)
Regular TeenHelper
*****
 
Care-o-Bear's Avatar
 
Name: Caroline
Age: 28
Gender: Female

Posts: 473
Blog Entries: 29
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 03:11 AM

This is probably unlikely, but she sounds a bit like me. Ask her if she experiences sexual attraction. Because I am asexual. I still enjoy the sexual things I do with my boyfriend, I just have no sexual desire until he touches me. I'd talk to her about this is I were you and maybe ask her if she would mind you guys having sex a little more often since she does seem to enjoy it when you actually do it.


   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
thesearmsaresnakes's Avatar
 
Age: 30

Posts: 4
Join Date: May 27th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 05:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tada~ranningu~uma View Post
This really sounds exactly like me. I realized that my main problem was feeling overwhelmed. My boyfriend was like this, and I know how hard it was for me to talk to him, so she may or may not feel the same way.

What I found helped me was that he didn't mention sex at all for about three weeks. I asked him to do this for me, and he agreed, wanting our relationship to work. We would cuddle on the couch, watch movies, go eat dinner... but the times we spent the night together? He would cuddle and kiss, but nothing more. Not a word about sex, no touching, nothing. Just little romantic things, with NO mention on sex, whatsoever, no matter how much he wanted to.

I found that this type of 'break' helped me out a lot. I felt a) closer to him b) had more respect towards him and c) Found that I wanted sex again, for a while. The two of us still do these little breaks, now for only a few days, agreeing that no sex brings us closer, however nutty it sounds. I hope this helps you out... =)
I'm totally going to try this. It's kindof counter-productive and I hope I don't just get more frustrated because of it, but it might work. I've kindof reached the point where if I try and get her to have sex on a few occasions and find shes not into it, that I worry that she's purely doing it for the sake of me and not for her own enjoyment when she actually does it. I just wish she'd actually want to do it herself, rather than feel obliged. Because either way I just end up feeling like the bad person out of all of this lol, and it's really not doing either of us any good in the long run.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
tada~ranningu~uma's Avatar
 
Name: Caidy
Gender: Female
Location: USofA

Posts: 5
Join Date: April 24th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 03:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by thesearmsaresnakes View Post
I'm totally going to try this. It's kindof counter-productive and I hope I don't just get more frustrated because of it, but it might work. I've kindof reached the point where if I try and get her to have sex on a few occasions and find shes not into it, that I worry that she's purely doing it for the sake of me and not for her own enjoyment when she actually does it. I just wish she'd actually want to do it herself, rather than feel obliged. Because either way I just end up feeling like the bad person out of all of this lol, and it's really not doing either of us any good in the long run.

Have you said exactly that to her? If she had a completely clear image of how you feel, maybe she would understand better. I know how frustrating it can be, I saw it with Alex and I. His facial expressions would switch from happy to frustrated, but then he would just take a deep breath and tell himself that it's for the best. [We've had a few deep discussions on this subject.] I love him that much more for what he did for me, showing that he really does care about me enough to try my crazy idea... er..ideas... xD

So.. I really hope that maybe you can talk to her, see how she reacts to what you've written... does she know you've been asking us for help? I mean... sometimes, the best way to show what you mean is in a written form, so it's there, and you don't get nervous/ forget/ say it wrong trying to tell her verbally.

All the best!
  Send a message via AIM to tada~ranningu~uma Send a message via MSN to tada~ranningu~uma  
  (#12 (permalink)) Old
wanderlust Offline
zz
Junior TeenHelper
****
 
wanderlust's Avatar
 
Gender: Female

Posts: 230
Blog Entries: 18
Join Date: March 27th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 05:46 PM

that sounds a bit like me when im going out with a guy for extended periods of time..

it can just be a bit much sometimes, theres a lot of pressure to make him happy and make it look like your loving every second and its just off putting. I used to hate that it could never be just kissing and a little more, it had to be a full on thing everytime.

Scoring is always best when theres no pressure, and he pays a little attention to what i actually want.

(and i know you think youre being very good doing all these romantic things, youre doing it with a motive. She knows this and this is also a little off putting.)


A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design
   
  (#13 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
thesearmsaresnakes's Avatar
 
Age: 30

Posts: 4
Join Date: May 27th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 10:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by wanderlust View Post
that sounds a bit like me when im going out with a guy for extended periods of time..

it can just be a bit much sometimes, theres a lot of pressure to make him happy and make it look like your loving every second and its just off putting. I used to hate that it could never be just kissing and a little more, it had to be a full on thing everytime.

Scoring is always best when theres no pressure, and he pays a little attention to what i actually want.

(and i know you think youre being very good doing all these romantic things, youre doing it with a motive. She knows this and this is also a little off putting.)
I was doing all of these little romantic things before any of this happened, I haven't changed that at all. I've always taken her out for dinner and the like.

I'm kindof worried now that she's being put off by me being romantic and nice. I don't do these things constantly, I make them special and I don't bombard her with them, just enough to put a smile on her face sometimes y'know. Even if sex wasn't an issue I'd do them. But is she going to be thinking that I'm doing it just for sex? I mean, if I stop doing them, she's going to miss them, and then think that I'm stopping giving her attention because I'm not getting any. Either way I lose, if that makes sense?
   
  (#14 (permalink)) Old
delilah Offline
Member
Regular TeenHelper
*****
 
delilah's Avatar
 
Age: 30

Posts: 439
Join Date: January 7th 2009

Re: she's never horny! - May 28th 2009, 11:25 PM

nah keep giving her cuddles etc. she'd have to be pretty insecure to think you, her boyfriend of 1 year whose still not getting any, would take her out to dinner for sex. I mean clearly your not, and if she jumps to that conclusion, well, I would just assume she wouldn't. You could maybe point out your not, just remind her or somthing you know?

I'm not having sex with my guy at the moment (for personal/relationship reasons .. we used to thuogh) and he's taken me on a weekend break tomorrow..I brought up that we werent going to have sex, just to clarify that he didn't think that was the purpose of the trip...I mean, apart from doing that, I think there should be no further issue with you doing somthing nice for her
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
horny

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2020, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints | Mobile

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.