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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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Sexually mismatched - December 13th 2018, 06:31 PM

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I may have posted about this before, but the problem has only gotten worse in the last few months and I don't know what to do about it.

My partner and I seem to be sexually mismatched. For one, her sex drive is much lower than mine. It's been a little higher since she started having sex with someone new, so I reap the benefits of that, but it's still lower than it was even a year ago. I basically quashed my sex drive so I wouldn't be disappointed when it came to ultimately being rejected by her. I have STILL never found a good way to ask for sex. It seems to just put pressure on her. I can plan sex. Sure, something might get in the way (things happen, one or both of us don't feel well,/isn't feeling it, etc.), but I like having something to look forward to. She's not like that; it just stresses her out. We've tried it where she lets me know she wants it but I still want HER to know I want it. I don't know what to do about this.

The other thing is what we both consider sex. We had a talk about this yesterday. We still do oral and fingering, which is nice, but honestly I'm big on penetration and she's not. She doesn't get erections as easily as she used to, which I think is hard for her, and I try and be sensitive about it but I feel like I am blundering it. I usually come from oral but I have a medication right now that makes orgasm impossible and I guess I feel if I'd have one I'd rather have penetration. We tried a strap-on but even though it worked for me it was weird for her.

So I don't know what to do. I want to find a way we're both comfortable and satisfied and I feel like I am just screwing it up. I feel like I've lost something. I'm also experiencing envy because every time she sees this new person they have sex and we don't do it as often. I am having sex with other people (or was, before my surgery), but anyone who is polyam knows partners aren't interchangeable.

What do I do?



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Re: Sexually mismatched - December 16th 2018, 03:24 PM

I would continue to communicate with your partner about how you're feeling. It must be difficult wanting to have sex when she doesn't, or she seems to enjoy sex with other people and not as much with you. Perhaps you can try new things in addition to what you're doing to make sex more enjoyable for her?

Alternatively, you can find time for yourself only to ease that sex drive. There's a variety of options, which I won't name.

Best of luck.
   
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Re: Sexually mismatched - December 16th 2018, 04:41 PM

I think that you should try behaving somehow new with your girl in bed so that she could feel something she has never felt with anyone... And she may begin value your relationships more
   
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Re: Sexually mismatched - December 17th 2018, 02:53 AM

It seems like you have talked to her about this but I am unsure if you have talked to her about the fact that you are slightly bothered that she is sexually active with her new partner but struggles with you. I know you are happy that she is happy but it makes sense you'd feel envious that she is being sexually active with this new person while your sex life is not like it used to. Have you sat down and talked to her about that envy and ask her why there is a difference.


I don't think people are every fully matched when it comes to sex and I think that there are times when one person wants it more and the other doesn't and then the roles reverse.


I am not sure what the solution is because I know you are happy with your partner and I know this isn't something that would not make you leave. What I am wondering is if things will improve once you get to a place where you can meet more people and have sex with them? It won't replace what you have with your partner but is it possible that some of the frustration is that you are stuck not being able to meet up with new people and so your sex drive is still there but there is no real way to deal with it.


I also don't think there's anything wrong with preferring penetration. I know this might be TMI but as much as I like other stuff penetration tends to do more for me than the other stuff. Are there other things you can try to mimic penetration while with your partner? I know strap ons didn't work but is it possible there is something else you could try? I can't really give any thoughts or suggestions and I don't really know.


One thing you could try and is making a trip to a specialty store (like a date) and looking at the different things the two of you might be able to try to reach a compromise. Something like that could end up being pretty fun too.


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