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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 09:25 PM

Alright so me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 2 weeks, a couple days ago while we were making out. My hands drifted into her pants, and I grabbed her bare buttcheeks. I was most likely touching her bare butt for a couple minutes. I also felt her underwear, she didnt say anything at all, and it continued till we stopped kissing. Now I want female advice is this something that I shouldnt do...or do you girls like it?
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 09:35 PM

Depends on the girl.
Maybe you should chat to her about it??
However the fact that she didnt push away suggests she might have liked it, but chat to her anyway
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 09:40 PM

Well the point of asking here was so I dont make her uncomfortable by asking her...
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 10:17 PM

it's a very personal preference. you should talk to her about it.


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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 10:50 PM

God everyone on Teenhelp gives advice "ask her about it".
Who actually sits down with their girlfriend and says "do you like it when I touch your butt?". As a girl I can say thats defintley NOT a turn on.

Trial and error method! If she didn't push you away, she didn't mind it and probably liked it. If you do want to check she likes it then do it in the moment but so early on it's not something I'd recommend.

The fact that she didn't push you away and kept going should tell you she liked it.
Try it again and see how she reacts
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 10:55 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by her_beautiful_mistake View Post
God everyone on Teenhelp gives advice "ask her about it".
Who actually sits down with their girlfriend and says "do you like it when I touch your butt?". As a girl I can say thats defintley NOT a turn on.

Trial and error method! If she didn't push you away, she didn't mind it and probably liked it. If you do want to check she likes it then do it in the moment but so early on it's not something I'd recommend.

The fact that she didn't push you away and kept going should tell you she liked it.
Try it again and see how she reacts
Haha agreed :P I didn't know what I liked when I first started messing around with guys. They would do something and either I liked it or I made them stop. If you have the urge to try something... try it. But yeah, just don't move too fast with her, or try too many things at once. It might freak her out.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 18th 2009, 11:03 PM

Well it was kinda a I wasnt really thinking moment, but felt right kinda thing, and do you guys really think I would ask my girlfriend this type of question personally....if I could I wouldnt be asking here
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 12:10 AM

Take your time moving to 3rd base. But normally the female would push you away or just tell you straight out to quit touching down there.
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 12:35 AM

I'd avoid asking her the question, and I would also avoid getting the impression that because she let you grope her arse, she let you explore her cave. Try that and you might be in for a slap. Just arse for now to be honest.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 12:45 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by OurLovesSublime View Post
Haha agreed :P I didn't know what I liked when I first started messing around with guys. They would do something and either I liked it or I made them stop. If you have the urge to try something... try it. But yeah, just don't move too fast with her, or try too many things at once. It might freak her out.
I'm sorry but i think that if you are so close to be doing stuff like that then why is it so difficult to talk about it?

You don't have to sit down and have a serious conversation about it, you could just make a joke out of it.

Bear in mind you have only been going out for two weeks.

As pretty much everyone says, communication is key.

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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 01:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by her_beautiful_mistake View Post
God everyone on Teenhelp gives advice "ask her about it".
Who actually sits down with their girlfriend and says "do you like it when I touch your butt?". As a girl I can say thats defintley NOT a turn on.

Trial and error method! If she didn't push you away, she didn't mind it and probably liked it. If you do want to check she likes it then do it in the moment but so early on it's not something I'd recommend.

The fact that she didn't push you away and kept going should tell you she liked it.
Try it again and see how she reacts
Everybody tells people to ask her because it's the right answer. Everybody is different, everybody likes different things and the only way to know is to ask. We're not saying to ask it as bluntly as that, but if you're close enough to be groping each other like that I would hope you're close enough (and mature enough) to be able to have a conversation about it.

And just because a girl doesn't say no or push you away does not mean that they're okay with it. A lot of people would be too nervous to say no, or they're the type of person who just does what other people want. This is why talking about it is a good idea.

Anything called "Trial and error method" at two weeks in a relationship sounds like a bad idea to me. At two weeks you shouldn't be just suddenly trying new things on a girl to see if she likes it or not.
Being told to ask is the best advice you'll get.


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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 02:44 AM

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Everybody tells people to ask her because it's the right answer. Everybody is different, everybody likes different things and the only way to know is to ask. We're not saying to ask it as bluntly as that, but if you're close enough to be groping each other like that I would hope you're close enough (and mature enough) to be able to have a conversation about it.

And just because a girl doesn't say no or push you away does not mean that they're okay with it. A lot of people would be too nervous to say no, or they're the type of person who just does what other people want. This is why talking about it is a good idea.

Anything called "Trial and error method" at two weeks in a relationship sounds like a bad idea to me. At two weeks you shouldn't be just suddenly trying new things on a girl to see if she likes it or not.
Being told to ask is the best advice you'll get.
I absolutely agree. The only way to get consent from a girl is if she verbally says it's okay. Not saying no or not pushing you away is NOT consent. She could be too scared to say no, she could think that she is obligated to let you do it even if it's not what she wants. You need to ask. Like Rick said, you don't have to be so blunt about it, but you need to ask. When it comes to something as personal and intimate as this, trial and error just doesn't cut it.

Besides, if you can't talk to her about and ask if it's okay, then you are obviously not close enough to be touching her like that and you need to just stop until you are both close enough.


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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 06:36 AM

Hey there,

If you did not recieve clear consent that your girlfriend wants to be touched, I would talk to her about it and discuss how far she is comfortable going. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but if you're comfortable enough to be intimate with her, you should be able to discuss the intimacy, as well.

I will be the first to tell you that it is ALWAYS a good idea to discuss sexual relationships before acting. Lack of resistance does NOT imply consent. A girl could not resist because she too scared, nervous, etc.

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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 01:49 PM

Everybody tells people to ask her because it's the right answer. Everybody is different, everybody likes different things and the only way to know is to ask. We're not saying to ask it as bluntly as that, but if you're close enough to be groping each other like that I would hope you're close enough (and mature enough) to be able to have a conversation about it.

1) There are no rules on how close you have to be to somebody before you fool around with them. You do not have to be close to somebody to fool around with them. Don't assume that everyone has your opinion on this matter because it's simply not true, and nobody has the right to judge another person on their opinion.
2) On Teenhelp "talk to them" is always the answer . With half the people responding being 14 with no kind of real sexual experiences ("You have to be in love!!") or relationship knowledge. Take it with a pinch of salt, OP, really.
I'm sorry but this is real life. In real life trial and error is the way that it happeneds, or in the moment asking "do you like that?" (and if you'd read my post...). Don't sit down and ask your girlfriend, it sounds like this is your first sexual experience and probably hers too, it's not going to be funny and it's not going to be a turn on. WHY must Teenhelp users insist on seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses...
3) If the rest of you had bothered to read what the OP had written he is not able to talk to his girlfriend in this way. And before you all jump on talking about how this means he's not close enough to her to be fooling around with her - no thats not what it means. It means its a difficult conversation to have that even people who have been in a relationship for months would struggle with.

And just because a girl doesn't say no or push you away does not mean that they're okay with it. A lot of people would be too nervous to say no, or they're the type of person who just does what other people want. This is why talking about it is a good idea.

No, it doesn't.
But thats not the point, is it? If a girl doesn't say no, how is someone to know they don't like it. Should a guy ask at every physical stage "is it okay for me to be doing this?". Well I can tell you that after so many "is it okay?" questions I'd just get up and leave because it gets ridiculous and ruins the mood.
If a guy takes it slowly and gages a girls reaction properly then body language tells you everything. In my councelling training I've learnt that literally something like 10% of communication is actually verbal. There is no need to have that conversation.
So in no way am I saying that clearly the girl is liking it if she doesn't say no BUT body language and going very very slowly should allow you to figure out whether shes liking it or not. Does she pull into you more? Encourage you by guiding your hand? Does she make any noises? Does she in return feel you? These kind of things should give you a good indication. If you really wanted to know for sure then asking in the moment (again, if you'd read my post...) would be less awkward but there is a limit, because it does get repetitive.

Anything called "Trial and error method" at two weeks in a relationship sounds like a bad idea to me. At two weeks you shouldn't be just suddenly trying new things on a girl to see if she likes it or not.
Being told to ask is the best advice you'll get.

Again with the judging other people thing.
Plenty of people would have already slept with the other person two weeks into a relationship (ESPECIALLY at 18, as the OP is) so just lay off with your own opinion and try and be a bit more open minded.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 01:52 PM

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I absolutely agree. The only way to get consent from a girl is if she verbally says it's okay. Not saying no or not pushing you away is NOT consent. She could be too scared to say no, she could think that she is obligated to let you do it even if it's not what she wants. You need to ask. Like Rick said, you don't have to be so blunt about it, but you need to ask. When it comes to something as personal and intimate as this, trial and error just doesn't cut it.

Besides, if you can't talk to her about and ask if it's okay, then you are obviously not close enough to be touching her like that and you need to just stop until you are both close enough.
See my above post.

So, you're saying that you have to be close to somebody to be touching them?
Thats your own person opinion thats fine, but I don't think it's fair to be passing your opinions onto other people and such judging them if they don't agree.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 06:13 PM

Alright, let me make some input here. First of all I'm 18, I have had previous relationships before, but this time I actaully really like the girl. Anyway if you have had any experience with relationships, you don't really ask these questions. For one this can make things extremely awkward, and tense. The beauty in the moment I described in my origianl post was that it was a spur of the monent thing. It wasn't planned or anticipated or anything of the sort. Now just a little more information, when I did this I did notice her becoming more loose, and massaging my shoulder and back while we were kissing. Anyway assuming were not close enough, is kinda insulting, because we are and we talk about a lot of more serious things than this. It's just not something you would really ask.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 06:26 PM

I agree with asking her. You'll get the answer from her then and you'll know for sure what she does and doesn't like, you don't have to be blunt and ask her straight out if she liked it, you could just ask her what she does like when you're kissing so she'll name a few things then she could say herself whether or not she liked what you did.

But if she seemed to get more into the moment when you did it then I'd take it as a sign that she did like it.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 07:45 PM

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Originally Posted by her_beautiful_mistake View Post
See my above post.

So, you're saying that you have to be close to somebody to be touching them?
Thats your own person opinion thats fine, but I don't think it's fair to be passing your opinions onto other people and such judging them if they don't agree.
So you wouldn't mind if in the grocery store a guy you'd never met started groping you? Assuming that you would be bothered by that, then obviously there is some level of closeness needed to be intimate even for you. While for you that may not need to be a very high level, for some people it would. Just as you don't want us to judge and force our opinions, quit trying to force yours. I know for a fact that there are girls who have been hurt, and hurt very badly, because they were never given a proper chance to consent to what was happening to them. Someone close to them decided to use "Trial and Error." The problem here is that error could just be an awkward moment, or it could be sexual abuse, abuse that changes the victims life forever.

I would think if a person cared about someone, or for that matter had any empathy for fellow human beings, they would want to make sure that what they were doing wasn't hurtful. I think a simple conversation on what was okay between two people would be quite a reasonable thing to do. It's not just a matter of how close YOU need to be to be comfortable, it's a matter of how close YOUR PARTNER needs to be. You may be ready for one thing, but if you just assume everyone else shares your readiness, someone is going to end up hurt. I would be willing to talk to a girl and risk making things awkward if it meant protecting them. If they were so impatient that they couldn't understand I was doing it with their interests in mind, I honestly wouldn't want to be with them in any capacity. But maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe nowadays it's okay to take the chance of ripping someones soul slowly apart with every touch. Because God forbid you make things awkward by having an adult conversation and getting verbal consent.


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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 07:52 PM

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Alright, let me make some input here. First of all I'm 18, I have had previous relationships before, but this time I actaully really like the girl. Anyway if you have had any experience with relationships, you don't really ask these questions. For one this can make things extremely awkward, and tense. The beauty in the moment I described in my origianl post was that it was a spur of the monent thing. It wasn't planned or anticipated or anything of the sort. Now just a little more information, when I did this I did notice her becoming more loose, and massaging my shoulder and back while we were kissing. Anyway assuming were not close enough, is kinda insulting, because we are and we talk about a lot of more serious things than this. It's just not something you would really ask.
I never meant to imply you're not close enough. In fact, you seem pretty sure you are, and you seem to really like this girl. So why not just ask her? If you don't want to ruin the moment, just ask her some other time what she is okay with. You said you've talked about much more serious things with her, so this should be a breeze to talk about. And isn't a bit of awkwardness better than the possibility that you will ruin this girl's life? I'm not trying to be all fear-mongering and pushy here, but the simple fact is that there have been guys in your situation who have hurt girls a lot. Changed their lives, made it hard for them to even sleep without nightmares, given them an uncontrollable fear of men. So, if you care about this girl, why risk doing that to her? Why not take the chance of making things awkward for a little bit and just make sure she is okay, make sure you have her consent?


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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 08:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by her_beautiful_mistake View Post
Everybody tells people to ask her because it's the right answer. Everybody is different, everybody likes different things and the only way to know is to ask. We're not saying to ask it as bluntly as that, but if you're close enough to be groping each other like that I would hope you're close enough (and mature enough) to be able to have a conversation about it.

1) There are no rules on how close you have to be to somebody before you fool around with them. You do not have to be close to somebody to fool around with them. Don't assume that everyone has your opinion on this matter because it's simply not true, and nobody has the right to judge another person on their opinion.
2) On Teenhelp "talk to them" is always the answer . With half the people responding being 14 with no kind of real sexual experiences ("You have to be in love!!") or relationship knowledge. Take it with a pinch of salt, OP, really.
I'm sorry but this is real life. In real life trial and error is the way that it happeneds, or in the moment asking "do you like that?" (and if you'd read my post...). Don't sit down and ask your girlfriend, it sounds like this is your first sexual experience and probably hers too, it's not going to be funny and it's not going to be a turn on. WHY must Teenhelp users insist on seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses...
3) If the rest of you had bothered to read what the OP had written he is not able to talk to his girlfriend in this way. And before you all jump on talking about how this means he's not close enough to her to be fooling around with her - no thats not what it means. It means its a difficult conversation to have that even people who have been in a relationship for months would struggle with.

And just because a girl doesn't say no or push you away does not mean that they're okay with it. A lot of people would be too nervous to say no, or they're the type of person who just does what other people want. This is why talking about it is a good idea.

No, it doesn't.
But thats not the point, is it? If a girl doesn't say no, how is someone to know they don't like it. Should a guy ask at every physical stage "is it okay for me to be doing this?". Well I can tell you that after so many "is it okay?" questions I'd just get up and leave because it gets ridiculous and ruins the mood.
If a guy takes it slowly and gages a girls reaction properly then body language tells you everything. In my councelling training I've learnt that literally something like 10% of communication is actually verbal. There is no need to have that conversation.
So in no way am I saying that clearly the girl is liking it if she doesn't say no BUT body language and going very very slowly should allow you to figure out whether shes liking it or not. Does she pull into you more? Encourage you by guiding your hand? Does she make any noises? Does she in return feel you? These kind of things should give you a good indication. If you really wanted to know for sure then asking in the moment (again, if you'd read my post...) would be less awkward but there is a limit, because it does get repetitive.

Anything called "Trial and error method" at two weeks in a relationship sounds like a bad idea to me. At two weeks you shouldn't be just suddenly trying new things on a girl to see if she likes it or not.
Being told to ask is the best advice you'll get.

Again with the judging other people thing.
Plenty of people would have already slept with the other person two weeks into a relationship (ESPECIALLY at 18, as the OP is) so just lay off with your own opinion and try and be a bit more open minded.
If you feel it's so important to respect other people's opinions on this site then why don't you? This is a thread where the OP is asking for advice from others, and other people are welcome to come here and post their opinions in relation to what the OP was asking. Your last two posts however had nothing to do with answering the OPs question, as you only repeated what you said in your original post in a way that shoots down other people's opinions.
That's very hypocritical and rude, and as you said "Don't assume that everyone has your opinion on this matter because it's simply not true, and nobody has the right to judge another person on their opinion." this applies to you too.

When we say ask her, we're not saying that every single time you're about to do something you need to stop and ask. We're saying that if you're wondering if she was comfortable with what you were doing the other night then ask her if you crossed the line because (I hope) you respect her rights as a human being and respect her enough as a woman to care about what she wants. Yes, a lot of things happen in the moment, that's understandable and fine that you wouldn't be stopping and asking if she was alright with things at that moment in time, I wouldn't either, but it doesn't mean you can't ask the next day.

And yes, there are no rules as to how early or how close people need to be before they do anything physical, but it doesn't hurt to hope that most people in this world would be close enough in a relationship to talk about anything pertaining to sex or making out if they're already doing it.

Yes, a good portion of the people who respond to these threads are around the ages of 14. This doesn't mean their advice is any less true or good. If you look up to your address bar on your browser the name of the site is TeenHelp.

I've never ever ever been with a girl who didn't appreciate having a conversation about what they do or don't like. It shows you're a mature person who has respect for other people. I don't know about you but most girls prefer that to guys who have no respect and haven't developed any level of maturity yet.

You're right "If a girl doesn't say no, how is someone to know they don't like it."? You ask. If you take a moment, go to the Rape and Abuse forum and read through some of the rape threads, you'll find a surprisingly high amount of girls who've had bad experiences or even been raped because they just could not say no. It's better to take steps and avoid being the guy to do that, or you can just go ahead and risk ruining somebody's life. It is your choice.


From now on stay on topic don't make another post simply replying to and bashing another users opinion and advice simply because you don't agree with it.


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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 19th 2009, 09:10 PM

Just to add again. It took me 3 months to be comfortable enough to explore the netheregions with my girlfriend, and that was the best decision I made. It went so swiftly.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 20th 2009, 05:40 PM

just ask her if it's ok to touch her thats the most polite way of doing things.when i first got with my boyfriend,he was too scared to touch me because he didn't know if i would mind, but i wouldn't have minded him asking me first.
to be honest it is nice when a guy touches my ass without warning whilst making out,my boyfriend does it all the time but you've only been going out with her a while,it's understandable and ok to be nervous about it all if she didn't stop you from touching her ass then my guesss is she probly liked it but ask her if she did like it,just to make sure.
   
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Re: Touching my girlfriend - December 21st 2009, 06:24 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoonToBe View Post
Alright so me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 2 weeks, a couple days ago while we were making out. My hands drifted into her pants, and I grabbed her bare buttcheeks. I was most likely touching her bare butt for a couple minutes. I also felt her underwear, she didnt say anything at all, and it continued till we stopped kissing. Now I want female advice is this something that I shouldnt do...or do you girls like it?
I think one of the natural things to do when making out is grab her butt. Some advice:

1) Don't try too many things at once.
If you want to try something new without asking her right then, because I can imagine how that might be kinda awkward, take it very slowly.

2) Eventually, ask her.
Ask her in the moment; just say "Can I...?" or "Is that ok...?" If you whisper it in her ear or something, it might even help the mood a little bit (;
- OR -
Ask her over IM or texting. If that's even a little awkward for you, then make a joke of it; say "Sooo... how'd you like that the other night?" and make a winky face or something. Do what feels natural.

I hope my advice helped (:
   
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